Well, I finally had a week where I had no chemo... At least like I had before... Of course, I started the oral chemo...
How was it? Well... I thought because I was done with chemo and my mind felt better and I didn't feel so sick anymore, I could do stuff!
Day one, Monday... I picked up the house a tad, did laundry and dishes... I exercised. Day one, done.
Day two, Tuesday... I cleaned up a corner in the living room, laundry and it seems as though something else... exercised. Day two, done.
Day three, Wednesday... I could barely get out of bed. It was all I could do to wake up and stay awake. I was like a zombie all day. Then went to yoga with Rebekah. Oh my gosh! I could hardly move my arms above my head. It was awful! I came home, sat... went to bed...
Day four, Thursday... Really wasn't sure I was going to get out of bed! The grandsons, therefore, came and got in my bed with me... then Cody got in my bed with me. Well, that got me out of bed. I was up. Plus, I was supposed to have lunch with someone. I had to get up and get moving. I had to shower. Oh. My. Gosh. I had to move. I had to shower. I had to move. I got my shower. I had to get dressed. Then my friend texted me. She was ill. Believe me, not happy that my friend was ill, however... it got me to slow down a bit! I was like.. ok... I'll eat here and let the furniture absorb me again like it did yesterday. I went to my bible study group that night. Came home... made myself drink tea and eat some toast (a bedtime habit)... and went to bed.
Day five, Friday, Today... again... I waited for the bed to push me out. Didn't happen. The bed was going to allow me to stay. I couldn't stay. I had homework that I still needed to complete. My daughter was supposed to pick me up around 2, plus I wanted to weigh myself.
After prying myself out of bed. I weighed myself... 8 pounds down. Let's hope that sticks and keeps going down. I'm thinking some of this is water weight, some from the steroids. Well, let's get it off!!!!
Then I ate a bowl of cereal and allowed the chair to re-accept me as it's own. I stayed in my favorite position and worked on some things for school. My best friend, chair and 2nd best friend, remote worked with my other dear friend, lap top and I as we watched CSI and American Dad and did school work. Finally around 1, I decided I best shower since Rebekah would be by around 2. We had plans to go to the Holistic Gift Shop on Main St.
We went to the gift shop. Loved it! Found out they are having an "open house" tomorrow from 11 - 1. So, we're going to go back. They are having snacks... how can I say no? Snacks will be involved!! Haha!
Sadly, when we returned home, about an hour or so later... I was pooped... My mind sees things that need done and my body just is not cooperating. That makes me sad. Then I just get sad in general.
So, I pulled some more lavender off the stems for crafting things I want to do and came in... Then good news! IT'S A HARRY POTTER WEEKEND! That made me happy. ABC Freeform will show all the HP movies starting tonight and ending Sunday night... HOORAY!
So, how am I emotionally? I don't know. Sometimes I'm ok. and just that. ok. Not great, not wonderful. Just ok. I feel like I just don't feel much... My humor is not here like it used to be. My happiness certainly is not here like it used to be. My excitement is eh... However, sadness and uncertainty and loneliness... that comes too easy. I remember that those are tools of the enemy, but it's hard to avoid them at times.
I miss talking to people, yet most days, I really don't want to talk to anyone. I miss having a purpose. But I am reminded that I do have one. However, I just don't feel it right now.
I would love to clean the house. But I have no energy to do it. I tried this week and I have paid for it. UGH!
I think about my hair... it's coming back... but it's so slow in returning. I used to have thick blondish/ brown or brownish/ blonde hair. It's primarily grey/ white now. Brad says he loves it. He wants me to go out without the wigs or without a head covering. I'm not ready yet. He also laughs when I say something about drawing my eyebrows on. He says your fine. I look in the mirror and see nothing. I can't define my eyebrows because what there is of them is white/ grey. My eyelashes are much thinner. So, I try to remember when I go out to draw more eyebrows on and put on mascara so I look like there is something around the blue irises and white sclera. But I miss my hair.
There is a part of me that has adapted to not having any breasts. I really think I have come to terms with the reconstructive surgery. I have decided not to do it. I really think about having surgery and just the thought of it makes me nauseous. I do NOT want to go thru another 2 or more surgeries just to have breasts. I have pretty great prosthesis breasts. I can wear them if I want or take them off. But I still get sad that I don't have my own. I get sad that they tried to kill me. I make comments periodically. Like when I see a bra commercial. I say things like "Do they have any for me? I doubt it! My breasts are in some medical waste landfill somewhere!"
There are a lot of other thoughts going thru my brain. A lot more emotions. However, that will all have to wait for another day... I'm going to end this post and do some more homework... also watch some more Harry Potter!!!!
Love and Peace to all!
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