So, we went for my post op appointment. Felt like things were going ok. I was still really really tired, but my incisions were healing and I was doing more around the house.
Brad came home from work, picked me up, off we went... We went back to the little room. Dr Daniels came and smiled about my hair... which side note... great hair (in my own opinion)... Purple and blonde highlights and one pink one in front for breast-cancer....
I do love my hair..... So, Dr Daniels sat down and said very bluntly "we need to talk". I thought maybe it was because she took a mole off of me during surgery and it (the mole) was skin cancer. (Actually, looking at the pathology report, the mole was fine!).... No.... I had more cancerous tumors than the mammogram and ultrasound showed. Dr Daniels explained that the lump she removed had the two tumors we knew about in it. The lump also had two MORE tumors in it. So, there were a total of FOUR tumors in that one lump. And she had good clean margins. My question was, what if those tumors had not been near the original cancerous tumors? We would not have known. She also updated me that while initially the lymph nodes looked clear of cancer, after surgery, they cut them up even smaller and examined them even closer and the lymph nodes DO have cancer. At least only the lymph nodes that were related to the breast. PRAISE GOD that she took FOUR lymph nodes because there was one in the way (that was not related to the breast). The one that was not breast related was in the way of the THREE that WERE breast related. So, the breast related ones had cancer. The one that was NOT breast related did NOT have cancer. So, to me, that is a good sign! It has not spread to the other ones yet, or at least as far as we know. She also told us that the lymph vascular system showed cancer in it. The lymph vascular portions that were in the lump. So basically, my left breast is full of cancer.
She said because of all of this, they HAD to do a mastectomy and remove all of my lymph nodes. However, we have a choice. JUST a mastectomy or bilateral mastectomy. We talked about it, Brad, Dr Daniels and myself.... we came to the decision - bilateral mastectomy. Why am I going to wait for the other shoe to drop and every time I have a mammogram, will I wonder if there were tumors that the imaging didn't pick up? She told me I could have an MRI of the right breast, (since my mammogram did not show any tumors) but if they find something, then I will have to have a biopsy under MRI which is not done in Springfield. Then we are talking doing the mastectomy and removal of lymph nodes and then possibly going back and removing the other breast. She also said that if I decide to have reconstructive surgery later, they can match my breasts much easier if they are both removed. Plus, she did point out, that if I decide to not have reconstructive surgery, I can wear a shirt without a bra because there is nothing there.
She also explained to me that during the breast cancer round table this week (apparently I was a hot topic) that I now have to do radiation as well. She also said that my oncologist and the radiation oncologist have not decided which way I should go (it will depend on the next surgery). Will I have radiation first or chemo first? It will be hard to say which way they will go. I do have an appointment with my oncologist on April 6. I should know something then.
The thing is... if I had done the bilateral mastectomy first, but the lymph nodes came back negative the first time, I would still be going back for surgery to remove the lymph nodes. If I had done the lumpectomy first and the lymph nodes came back positive and had those removed, I would STILL be going back for surgery because they would have to remove the breast.
I spent much of yesterday crying and sobbing and crying. I didn't cry that much when I was diagnosed. But now... I'm crying. I don't want to lose my breasts. I know they are not what makes me a woman, but I do like them. I'm very sad. It changes my body. (it also makes me think of nursing school when we had to create nursing diagnosis's for patients and there was "Altered body image due to bilateral mastectomy"). I am awake a lot at night now because I can't sleep due to all of this.... but... I will get there. I know I will. God is good and will pull me thru.... :)
So, surgery is next week. Dr Daniels is actually on vacation, but is coming in from her vacation to operate on me. She said, it's fine, she wants to be there for me. I feel bad, but.... very glad she is going to be there for me.
So, this time next week, I will be updating on how my surgery went. 2 surgeries in two weeks. It's ok. God is there for me and will still be there for me. He is there for my family and loves us. It's gonna be good.
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