week one without any chemo

Well, I finally had a week where I had no chemo... At least like I had before... Of course, I started the oral chemo... 

How was it? Well... I thought because I was done with chemo and my mind felt better and I didn't feel so sick anymore, I could do stuff! 

Day one, Monday... I picked up the house a tad, did laundry and dishes... I exercised. Day one, done. 

Day two, Tuesday... I cleaned up a corner in the living room, laundry and it seems as though something else... exercised. Day two, done. 

Day three, Wednesday... I could barely get out of bed. It was all I could do to wake up and stay awake. I was like a zombie all day. Then went to yoga with Rebekah. Oh my gosh! I could hardly move my arms above my head. It was awful! I came home, sat... went to bed... 

Day four, Thursday... Really wasn't sure I was going to get out of bed! The grandsons, therefore, came and got in my bed with me... then Cody got in my bed with me. Well, that got me out of bed. I was up. Plus, I was supposed to have lunch with someone. I had to get up and get moving. I had to shower. Oh. My. Gosh. I had to move. I had to shower. I had to move. I got my shower. I had to get dressed. Then my friend texted me. She was ill. Believe me, not happy that my friend was ill, however... it got me to slow down a bit! I was like.. ok... I'll eat here and let the furniture absorb me again like it did yesterday. I went to my bible study group that night. Came home... made myself drink tea and eat some toast (a bedtime habit)... and went to bed. 

Day five, Friday, Today... again... I waited for the bed to push me out. Didn't happen. The bed was going to allow me to stay. I couldn't stay. I had homework that I still needed to complete. My daughter was supposed to pick me up around 2, plus I wanted to weigh myself. 

After prying myself out of bed. I weighed myself... 8 pounds down. Let's hope that sticks and keeps going down. I'm thinking some of this is water weight, some from the steroids. Well, let's get it off!!!! 

Then I ate a bowl of cereal and allowed the chair to re-accept me as it's own. I stayed in my favorite position and worked on some things for school. My best friend, chair and 2nd best friend, remote worked with my other dear friend, lap top and I as we watched CSI and American Dad and did school work. Finally around 1, I decided I best shower since Rebekah would be by around 2. We had plans to go to the Holistic Gift Shop on Main St. 

We went to the gift shop. Loved it! Found out they are having an "open house" tomorrow from 11 - 1. So, we're going to go back. They are having snacks... how can I say no? Snacks will be involved!! Haha!

Sadly, when we returned home, about an hour or so later... I was pooped... My mind sees things that need done and my body just is not cooperating. That makes me sad. Then I just get sad in general. 

So, I pulled some more lavender off the stems for crafting things I want to do and came in... Then good news! IT'S A HARRY POTTER WEEKEND! That made me happy. ABC Freeform will show all the HP movies starting tonight and ending Sunday night... HOORAY! 

So, how am I emotionally? I don't know. Sometimes I'm ok. and just that. ok. Not great, not wonderful. Just ok. I feel like I just don't feel much... My humor is not here like it used to be. My happiness certainly is not here like it used to be. My excitement is eh... However, sadness and uncertainty and loneliness... that comes too easy. I remember that those are tools of the enemy, but it's hard to avoid them at times. 

I miss talking to people, yet most days, I really don't want to talk to anyone. I miss having a purpose. But I am reminded that I do have one. However, I just don't feel it right now. 

I would love to clean the house. But I have no energy to do it. I tried this week and I have paid for it. UGH! 

I think about my hair... it's coming back... but it's so slow in returning. I used to have thick blondish/ brown or brownish/ blonde hair. It's primarily grey/ white now. Brad says he loves it. He wants me to go out without the wigs or without a head covering. I'm not ready yet. He also laughs when I say something about drawing my eyebrows on. He says your fine. I look in the mirror and see nothing. I can't define my eyebrows because what there is of them is white/ grey. My eyelashes are much thinner. So, I try to remember when I go out to draw more eyebrows on and put on mascara so I look like there is something around the blue irises and white sclera. But I miss my hair. 

There is a part of me that has adapted to not having any breasts. I really think I have come to terms with the reconstructive surgery. I have decided not to do it. I really think about having surgery and just the thought of it makes me nauseous. I do NOT want to go thru another 2 or more surgeries just to have breasts. I have pretty great prosthesis breasts. I can wear them if I want or take them off. But I still get sad that I don't have my own. I get sad that they tried to kill me. I make comments periodically. Like when I see a bra commercial. I say things like "Do they have any for me? I doubt it! My breasts are in some medical waste landfill somewhere!" 

There are a lot of other thoughts going thru my brain. A lot more emotions. However, that will all have to wait for another day... I'm going to end this post and do some more homework... also watch some more Harry Potter!!!! 

Love and Peace to all! 

my final chemo

Well, I had my final chemo! I was so glad... My last chemo was 10 days ago, on November 4, 2016. I was anxious because I was worried that my white blood cell count would not be high enough. But it was 3.3. 

Some people have said they cried when they got their last one. I didn't cry. I was just relieved. But I was also scared. Scared of what is ahead of me. It's been since the end of April that I have been doing chemotherapy. I sort of felt like it was a security blanket I had towards the cancer. Plus, I did have something to look forward to every week. Someplace to go. Now... 

Anyway, My final chemo. Brad and Rebekah came with me and sat with me the whole time. Then towards the end of my chemo, Rebeka's in-laws (and my friends) Mitch and Dulce Hurst came by. Cody also came at the end. They all sat with me while I was disconnected and said goodbye to my nurses. Then we all walked towards the front. While I checked out, 

The staff called a code. A "Code Sunshine". This is something they always do when someone has their last treatement. All the available staff comes to the lobby. 

I walked over to the bell and read the poem. Then rang that bell loudly three times! It was awesome... I was so glad to share that moment with my family. 

When we were done Andrew, my son-in-law came. Then we went to Guerra's Krazy Tacos for a post chemo meal! Delicious! I had the lobster taco and the Wild Lucy! They were so good. 

So... this past Friday came and went. I did not go to chemo. It was quite strange. It was nice not to have to go, but I admit I missed the nurses. I also missed someone coming to get me and talking with me for 2 1/2 hours. 

What now? Well, this past Friday I started oral chemo. I start Tamoxifen. It is an ANTI hormonal medication. Since my cancer is driven by hormones (estrogen and progesterone) I have to take medication that will block those hormones and stop them. I will be on this oral chemo for 10 years. I will take the tamoxifen for a few years and then switch to arimidex. I have to wait until I officially go thru the change of life to start the arimidex. Yes, I had a hysterectomy several years ago, but I kept my ovaries. So, I will still go thru the change. Although I have experienced a lot of symptoms already. 

I am feeling ok on the tamoxifen. It hasn't been a week yet, but so far, so good. Now more work begins. 

I have gotten so out of shape while trying to fight cancer. I started going to yoga a few weeks ago. The class only meets once a week, but I am going. It is really good to go to and stretch my muscles out. I am trying this week to get my body into better shape. Well, just getting it used to doing more work. 

Chemo made me so tired and weak, I couldn't do much. So I didn't. My arms and legs are so deconditioned. I wouldn't be surprised if my muscles atrophied. I used to be a runner! 
So, I am trying to do like 4 stairs repeatedly (the original stair climber) and lift very small weights. I also walked to the end of my street today and back. It's more hard work than you would imagine. But, my body deserves better than what it has. So, I'm gonna work hard to get back into shape. 

I'm still off work. I am not released to return to work until December. It will be interesting to see what my body and hair are like when it is time to return. Presently I am thinking I will still be wearing a wig. Brad says my hair looks good, but it is about 1/4 of an inch long. He says it's cute. I'm not comfortable showing my fuzzy head without a hat or a wig presently. 

I will update again this week... more about my emotions and feelings. This entry is more about facts. 

Hope all is well. If not, turn to the One who can calm you. I love the Lord. He loves you! 

Peace and Love to you all!