So, I went to my surgeon for my 6 month follow up. She said I look good and feel good. No new lumps or bumps. She then asked how I am doing. I said, "eh". That's when the tears started. Brad was with me, of course, and we told her I have been having panic attacks. She said I'm not alone. That MANY women get them after their treatment is all over.
I was surprised to hear this (again). My breast cancer support group told me about them. Now my surgeon is telling me about them. So, maybe I'm not as crazy as I thought.
My breast cancer support group said that what happens to women post cancer treatment is now being considered PTSD! WHAT?!?! So, what happens to me?
Well. I can be sitting at work, in church, at home, the store, the subway in NYC... and all of a sudden I can't breathe. My nose is pinched off and the top of my mouth and the back of my throat are so tight. I have to talk to myself and tell myself that regardless of what I feel, I truly am breathing. That I'm ok and everything around me is ok. To just breathe and keep going. I also have a LOT of trouble sleeping. I sometimes can't go to sleep. Other times, I may sleep for a couple hours then I am up. I'll be up for a half an hour, then sleep for an hour, then up for 45 minutes, then sleep for an hour. It's horrible.
I have been to my family doctor and she put me on some antianxiety meds. However, it takes a couple weeks for that to kick in. So... I am waiting on the meds to help. In the mean time, AAAAAHHHHH. Can't breathe!
I can't tell you what triggers it. It can be nothing. It could be a crowd of people. It could be I see that today is an anniversary of something. It may be my daughter talking about moving to NYC. My grandkids doing crazy things that little boys do... I may see my dog and think, is she going to die soon? Then I have crazy crazy dreams. I dream I really didn't graduate from college. That I missed some classes and have to go back and earn my degree. (To counter act this, I go to the dining room and hold my degree in my hands and verify I really did graduate). I dream about my mom waiting for me. (So does that mean I am going to die and she's waiting for me to come to heaven?) it's awful!
I have dealt with depression for over 20 years. So, as sad as it seems, we are old friends and I know how to work with it. Anxiety has been around too, but not like this. Our relationship is just getting started! I don't like it. But apparently, for now, it has become a part of my life.
If it were as simple and "not worrying" about something. I would do that. If it were as simple as just "being happy". I would do that too... but depression and anxiety are not about those things! I think I am a happy person. I have a smile on 90% of the time and am friendly and easy to get along with. I love my family. I love that I am on the other side of cancer. I have friends (I think ;)) I have people who love me. I am well fed (too well fed). I have shelter and clothes and more than everything I need. My flower bed is going to look great this year! But I have this constant companion of depression. How do I describe it? It's there and just slides along with me. It makes it hard to get excited about things. It makes it hard to enjoy things. There is a sadness (for lack of a better word) that exists in everything I do and every breath I breathe. It's not "you'll get over it". It's not "snap out of it". It's just there. Then enter anxiety. Oh my goodness! Like I said, dreams cause me to second guess life. Did I really graduate? There are a lot of people here. Oh no, I don't know if I can do that! There are days when taking a shower still takes every bit of energy out of me. What can I do? I have to push through! But... it's so hard. I still have to go places. I still have to sleep at some point. I'm still learning my new job and I want to make sure I am doing well, but chemo brain makes it hard some days! But these thoughts just come upon me. Sometimes, I'll have a panic attack and not even know why! I just all of a sudden can't breathe!
So what is the point of this blog entry? Well.... a couple things... One - to tell you how I am doing. Two - if you are a cancer survivor to let you know that you are not alone! That this crap happens after treatment and just as I will make it thru, so will you! Three - if you happen to suffer from depression and anxiety like I do (regardless of cancer) then you need to know you are not alone! It's real, don't let people try to fool you! and finally Four - if you don't fit any of the previous categories, maybe you need to look at depression and anxiety in a new light. Don't be so quick to judge others and instead be slow to speak. Be quick to hold them, love them and just be with them. They just need your love and support!
Love and peace!
<3
