Post Op appt 3/23/16 - more cancer

     So, we went for my post op appointment. Felt like things were going ok. I was still really really tired, but my incisions were healing and I was doing more around the house. 

     Brad came home from work, picked me up, off we went... We went back to the little room. Dr Daniels came and smiled about my hair... which side note... great hair (in my own opinion)... Purple and blonde highlights and one pink one in front for breast-cancer....  

   I do love my hair..... 

     So, Dr Daniels sat down and said very bluntly "we need to talk". I thought maybe it was because she took a mole off of me during surgery and it (the mole) was skin cancer. (Actually, looking at the pathology report, the mole was fine!).... No.... I had more cancerous tumors than the mammogram and ultrasound showed. Dr Daniels explained that the lump she removed had the two tumors we knew about in it. The lump also had two MORE tumors in it. So, there were a total of FOUR tumors in that one lump. And she had good clean margins. My question was, what if those tumors had not been near the original cancerous tumors? We would not have known. She also updated me that while initially the lymph nodes looked clear of cancer, after surgery, they cut them up even smaller and examined them even closer and the lymph nodes DO have cancer. At least only the lymph nodes that were related to the breast. PRAISE GOD that she took FOUR lymph nodes because there was one in the way (that was not related to the breast). The one that was not breast related was in the way of the THREE that WERE breast related. So, the breast related ones had cancer. The one that was NOT breast related did NOT have cancer. So, to me, that is a good sign! It has not spread to the other ones yet, or at least as far as we know. She also told us that the lymph vascular system showed cancer in it. The lymph vascular portions that were in the lump. So basically, my left breast is full of cancer. 

     She said because of all of this, they HAD to do a mastectomy and remove all of my lymph nodes. However, we have a choice. JUST a mastectomy or bilateral mastectomy. We talked about it, Brad, Dr Daniels and myself.... we came to the decision - bilateral mastectomy. Why am I going to wait for the other shoe to drop and every time I have a mammogram, will I wonder if there were tumors that the imaging didn't pick up? She told me I could have an MRI of the right breast, (since my mammogram did not show any tumors) but if they find something, then I will have to have a biopsy under MRI which is not done in Springfield. Then we are talking doing the mastectomy and removal of lymph nodes and then possibly going back and removing the other breast. She also said that if I decide to have reconstructive surgery later, they can match my breasts much easier if they are both removed. Plus, she did point out, that if I decide to not have reconstructive surgery, I can wear a shirt without a bra because there is nothing there. 
     
     She also explained to me that during the breast cancer round table this week (apparently I was a hot topic) that I now have to do radiation as well. She also said that my oncologist and the radiation oncologist have not decided which way I should go (it will depend on the next surgery). Will I have radiation first or chemo first? It will be hard to say which way they will go. I do have an appointment with my oncologist on April 6. I should know something then. 

     The thing is... if I had done the bilateral mastectomy first, but the lymph nodes came back negative the first time, I would still be going back for surgery to remove the lymph nodes. If I had done the lumpectomy first and the lymph nodes came back positive and had those removed, I would STILL be going back for surgery because they would have to remove the breast. 

     I spent much of yesterday crying and sobbing and crying. I didn't cry that much when I was diagnosed. But now... I'm crying. I don't want to lose my breasts. I know they are not what makes me a woman, but I do like them. I'm very sad. It changes my body. (it also makes me think of nursing school when we had to create nursing diagnosis's for patients and there was "Altered body image due to bilateral mastectomy"). I am awake a lot at night now because I can't sleep due to all of this.... but... I will get there. I know I will. God is good and will pull me thru.... :) 

     So, surgery is next week. Dr Daniels is actually on vacation, but is coming in from her vacation to operate on me. She said, it's fine, she wants to be there for me. I feel bad, but.... very glad she is going to be there for me. 

     So, this time next week, I will be updating on how my surgery went. 2 surgeries in two weeks. It's ok. God is there for me and will still be there for me. He is there for my family and loves us. It's gonna be good. 

     

The week after surgery ....

     So, I had my surgery, came home.... rested... Brad took the day of surgery off, and the next two days.... It was so nice having him home.... why can't we be independently wealthy and both of us be home all the time? Brad took such good care of me. 

     I cannot stress the importance of ice paks. Seriously. Ice paks were WONDERFUL on my surgery sites. They felt so good and reduced a lot of the swelling. Seriously, if you have breast surgery, remember ice paks. My breast was sore (and still is) but the most sore was/ is my port site. My thoughts are this is because something foreign is in my body and it has been placed somewhere that there is very little subcutaneous tissue and body fat. It's just tender. Remember, I am a registered nurse, but presently the registered nursing is out the window... I am in patient mode.  I took pain pills, but tried not to take them too much. I would take them in the afternoon and at bed time. Mostly so that I could rest. But (registered nurse talking here) if you need the pain meds, TAKE them! There is nothing wrong with needing them if your pain is increased. Sometimes you need to take them on a scheduled basis. THAT IS OK! EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT! EVERY SURGERY IS DIFFERENT!  But again, ICE PAKS! 

     Not everyone knows what a port is. It is an IV access that the tip of the IV empties into your superior vena cava. It is under the skin and surgically implanted.    This is a photo of MY port (well not mine, but the kind mine is). These are GREAT because it keeps you from having an IV started each time they do chemo and helps protect your veins. Mine is also good for CT scans (that need contrast). It is placed like this: 
 It is really a cool thing and a blessing. It is under the skin and is accessed with a "huber" needle.  This (again, saves you from IV attempts) makes it so easy for the nurses to access your veins. They know exactly where to poke (because of the port) and each time they "hit the vein". They do not miss. So, one poke each time and done. :) What a blessing! One week out my port site looks bruised and is still sore. 

But that's ok.... think of how this will save me getting stuck and some nurses "searching" for veins. 


    So, a lot of resting, watching daytime TV (totally overrated) and napping. I got bored.... Rebekah's wedding is coming and I keep thinking, there are crafts I need to do (decorations, hanker-chiefs that need embroidered). I need things to keep my brain active. During the quiet times is when it gets hard and rough. My mind starts to wander. I think did they really get all the cancer? Is this really happening? I have to do chemo.... really? I'm going to have to stay out of the sun all summer. That makes me sad. Am I going to get sick? Will I lose weight? Will I gain weight? I already struggle with my weight and am overweight... what is going to happen. I have struggled with my diabetes, what is going to happen with that? My grandsons live with me about 75% of the time, they almost constantly have coughs and runny noses... so, am I going to have to wear a mask in my own home? This makes me mad at his parents because his mother smokes and they don't go to the doctor like they should and they seem to be ALWAYS sick... I can't be around sickness like this.... So..... I need things to keep my brain going.... the group at work got me puzzle books.... I start working those.... I do video games on my phone and video yahtzee (the group from work got me that!). 

     Brad took me out on Saturday. We got me some things to do for the wedding. I think I'm gonna need more. I completed one decoration in about half an hour. 

     Sunday came.... what a blessing. Palm Sunday. The beginning of Holy Week. At church, between services we had prayer circles for those battling breast cancer. There seems to have been a recent epidemic of breast cancer in our church. Cancer does not know age. It does not know color. It does not care what is going on in your life. It does not know finances. It does not care. It is not particular. It is just ready to attack at any time. 

     On this week, the Holy Week, I remember my Lord and how He completed so many things knowing how the week would end. In the end, He allowed Himself to be nailed to a cross and suffer death by asphyxiation because of me. Because of you. He knew I would be imperfect and sinful. But He loves me anyway. He died so that I could live. Yes, this world has horrible things in it. Murder, terrorists, rape, disease... We live in a fallen world because of sin. But Jesus paid for that sin and regardless of the shape of my chest right now. Regardless of the disease in my body. Regardless of what a terrible person I am at times. Someday I will go see Jesus and my body will be perfect. Not overweight. Not lumpy with a weird chest. Not disease ridden. It will be perfect. I will have no pain. No worry. No anxiety. No depression. No stress. Only perfect peace and love. 

     Someday.... all this will end...... God bless us all... and if you are suffering from cancer or any other illness.... someday you too can be healed by the master physician. 

SURGERY!

     So, the day had come..... Breast Cancer Surgery date.... March 14, 2016. I was so relieved. 

     We had to be at the imaging center next to the hospital at 8:45 so that I could get an injection of radiation in my breast. The injection was necessary so that my surgeon could tell which lymph nodes were related to the breast. She would use a gieger monitor to listen to the nodes to determine which were which. She would also inject blue dye in my breast during surgery to also illuminate the lymph nodes so that she would know which nodes were attached to the breast. This was so that she could remove those nodes only (at first) and have them immediately taken to pathology so that they could tell if my lymph nodes had cancer. If they test positive for cancer, all the lymph nodes come out. If they test negative, then only the ones attached to the breast are removed (as they already were). 

    My cousin, Dan, met us at the imaging center. We talked while I waited. I was called back and vitals were taken. I was also given a heart shaped pillow with a breast cancer ribbon on it to use post op. It was suggested to use this under my seat belt and under my arm pit as there would be an incision there as well. I received my injection, more vital signs and then we walked next door to the surgery hospital. 
    
     At the hospital, my cousin, Barbara, was there and my friend, Lori. I hugged them all and was taken back to get ready. Of course, I had to wait a couple hours for surgery because it takes awhile for the radiation to get from my breast to the lymph nodes. I changed my clothes and had my IV started. Praise GOD! My nurse was Tammy. A nurse from my church. God is good! Tammy also told me that another woman from church, Wendy, had come by the hospital to see me prior to surgery but I was next door getting my injection. How sweet!  After some time, my husband came back with Joel, one of the ministers from my church. We talked and then Joel prayed for us. How peaceful. 

    Then it was a lot of company.... my cousin Barbara came back with my best friend Tammy. My daughter, Rebekah came back. My Uncle Harold and Aunt Patty. My dear friend Pattie. My cousin Dan. (I think that was it). Barbara prayed with me. My Uncle Harold prayed with me. My cousin Dan prayed with me.... WOW! so much prayer! It was great! Then Brad, Tammy and Rebekah were there.... and it was time to take me away.... 

     I was taken to the OR. The nurse that transported me was great. She is a five year breast cancer survivor. She spoke with me on my trip to surgery and asked if I had a faith practice. I told her I was a Christian. She told me that God is the biggest help during this battle. I was set up in the OR. My right arm placed to my side and sort of strapped down, the left arm as well. Was I having surgery on my breast or being crucified? The nurse anesthetist told me I would feel some burning in my IV and to take some deep breaths.... the next thing I knew, I was being woken up. 

     While I was in there... the circulating nurse called Brad. She reported to him that the result from the lymph nodes was back and it was negative. He paused and said let me understand, there is no cancer in the lymph nodes. She said correct, the lymph nodes are cancer free. He said "Thank you Jesus!" and he said he started to cry. Of course, the whole family is watching so he gave them thumbs up and then told them when he walked back to them. Apparently they all started praising God right there! Please understand, I believe God would still have worked with this and helped me had the cancer been in my lymph nodes, but still... THANK YOU GOD FOR MY LYMPH NODES BEING CANCER FREE!!!!! 

     I woke up and did what I told my family I was going to do.... I reached over and felt my left arm pit. I said to my post op nurse, "I don't have a drain, do I?" She answered no. I smiled and said "Oh thank you Jesus! That means my lymph nodes were clear and I don't have cancer there!" She smiled at me. Brad came back. I told him I checked and no cancer in my nodes. He smiled and said "I know, I know". He was teary. I am teary writing this! What a relief! This means no radiation! Oh thank you God! 

     My family came in and out of recovery. I was a little nauseous and a lot thirsty. Very dry mouth. My nurse gave me some zofran and some sprite and graham crackers. The nausea left, the dry mouth.... well, that took a couple days.... Before I knew it, it was time to go home! Brad helped me dress and I was wheeled out! They were so good to me there at Ohio Valley Surgical Hospital. So good.... 

     I found out that my surgeon, Dr Daniels, took my tumors to pathology and they told her the margins were clear, but close.... so she immediately went back to the OR and removed more tissue. Her theory and thought process it that she wants to make SURE she got it all. FINE BY ME! Get every bit you can! I have dressings across my left breast, under my left arm pit and above my right breast, right subclavian region for my port. No driving. Dressings to stay on until Friday.  No lifting over 20 pounds (grandkids are out) and rest and other activities as normal. 

     Home.....  Cody was awake and getting ready to come to the hospital to see me. Instead he saw me at home and then he was off to work. My cousin (cousins wife) Suzanne came and brought us dinner. DELICIOUS! She also prayed with us. (so much love and prayer today!) My cousin Vicki came and brought us gift cards to Chipotle! YUM-O! and my best friend came again and brought me pie, since it was pi day! Rebekah stayed for awhile...  Before I knew it, Brad and I were going to sleep. The day was over and I was home..... Thank you Lord for friends, family and love and prayer.... 

     

I got to see the Pandas!!!

      So..... before my surgery, my daughter, Rebekah, who is a dance major  senior at Wright State University had an audition in Washington DC... The audition was set for Sunday March 13... We had decided since DC is not so far away, we would go with her. I asked if we could go on Friday night so that we could go to the National Zoo on Saturday. YES! We got to go! I cannot tell you how excited I was! 

     So, home from work on Friday (which was a great day and another blog) and we were off to the zoo. Arrived in DC around 1am. Slept til around 830, got up and took off towards Dupont Circle. Why? It was close and I knew there was a Starbucks near there and  Krispy Kreme. Andrew (Rebekah's fiance`) got a bagel at Starbucks, I got a Chai Frappucino (mmmmm) and we walked up to Krispy Kreme.... Hot/ Now donuts... mmmmm fresh from the grease and icing waterfall. They were DELICIOUS! 

     So, down to the subway.... bought our passes and took off toward the zoo. As we exited the subway (it has been a few years since I have been to DC) Brad, Rebekah and Andrew use their pass to exit... I didn't see why... I just pushed thru the gate and exited. Well... apparently the DC subway does not charge you until you EXIT! OOPS! So, that ride was free! We started walking towards the zoo. Brad pointed out that we drove past here the night before and he didn't remember seeing a zoo. I shrugged... Finally, we get there! The National ZOO!!! WOOOOO!!!! 

  So, the sign is not in your face... That would explain why he didn't see it at midnight the night before! Off we go.... We saw the sloth bear, the fisher cat, looked for the clouded leopard, but he was hiding and the red panda exhibit is closed presently.... Then we went to the otters.... The small clawed Aisian otters... OH MY GOSH! They were so stinkin cute!!! They are also my FAVORITE animal of all time! I just love them! They were running around, playing and eating.... we saw them again at the end of the day and it was sprinkling, they were upset and wanted inside and went to the door that would take them inside and would squee and such and then run to another area and squee... SO PRECIOUS! 

 I just love watching them play and run and talk to each other... 

     Then it was time for the big event (for me) the Giant Pandas... I was hoping they would be awake... I watch them online all the time, the National Zoo has Panda Cams that allows you to watch the pandas at anytime of the day or night. Some people say I am stalking them... no, no, no... I am an interested wildlife enthusiast. Anyway.... We say them.... they were so precious and cute and funny! I loved every minute of it! 

   This was such an awesome day! Rebekah was able to see the American Bison (her favorite animal) and Andrew was able to go thru the bird house (which was what he desired most) and Brad got to see the Gorilla, which is why he goes to zoos to begin with). The silverback was HUGE and awesome! 

 

As soon as it started, it seemed our day at the zoo was done. We then headed back to the hotel to rest as I was going to meet up with a friend from Kindergarten (that I had from then until now and went to school with all the way thru) later for drinks and such. 

     So that evening, we met up with my longtime friend, Kris at a Tapas bar near the Verizon Center where there were a lot of NCAA games going on. We shared a lot of good times and laughs and a pitcher of sangria (which was AWESOME!). It was a great time and so glad to see her! Especially while she is in the states. She is a Captain in the US Navy, a member of JAG. She has traveled all over the world and has been raising a family all the while! Thank you Kris for your service to our country! and thank you also for such a great time!!!! 

     Rebekah went to her audition which did not pan out (insert sad face). We went to see the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution and then did a quick drive around the mall before we headed home. It was a quick trip but a great way to relax before surgery. I'm so glad we went..... so headed home on Sunday, to have surgery on Monday..... WOW! 

SURGERY SCHEDULED!!!!!!

     Oh my goodness!!!!! What a week!!!! I feel like I say that a lot, but still..... So, things are just moving.... slowly..... needed to make a decision... Finally thru much prayer and thought and talking it out, decided. Lumpectomy and will have the plastic surgeon make both sides look the same and do a mastopexy (lift the girls up). Also will ask for a medi port placed as well. 

     Had an appointment with my surgeon, Dr Daniels, on Wednesday March 9, one month and one day after being diagnosed. She asked what I had decided, and I told her. She said, ok, sounds good. She reviewed everything with Brad and I. What will happen, what it will be like post op, everything... I signed consent forms for her and asked if I will need to sign consents with the plastic surgeon. Yes, I would have to and they will call to get things set up with him. I stopped in the schedulers office on my way out and she gave me the paperwork I would need to take to the hospital, and said she would get in touch with the plastic surgeon and call me.

     The scheduler from Dr Daniels office called that afternoon. She told me she spoke to his office and his staff said they needed to talk to him before they could give a surgery date, but she would call me the next day. 
    
     So.... Thursday (today, March 10).... I am waiting and waiting... I really want that phone call to schedule my surgery. No call, no call, no call. 3pm comes... I can't stand it. I call her office. I speak to the scheduler. She just got off the phone to the plastic surgeon's office. They are trying to work things out, but should for sure have a date by tomorrow. I ask, do you think it will be next week? She says "Oh no.... we are looking at April sometime." I flipped. I really lost it. I said "You have got to be kidding me! April?" She says that is the only time the plastic surgeon can work with Dr Daniels. I am floored.... So, I start crying and crying and crying. Real boo hooing... I said "I can't go on with this. Initially you all told me that I would most likely have surgery 18 days after diagnosis, it has been over a month and still no surgery" "I know", she says. "I am so worried about the cancer spreading and Dr Filix said this is an invasive and aggressive cancer, is it spreading? There were no signs of it being in my lymph nodes, but a month has gone by, could it be there now? If I wait until April will it be there then?" She asks if I have to have radiation. I said, "I don't know! That will only depend on if it is in the lymph nodes! I have to have chemotherapy and I can't start that until at least a month after surgery. I have told the doctors, every one of them that my daughter is getting married in June and I don't want to feel like crap at my daughter's wedding. If I have to wait until April, I will feel horrible at my daughter's wedding." Thru all the tears and crying I finally ask, "If I cut Dr (the plastic surgeon) out of this, when could I have surgery?" "Well," she says, either March 14 or March 21." I told her I would talk to my husband and call her back. 

     Poor Brad. I called him at work and I was crying and crying. He didn't know what was wrong. I finally get it all out by starting off with "how important is the plastic surgery and reconstruction to you?" He tells me repeatedly that none of that is important to him and we absolutely cannot wait until April to have this cancer removed. Maybe later we can re-look at reconstruction, but for right now, lets get this out! So, I call Dr Daniels office back... I tell her I will take March 14th (THIS MONDAY!). She says, most likely surgery will be at 10 or 10:30, I will need to be at the hospital around 7.... but she will call me back to confirm. 

     Dr Daniels office called back.... Surgery is SCHEDULED for Monday March 14. Surgery will be at 11am, but I need to be at the hospital at 8. This is because they are injecting my with radiation to determine which lymph nodes are associated with my breast. Those will be removed immediately and sent for pathology. Then they will place my medi port. If she has the all clear from the lab regarding the lymph nodes, she will stitch my arm pit up. If there is cancer, she will remove all my lymph nodes. She will then remove the cancer and walk the tumors over to the lab to see if she has clear margins. If the margins are clear, stitch me up! Send me to recovery and then eventually home later that day... :) 

     I felt so embarrassed to cry at work, to especially cry that hard.... A few of my co-workers talked to me while I was crying and afterwards... offering me love and support. They are truly the best... My dear friend, Dulce, (who will be my daughter's mother-in-law) felt a call from the Lord to come to my desk then as well. She offered me comfort and reminded me that God is in control. He is in control and who knows why things have worked out this way.... He knows!

     God does truly have a plan.... Just because what I want doesn't always go with what He thinks is best, it is part of His plan. I truly love my Lord and trust Him. 

     This week has just been emotional.... not that the other weeks haven't been. A UTI, trying to keep this wrapped around my head.... it's a lot.... yesterday I came home from work and fell asleep around 5:15 and basically slept til this morning. I was exhausted. Then today.... UGH!!!! 

     In other news.... Rebekah is going to Washington, DC this weekend for an audition. Praise the Lord, I get to go! I wasn't sure if I would... but we leave tomorrow night for DC and on Saturday I get to go to the National Zoo and see the pandas! I have been stalking them on-line and now I get to see them in person. Brad will spend time with the gorillas, Rebekah with the bison.... Andrew can keep tabs on us at all the places... :) We come home Sunday night... Surgery Monday morning. 

Waiting

     Well, here we are, waiting again.... HA! I think that we will have more waiting times to come... But, that's ok.... because what are the other options? 

     Last week, we saw 2 doctors... we were trying to make a decision. A lot of people have prayed... I feel like God has led me and I have decided that I am going to do a lumpectomy. I see my surgeon on Wednesday (3/9/16) and MY plan is that on that date I will at minimum sign consent forms and at BEST have a surgery date. My hope is that even if I leave her office withOUT a surgery date, that her office calls the next day with a surgery date. 

     So, a lot of ups and downs since last week. Can't say anything specific has had me up or down, just THIS... It has me back and forth. I know now what I want to do. However, I am scared at times about it. I think about the chemo, that makes me anxious. I am well aware that I need to let God run this journey... I am doing my best to let Him have control. I am doing my best to cast my cares upon Him.... it's not easy. I am trying. I have had a lot of "moments" when I have cried. Then moments when I am joking about this. 

 

     Rebekah had her hair done Saturday. My beauty salon has wig catalogs. I looked thru them and picked out a wig that will definitely be my "wedding wig" for Rebekah's wedding in June. It can be worn curly, straight or in an up do! This is the wig (to the left) and the color is the bottom color, butterscotch.  So.... I have that.... My hairstylist said I can drop the wig off early in the week the week of the wedding and then pick it up on the wedding day. So, that makes me happy... but sad at the same time. I don't want to lose my hair... but, I want to look good on my daughter's wedding day. So.... again, a lot of mixed emotions... 



     I had a migraine Friday night, then on Sunday went to Urgent Care because I felt strongly that I had a UTI. I was correct. Of course, the doctor at Urgent Care didn't take the time to update my "chart" there so she did not know that I had been diagnosed with cancer. Instead she chose to lecture me on my diabetes and that I need to control it better. There was a lot I wanted to say and chose not to. I really just wanted a script for antibiotics and to get out of there. I finally did. I went to Urgent Care because I felt horrible and didn't want to have to take MORE time away from work to go to MY family doctor... So, I guess you get what you get... Unbelievable.... So, thank you doctor for lecturing me.... I do think that maybe some stress in my life could also be causing some havoc with my diabetes.... Also, the fact that I had just eaten prior to coming to see you may also have had something to do with it (of course, when I tried to say that, you ignored me)... 

     We had some funny things happen over the weekend... My finger tips were shut in the bathroom door on accident, they are ok, it was funny, not at the moment, but funny... I screamed like a little girl.... scared the whole family.... Rebekah and I played Bunco Saturday with her future mother-in-laws (Dulce) Sorority. That was fun! The boys were here all weekend.... love those boogers... They go back tomorrow.... My latest class started up today (Monday).... 7 weeks long... It will be good.... 

     Today, some reality has tried to creep in... cried at lunch... scared.... anxious.... of course, not feeling well.... 

      But God is in control.... not me..... Good thing! 

There was so much I wanted to say.... now..... none of it seems important.... 

     So, we just wait until I go to the doctor again.... I'm hoping to have better answers mid week.... I'm hoping this time next week I'm preparing for surgery.... There are days when I wonder if this is really happening? I think the waiting makes it worse... because if this is real, again, why do I feel ok (except for the UTI)? Why is there no major rush? I feel like I have lived an eternity and it has truly only been a month....My life has taken a major turn and yet, I feel the same and nothing has changed yet....  I wonder what all will happen... and when.... 

The Difference a Day and Prayer can Make!

     Let me start by saying thank you.... thank you Prayer Warriors! I'm not sure if God was trying to teach us something and we learned, if he just wanted me to state my feelings and concerns and THEN give me answers or wanted me to ask for more prayer and then give answers OR..... I am just impatient and the answers were coming and I was just a whiny child..... Regardless.... some answers came today... 

     Last night, I went to "bed" early.... I was just done... laid in bed and read.... Brad came to bed and we talked and prayed.... Prayed and cried.... Brad said he intended to start calling today and get things moving again..... Well.... 

     This morning, the geneticist from Children's called Brad... I am BRCA NEGATIVE! Praise the Lord! This means TWO things for sure.... One - my kids, specifically, Rebekah are at no greater risk for breast cancer than anyone else... Two - I do NOT have to have my ovaries removed.... however, surgery.... well...... 

     I had emailed the oncologist's office and then I got the results... So, I called Dr Filix. I spoke with his nurse, Aimee (she is so nice to me). We talked and she said she would go over everything with Dr Filix and call me back. So, before I could get a return call from her, the plastic surgeon called me... the surgeon himself... Told me to call his office, tell them we spoke on his cell phone and to get me in asap. I updated Brad and then called the plastic surgeon.... They talked to me and said could I come at 1:30 today? Um... YES! Texted Brad.... Then... 

     The phone rings... It's Dr Filix's office.... Aimee tells me he could meet with me and go over everything... "I have an appointment next Thursday? Should I come in sooner?" Well..He has an opening at 11:45 today.... could you make it? (It's 11:10). "Yes, I'll be there!". So, a quick call to Brad.... He says "Ok.... I'll meet you there"

     Off we go to the cancer center. We see Dr Filix.... He tells me I could do a lumpectomy, single mastectomy or double mastectomy. It's all up to me. We discuss everything multiple times... We also discuss chemotherapy. It looks like regardless I will have to do chemo. (Ok, I sort of resigned myself to that).... Then I say "Well, I sort of think I just want to do a double mastectomy." I look at Brad who looks like his eyes are going to bug out... He sort of mentions, I thought you were leaning towards lumpectomy. I was.... but now, I don't know... maybe double.... I want to hear what plastic surgeon has to say.... Then, Dr Filix says he will call Dr Daniels, and he does so, right that minute! She is not able to answer, so he says, they will talk... He says get in to see her right away. Ok.... and come see me in about 5 weeks. Ok.... 

     We go to lunch.... Brad states his surprise that I may want to do a double mastectomy. I say, yeah, but.... We also discuss that part of my desire with that may be to have new boobs.... well, yeah..... Then off to the plastic surgeon.... 

     We see him.... He examines me... tells me I am a good candidate for either lumpectomy or bilateral mastectomy.... if we do the double, recovery time is like about 6 weeks, I will leave surgery with 4 JP drains, and expanders in place.... return to see him frequently for measuring of drains, look at wounds, and filling of expanders. Then after all treatment is done, I will go back and have surgery to have expanders removed and implants placed. If I do lumpectomy, he can do what is called an oncoplasty... it is a combination mastopexy and rebuilding of breasts .... so, boobs are lifted up and rounded out so they match. Yes, both breasts! I have actually wanted a mastopexy for a long time... recovery time would be about 3 - 4 weeks, 2 JP drains (one for each breast) and reconstruction is all done. No more surgery... All done.... 

     I cannot start chemo until healed from surgery. Cannot have expanders removed and permanent implants placed until all treatments are done.... So, surgery now and surgery again in about a year or so.... (if I do a double mastectomy)... 

     So NOW I am thinking (again) lumpectomy.... Back where I started from.... Brad says he would rather see me do lumpectomy... I am thinking now that that may be my best option.... 

     One last thing is there is one other test hanging out there... an Onc Dx.... this will tell my recurrence rate. My Ki67 is already high.... it is over 50%.... with that, it shows the proliferation rate of my cancer and the aggressiveness of my cancer.... if the Onc Dx is high, it means high recurrence rate not just in breast, but anywhere.... oh my gosh... so much information! But the good news (and didn't think I would say this) is that those test results will not be back for another 5 days or so.... Which will be in time for me to see Dr Daniels and schedule my surgery. 

     If I had to decide at this given moment, I would say lumpectomy.... I just panic and get scared... I don't know.... 

     So, please keep praying for us.... Pray for peace for us both... Pray for Brad to be able to handle me (ha ha, of course, he has had almost 30 years experience in handling me, so..... I think he will be ok)... Pray that I have a knock on the head moment or moment of clarity or something very specific occur that tells me what to do and what is the right choice. 

Again, right this moment, I am leaning towards lumpectomy.... I just don't know... 

     But thank you all for reading and thank you for the prayers.... and remember everyone with ANY illness ..... Jesus loves you, He loves me, He loves us all! and He hears us.... just remember, when we don't think He hears us, He hears... He is just waiting for the right moment to give us the answer.... 

Peace out! 

     

A couple bad days....

      So I had a great weekend away.... Then..... boom, the enemy attacks... If you didn't know, I have suffered from depression, anxiety and self doubt and low self esteem for more than 20 years... probably longer.... So, with that preface.... 

     I had really hoped that my DNA results (the BRCA test) would be in since it is the results of THAT test that determine my treatment and surgery. Words cannot tell how upset and frustrated I am... Yesterday, Brad called the genetics people twice. I called once. They spoke to both of us.... no results, but they are going to keep bugging the lab. I called again today... no results but she's going to keep "bugging them"... Well, guess what? I'm going to keep bugging her until we get the results! I know that there are many cancer patients but there is only one me! If Brad or myself do not stand up for me, I will get lost in the cracks. I'm a Registered Nurse... I know that that's what happens to people. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.... honey.... I'm squeaky! 

     It all really started Sunday night... My left breast (where the tumors are), felt tender to touch and painful where the tumors are. I messaged my oncologist... They answered me (all through email/ my chart). They said the tenderness could be the cancer. Oh joy. Both breasts were tender, but the left worse and the tumors hurt even when not being touched. I don't have a uterus (hysterectomy in 2010) but I still have my ovaries.... so it's possible that this tenderness and pain is from "ovulation"... however, my cancer is also hormone driven so that would make it more sensitive. However, this is of little consolation to me. Especially when I was initially told they try to get all patients to surgery within 18 days of diagnosis. That would have been last Friday, February 26. So, we passed that date.... This all started on February 1.... So a month ago.... 

     So.... Here we are.... a month ago told I have breast cancer and still no definite plan... I DID call my surgeon's office and said I wanted a referral to a plastic surgeon because if I have to have a double mastectomy, I want reconstruction. My surgeon told me that they will start this as soon as my breasts are removed, the surgeon will step out and the plastic surgeon will step in and start the process. So...; while I wait, I may as well see the plastic surgeon... My surgeon's office called this morning and told me they were referring me to a doc that primarily practices in Dayton, but also has a Springfield office. Never heard from him today... So, I am calling in the morning and playing dumb and asking if I am supposed to call or what and telling them I will go to any office for an appointment. I don't care.... I just want seen.... and I want this to move..... like now... I want this cancer out of my body now! Then I think about my daughter's wedding. I will need chemo after surgery, but can't start that until a month after.... The first round will be like 8 weeks long... We need to move.... time is a wasting! I don't want to feel like CRAP at my daughter's wedding. 

     I'm scared and anxious and frustrated and tired and emotional..... I'm just done today! I spent a lot of time crying today and time crying at my desk... Someone at work saw me a bit later and asked if I had been crying.... So, again... with all the crying and the breast tenderness, maybe it IS "period" time... 

     I am trying to formulate a plan..... I realize that there is very LITTLE that I can do to control any of this..... I can only control my responses and my attitude.... Today and yesterday I have failed.... my responses and my attitude have sucked! I am sad and tearful and scared. I know, okay, I know that my God is bigger than cancer and bigger than doctors and bigger than tests..... and He is bigger than anxiety and depression.... but there are days that I just want to cry on Him and be sad... I also want to eat chocolate and ice cream and pout and feel sorry for myself.... I know that none of that is healthy and such.... but..... Then, my scripture says.... 

  My initial plan at this point, is to message my oncologist tonight and say.... what do you think? I'm not getting test results, I'm really concerned and anxious, my daughter's wedding is coming faster and faster.... do I just have a double mastectomy or what.... will I for sure need chemo no matter what? (I need to know because if I do, I want my port placed during surgery). Then, I will wait for a bit tomorrow, likely til 11 or so and then call the plastic surgeon's office and the genetics people and say "Hey, what's up?" I need results and an appointment... let's rock people! Ok, I won't say it like that. But you get the idea. ;) 

     Also, not to be forgotten.... My coworkers have TRULY been the best.... they surprise me with posters for my walls, gifts and general good things and happiness and love and support... They are so good to me.... Today, this is what I get... 

These people are so good to me.... I cannot say enough about what they have done.... I love them so much and appreciate all that they have done.... they just don't stop.... <3 

     So, overall, my requests from this rant are few:

•  Please keep praying, not just for me but for everyone going thru this nonsense. Pray for those not fighting. They need more prayer. 
• Pray that we get answers NOW. I am going nutty nuts. 
• Pray for calmness and peace. God's perfect peace. 
• Pray for a plan and appointments to fall into place. 
• Pray that I can feel well for Rebekah's wedding. 
• Be kind to one another.... you don't know who needs what.....

Peace.... I'm out! (mic drop)