Post Op (Again)

     So.... back to see my surgeon, Dr Jennifer Daniels (love her). She told me everything on the post op pathology report was good (whew). We reviewed how I am feeling and what is going on. 

     Because I am still tired and wear down easy, I am still off work. We also discussed the hypersensitivity that I am having. Which just puts me thru the roof.... mostly because it makes me crazy and there is nothing I can do to stop it, except take my top off. Apparently the hypersensitivity can be a normal side effect because of the nerve endings being cut and trying to settle down. So, she placed me on neurontin to try to help this. She did say that if in a couple weeks, I can stop it. But if it helps, I will only need to take it a couple months. My incisions are healing like they should and things are going just like they should. She said the swelling I am having is normal. My chest is still swollen and I think there is some swelling in my abdomen too. Fortunately I have not had much of an issue with my left arm (where the lymph nodes were removed). She feels it is because I have been exercising it. However, I'm not done with her yet. :) I have a follow up appointment with her in 6 months. Why so long? Well, I start chemo on May 3rd and since I will be doing chemo, I will be checked on by all the nurses and the doctor there. So, she will see me again in 6 months. However, she told me to please call if there is a problem. 

     So... I start chemo May 3rd. wow.... It will be here soon.... less than a week. I'm off work again next week so that is good.... 

     Dr Daniels said I need to be off work the rest of this week and all of next week. Then I will return to work on May 9th. I will be going back and working half days only. I will be working mornings. I am working half days until June 2nd. After that I will be released to work full time again. My boss is very willing to work with that... so that is good... 

     My big concern now is my hair..... I last worked with everyone on March 11. I left thinking I would only be out a couple weeks and come back. I thought I was only going to have a lumpectomy, so I would basically come back the same... things changed and I had to have a double mastectomy. Because all the swelling has not gone down from my surgery, I cannot get prosthetic breasts yet. I have to wait until 6 - 8 weeks from surgery to get fitted for those. Because I likely have to have radiation, I couldn't have immediate breast reconstruction either. So, I'm flat chested. Nothing. It's quite unique. I look different from how I did on March 11. It makes me sad. I can't change that and as most people say, but you are alive. 

     Back to my hair... I start chemo May 3. They have told me to expect hair loss to start between 10 - 14 days after the first treatment. Well, it will be like 6 days when I go back to work. I've said that I will buzz my hair before it starts to fall out. This is because I don't want to lose it like that. I want some control on losing my hair. Well, the question has become, do I buzz it before I return to work and just go back wearing a wig or do I wait a bit? The first weekend after I return to work, we are going to Chicago for a bridal shower for Rebekah. I do NOT want to be out of town and know that it is a distinct possibility that I will be losing my hair. That I could wake up in a different place and have hair all over my pillow or lose it in the shower and not be prepared. Plus the emotional side of losing my hair.... do I want to deal with that when I am out of town? I could do it the night we leave.... oh joy... that would be fun, huh? I don't know. So, maybe next weekend I will buzz it off. Or as I like to say, "Go 2007 Brittany". 

     So.... things are moving along and I'm overwhelmed again.... but physically, doing well.  

How do I know God Loves me?

      A while back, I said I would say how I knew that God loves me. I am going to share part of that story now.... 

     When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, God spoke to me and reminded me of different ways he shows his love. But first, a back story ..... 

     In 1996 my mom died. Not of breast cancer, but of complications of diabetes. Her death certificate reads "cause of death: Myocardial Infarction due to Chronic Renal Failure due to Diabetes Mellitus" That was a horrible year for our family. My mom died in April. My granddaddy (my mom's dad) died on Father's Day and 6 days later my father-in-law died (of cancer). Our dog had to be put down in July and the worst ever, 5 days before Christmas my brother-in-law, Bruce Schultz was killed by a teenage drunk driver. My husband lost his father and his brother and had to hold up his wife as she lost her mother and grandfather in one year. It was awful. The loss of Bruce just put it all over the top. 

     During this time, I plunged into the Bible. I have been a Christian since the age of 8 but needed God more now than ever before. I talked with my Grandma and spent more time with her. But I was literally on my knees daily. Praying and reading God's word. There were many times I didn't know where to go... I read James. I read Isaiah and Jeremiah. Then I read Job. There was someone who had endured loss. Job endured loss and pain and physical suffering. Yet, he praised the Lord. Job was told by his wife to curse the Lord. He did not. He had friends come along side of him. They sometimes told him to give up, other times they just sat with him. He questioned God and asked why. God answered him. Job. What an interesting man and what an interesting story. 

     So.... I was diagnosed with cancer. I have breast cancer. I have loved the Lord for most of my life and have had Jesus as MY Lord and Savior for nearly 40 years. Why do I have cancer? Do I really have it when I feel fine? At that time, I did not know what was in store for me.... a lumpectomy (which happened)? A Mastectomy? A Bilateral Mastectomy (which also happened)? Removal of lymph nodes (happened!)? Will I have chemo (yes I will)? Will I need radiation (I'm told I will)? Then I heard the Lord speak to me.... He told me that not only does He love me, but He knows that I love Him! WHAT? How can this be that I know this? Well..... Job. 

     Read Job. In the very beginning of Job, satan approaches the Lord and the Lord asks satan what he has been up to. Satan tells him that he has been prowling the earth and looking all around at people and places. God asks, if satan has considered His servant Job. Satan argues that Job has had life too easy and if things were taken away from him, Job would curse God. God argues and says no way, Job loves me too much. Job loses his children and his wealth. Satan keeps returning to God to argue about Job. He attacks Job's health and takes away so many good things in his life. 

     Please understand, I am not by any means comparing myself to Job in those respects. I certainly do not have wealth. My family has never been wealthy, as a matter of fact, we have been welfare recipients and been on food stamps before. We are now doing ok, but never wealthy. We only have two children and we have (Praise the Lord!) never lost them. We have two grandsons and they are healthy as well. But..... 

     Satan knew that I love God.... he approached God and said, "Does Sara Espich really love you?" The Lord said "Yes." Satan said "she suffers from depression and anxiety. I bet if something even bigger were to hit her, she would curse you and turn from you." God said "She also has diabetes. She has survived her mother's death, her grandmother's death and her brother's death." Satan said, "yeah, but nothing that would threaten her life immediately"... God said "bring it. She LOVES me. She won't turn on me" 

     So, when I was diagnosed with cancer, I found out that not only does God love me, but He knows that I LOVE HIM! How awesome is that? I love Him.... He knows this. He TRUSTS me! He trusts me enough to know that I will not walk away from Him! 

     Praise the Lord! God LOVES ME!!!! 

A top 10 ....

  A Top 10 List of Cancer 

10) Surgery sucks, but laying around with no responsibility? YES !

9) Because of cancer, I am now the music coordinator for my daughter's wedding. 

8) Grandsons being upset because you are hurt. Nothing like love and concern from a 3 year old. I love that kid! 

7) Ice cream anytime you ask for it! 

6) People bring you meals and snacks.... mmmmmmmm cookies! 

5) The wonderful world of daytime TV! (no, that's not a good thing) 

4) Interesting comments from well meaning people. i.e. "you have THAT type of cancer?" "Are your doctors competent?" 

3) Shower? No Shower? Who cares! No one sees you! 

2) Insurance deductible met by the end of February! 

and the CURRENT number one for cancer

1) Insurance out of pocket met before second surgery meaning nothing else has to be paid out of pocket except office visits the rest of the year!!!!! 

Sigh..... hanging out

     Well, here I am.... hanging out.... resting, recouperating.... I am reading and doing needlepoint... and trying to avoid feeling anxious and and feeling bored and sometimes lonely.... 

     Some of the "new" things going on have been hypersensitivity. My chest and the area where my breasts used to "hang" have become extra sensitive to touch. Not just skin to skin touch, but to touch from clothing. Its ok if the material just lays there, but once it moves.... Oh mama! 

      It's been a little over 3 weeks. I keep thinking I should be back to normal. Brad keeps saying, "Honey, you had 2 major surgeries in 2 weeks time! It is going to take awhile to recover". I wish I could listen better. 

     I see my surgeon on Monday April 25. I am curious as to what she will say. I still have some slightly "open" areas. The places where my drains were. I have a couple scabs along the incision line. Other than that, I think THAT portion of my healing is going well. However, I am still swollen and retaining fluid in my chest and belly. My chest actually is holding fluid where my left breast used to be... UGH! That is frustrating! Plus it is uncomfortable. My chest feels tight and the extra fluid sloshes and such... Plus the fluid in my abdomen is making me nauseous (at least that's what I'm blaming the nausea on).Waa Waa Waa! Whine Whine Whine! 

     But God is good and the days are good. Thankfully the sun finally arrived here in Mid-Central Ohio and it got warm.... mmmmm..... After I start chemo, I will not be allowed to be in the sun due to hypersensitivity. So, I'm taking advantage of it now! I have been out the sun about an hour a day each warm day... It feels so good and I am getting some color.... 

     The wig I ordered at Good Sam came in, my daughter is driving me to get it today! I'm excited for that... I also made a decision. My oncologist and his nurse have both told me I WILL lose my hair. Usually it happens about 10 - 14 days after the first treatment. Well, I honestly don't know if I can mentally handle waking up and seeing chunks of hair on my pillow. Or having it come out in my hand in the shower or just as I brush my hand thru my hair. That is too much for me. So, after my first chemo treatment, about 10 - 14 days after, I am buzzing my head. Cancer does not allow us to have much control over things. I am taking back control on my hair. Cancer says I will lose my hair. I get to say WHEN I will lose my hair. So ha ha ha cancer! 

     What else? Well, my faithful companions are just rotten to the core! Grace will only bark and such when Brad or Cody come home.... a stranger walks in, nothing. Nymphadora just runs and hides. Couldn't they try to protect me more? 

     I submitted my final project/ paper for my last class this semester. Praise the Lord! After this only 3 more classes to graduation and I will have my bachelors! 
     
      Speaking of bachelors, Rebekah and her fiance, Andrew will graduate with THEIR bachelors on Saturday April 30. So proud of them. 

     Ok.... enough for now! Peace out ! 

still having swelling, still resting

     Well, here I am.... still resting and still having swelling.... but apparently, my impatience is not so good..... I feel like I should be back to normal (whatever that is) and am frustrated that I am not. I have learned it takes anywhere from 4 - 8 weeks for the swelling to go away.... I'm still tender at the incision sites and around there and especially around the lymph node removal area. UGH! I just want to feel normal, but I now have to find a new normal. 

     The swelling is nutty.... Where my breasts were, the little pockets, are fluid filled and the area above my incisions is very puffy and swollen. I am even swollen in my abdomen. The fluid has to go where it can. I've lost weight since surgery but have no idea how much because I have no idea how much fluid I'm holding. I AM glad about the weight loss. No matter what anyone says. I have a wedding in June! I need to get thin! ;) 

     I'm still nauseous. I'm not sure what that's about. Not sure if it's because I had 2 surgeries in 2 weeks or because of the emotional upset that all this has caused or because of the physical trauma my body has been through or a combination of all of this. But I'm nauseous. Eh.... ginger cookies and chai tea are so good for nausea.... At least for me. 

     I'm still tired. It's amazing at what makes me tired too. Going out to Wal Mart for a bit (like an hour) and I"m done... BOO! I used to RUN! Really run! I've done 2 half marathons! Not that I was fast, by any means, but I used to RUN! Now, my big activities are homework, working on decorations for the wedding and reading. 

     I've been discouraged the past week. Not sure why unless it's because I am so tired and still swollen and nauseous. My daughter, Rebekah gets discouraged because she searches the internet repeatedly looking for stories of women who have had a bilateral mastectomy and did not do reconstructive surgery. Everyone you talk to that has had this has IMMEDIATELY had reconstructive surgery. That was not an option for me because of the treatment plan. In actuality, if the additional tumors had been spotted PRIOR to the first surgery OR if we had known that there WAS lymph node involvement prior to the first surgery, I likely would NOT have had the first surgery, but would have had chemo and radiation FIRST.... THEN have had surgery after all that. So I am thankful that I had surgery first. It works out for the best. I would have been worried that the chemo was doing it's job while waiting to have surgery. 

     I also get down because I get scared about the chemo. I have asked a couple people about it. I have also been to "chemo education" at my oncologists. How I am going to react, no one knows. I have been trying to maintain a positive attitude. I just want to be able to work and to go to my daughter's wedding. I don't want to throw up. I have vomiting. 

     The sun has been out and warm the past few days. I have been outside enjoying the sunshine... just sitting and reading my books. After I start chemo, that is a no no. I start chemo on Tuesday May 3. I really sort of wanted to do Thursdays or Fridays.... but, the nurse said Tuesday is good because if I really start to feel bad, they can bring me back in there and give me IV fluids or other things during the week. The weekend, not so much. So, I placed it in God's hands and Tuesday afternoons it is. 

     I also get tired of not seeing and talking to adults. As much as I don't want to work, I need to see people! But it's all good..... God is leading me and walking me thru this. I am not alone. I have a wonderful husband who is with me. From the time he wakes up, he kisses me goodbye and texts me throughout the day to check on me. The moment he gets home, He is by my side. I have had people bring us meals and treats. That is always fun and unexpected and nice. It's just been odd. 

     I have said this before... If you would have told me last year, last November, or in early January that I would be going thru this journey, I would have laughed at you. Laughed hard. My life has turned upside down and inside out. God is faithful. He loves me. I know He does. I will share a story soon about how I know he loves me. 

Enjoy the day.... enjoy the sun... enjoy the warmth and enjoy each other.... 

a week and a half!

     Well, here I am..... the weekend.... resting at home. Brad is at work. Cody and the boys are at a friends house. Rebekah is at school. Grace is asleep on the couch (what a vicious watchdog!). Nymphadora is "catnapping" on the back of the chair with her face to the window. At least she is watching out for me. 

     I went back to the surgeon Thursday. The last two drains were removed! Praise the Lord! I still had to be "bound" with an ace wrap for another 24 hours. I hated that binding. It rubbed and hurt and was just uncomfortable. So, last night, more than 24 hours after.... Brad helped me removed it. It took quite some time. Then I saw it. My new chest. My incision (with steri strips). My current look. I turned to Brad and said "What do you think?" He said "It looks good. She did a good job." I just stared. I said, "seriously." He said, "I think you are beautiful. I love you" Then he just hugged me and cried. He told me he was sorry I had to lose my breasts. We both just held each other and cried. 

 

     So, I looked and looked again. It was quite an interesting thing to see. Never could get in my head what I would look like. There were odd things. Some remnants of stretch marks from when I had my babies and breastfed them. Scars from where my breasts and bras rubbed for nearly 40 years. Little half circles where the bottom of the cup would have been. There is still some fluid in there waiting to be absorbed by my body. In the previous left breast region, if you touch it, little waves go across. Plus I can hear it when I move the right way.  It is truly something I never thought I would see on my body. Again, if I would have been told this was going to happen at the end of last year or even in early January, I would have laughed at you. But, here I am... 

     So, Brad rubbed my back and just below my shoulders in front. He also rubbed where my nerves had hurt so bad from the lymph node removal and from the binding. Oh that felt like heaven! Rub those knots away! Of course, he STILL won't touch my port. If he even starts to touch it, he freaks out. He says it feel like an alien under my skin and it grosses him out. Makes me laugh. He's ok with me losing my breasts, but the port... that's where he draws the line. Too funny. 

     Things are progressing.... I still can't believe this is happening. But, it is...  I'm still in school.... I have an assignment due tomorrow, and then 2 weeks left of this semester! Then I am done until next fall. (Praise God!) My brain is not entirely into it, but it's ok. I have made 6 sunflower balls (will show photo in next blog) for Rebekah's wedding. Working on handkerchiefs for the wedding. Reading Harry Potter (again). Just hanging out. 

     Just remember to spread love. Share positive feelings with everyone. Try to have patience. You never know what someone is facing when you see them. It may not even be a battle within them, but with someone they love. We ALL need love and we all need Jesus. Try to be Jesus to everyone you meet. And, be like a hedgehog... trundle on.... 

Week One Post Op/ treatment plan

     So.... continuing on my journey. I had a post op appointment with my surgeon's nurses on Monday April 4. I was hoping to get at least one drain removed, maybe two. Those drains were putting out still a lot of liquid (at least 2 of them were). My friend, Natalie, took me to the doctor's office. After removing my dressing, and reviewing how much was going into each drain, it was determined that drain #1 could be pulled. I lay down on the table and the nurse removed the sutures holding it in place. She then pulled the drain out. It was not comfortable, but ok. I took this opportunity to look down at my incision. It was still covered with a dressing, but looked alright. 
     
     It was/ is difficult to say how it looked. It is hard to determine how I felt as well. I think this is because I still have not looked at my incision face on. I looked down on it and it does not seem like I was looking at my own chest, but someone else's. 

     So, another appointment was set up so that I could return again to hopefully have another drain removed. I was left with 2 now... So, still now showers, only sponge baths. Boo. 

     Wednesday April 6 came. My oncology appointment. We met with Dr Filix. He reviewed my pathology report from my latest surgery. Thank you Jesus!!!! The cancer was confined to my left breast and to the 3 lymph nodes that were associated with my left breast. The other lymph nodes were cancer free and the right breast was cancer free! Thank you Jesus! What a relief. Dr Filix, in talking with us told me we did the right thing by having both breasts removed. Dr Filix told me his plan for chemo to start on me in the next 3-5 weeks. I would start out with the red devil and another medication. I will go every other week for 4 treatments. They can be given every 14 - 21 days, but he is going to do every 14 days with me. He is also going to give me Neulasta in the self injecting module.  This is to help my white blood cell count not drop to dangerous levels. He feels I will do well and told me to keep my positive attitude. I will do better with a positive attitude. He is such a great doctor. I just love him. He told me this first round of chemo will be the worst. It will hit hard but will only be four treatments. He said when I am done with this, I will have weekly chemo for 12 weeks, but it will be easier on me than the first round. I will lose my hair. The worst side effect of the first one (besides hair loss) is nausea. He told me to take my nausea medicine as ordered. He said the medication, lots of water, proper nutrition and a positive attitude and I will be ok. He set me up for chemo education and another appointment. 

     While trying to recover, I have rested. My sweet dog, Grace and my kitty Nymphadora have kept me company 

 They are so sweet and warm! and cuddly. I have also continued my school work. I am working towards my bachelors degree and trying to keep up on that as well. I think I am in week 5 of a 7 week course. Then I will take summer off and start again in the fall. My intention is to graduate in December 2016. 

     While I lost one drain, I still have 2. I am to see the nurses again and hopefully get at least one more removed. Pain is easing up on the lymph node area and the burning is off and on still. I am still tired and have nausea off and on and appetite waxes and wanes. The women of my church, First Christian Church, are incredible! They have brought us food daily. They are so good to us. I have had some visitors. All in all. I'm doing ok.... God is here.... Life is good. 

Melt Down at Kohl's

     So, things are moving along as they should.... I had surgery on Tuesday March 29, came home from the hospital on Wednesday March 30, resting at home like I was told. I thought I was doing ok. Not aloud to take a shower or anything, only sponge bathe. So... Just resting trying to wash my face daily at least. My hair... ugh, felt awful. Brad did help me to take a sponge bath Thursday night and wash my hair in the sink. He even shaved my arm pits for me, although the left one was quite difficult. 

 

 

     Rebekah's maid of honor, Faryn was hosting a bridal shower for her at college for her college friends on Sunday. It was my intention to go. I needed some clothes to wear... I mean, clothes that my stupid drains would fit under and may not show as obviously that I have no breasts. Those stupid drains.... They are just irritating and the reason that I cannot shower. 

So Brad and Rebekah had some errands to run, and I got to go! I rode along in the car. When they went in stores, they cracked the windows for me (ha ha). After a lot of questioning, I asked if we could go to Kohl's, maybe I could get a couple shirts. Larger than my normal size, and button down so that I could get in them. Off to Kohl's. They had me ride in a wheelchair. That was interesting, Kohl's is not necessarily handicap accessible. Very tight quarters. I picked out a couple shirts, and a skirt. Rebekah helped me in the dressing room to try them on. 

      I digress for a moment. I needed help because I was still tired from surgery and the pain and burning in my left arm pit area was a LOT. I could not lift my arm all the way and certain movements not only caused pain, but would cause the area in front and behind my shoulder to burn terribly (nerve pain). So, getting dressed daily or trying on clothes or putting on deodorant was not something I could do on my own. I required a lot of assistance. 

     So, off to the dressing room we go. I tried on a couple shirts. A couple skirts. Rebekah left me to see if her dad had found anything else he thought I ought to try. While she was out, I sat there and looked in the mirror. From the neck up, it was me. From the neck down, it was a stranger. There was this person who had my face, but no chest to speak of. No breasts just bandages. She looked swollen and (to me) fat in the arms and thighs. Not me.

But as I took in the reflection, it was indeed me. The current me. No breasts. No cleavage. Swollen. Puffy. Me. I started crying. Not immediate boo hooing. But crying. I was sad. They were really gone. This really happened. It hurt. It hurt a lot. Rebekah came back and hugged me and tried to talk to me. I just cried. Finally, we left the dressing room and I told Brad I just wanted to go home. Poor Brad. He has had to deal with my ups and downs and all that stuff. I just love him. We checked out and headed home. He and Rebekah took care of me. 

     Saturday night I took a tylenol pm and slept quite well. The best I had in awhile. I missed church on Sunday, but got rest. Brad helped me that afternoon to take another sponge bath and wash my hair. Sadly right before that, one of my drains popped open and emptied itself all over my clothes. This happened twice that weekend. Yuk. He helped with that too. Then he took me to Wright State for Rebekah's shower. 

     It was nice to get out. Rebekah and a couple of her bridesmaids as well as her future mother-in-law took care of me. Got me food and kept me comfy. Rebekah received some nice gifts and had a great time. I went home and was pooped. 

     All in all, it was not an unexpected event to melt down in Kohl's. Although the location was not one I would have preferred. I would have liked to have had my meltdown in a private location. But, it's ok. It happened and we will continue to work through these little things and keep going. God has continued to hold me and work with me. He loves me and provided me a wonderful family and wonderful husband to support me and help me. 

Painting of Rebekah in her bridal gown. Painted by Sara Espich. 

Post Op again - Bilateral Matectomy

     
     So I had my second surgery in 2 weeks. I had my breasts removed on March 29, 2016 at 7am. That sentence is hard to say. I had my breasts removed. My husband pointed out to me that this was all being done to save my life. I understand that and I am in agreement with that. However, it hurts. It hurts a lot. So, In this update of my blog, I will just talk about what happened after surgery and where I am today. Some photos, but not many. 

     So I was woken up by a very nice post op nurse. She kindly told me my surgery was over. I reached up and felt my chest area. It was real and it really happened. My breasts were gone. I waited my whole life to get those. I really did like them and I liked having cleavage. I know that is vain. And selfish. And narcissistic. But it is how I felt. Plus, on the humorous side, they made my belly look smaller. So, I felt my chest and just laid there. Brad came back to see me and smiled at me and said "Hi beautiful". I started crying... Not like crying crying, but tears just started coming out of my eyes and I couldn't stop them. He asked what was wrong. I shook my head no. He asked if I was in pain. I shook my head no. He asked if I was nauseous. I shook my head no. He said well what's wrong baby? I shook my head no. The tears just kept coming. He finally said "Are you sad?" I nodded my head yes and more tears came out. I was sad. Very sad. 

     I started out 2016 much like every other year. Nothing special. I had my physician fax an order for a mammogram. 3 days before the mammogram, we found a lump. On February 1, I had a diagnostic mammogram (not routine) and an ultrasound and found out I had 2 suspicious lumps. On February 3 I had biopsies done of these lumps. On February 5 my doctor called and wanted me to come in. On February 8 I was told I had breast cancer. By the time I had surgery on March 14, I had experienced multiple tests, physician appointments and soul searching to decide what to do and had a lumpectomy that turned out to not be successful and by the end of March (March 29) I had my lymph nodes removed and both my breasts. Wow.... the first quarter of the year and my life is so far from where it used to be. 

     So, after surgery, I was moved to my room. I had to stay overnight in the hospital. My husband, daughter and best friend came up. I slept off and on. 

Rebekah's fiancee Andrew came by. My dear friend Jennifer came to see me. I dozed and slept. It seemed when no one was there and I would start to sleep, my vital signs were needed. They needed to check my drains. No rest for the weary. That evening, my son Cody came up to see me. He works night shift. Brad went downstairs to watch his boys while he visited with me. Finally, it was time for both kids to leave and perhaps I would get some rest. One could hope! But as a RN, I know patients do not get any rest in the hospital. I ate dinner, well some dinner. I really didn't want to eat. Brad DID bring me a Frozen Chai. mmmm I LOVE Chai tea. A Frozen Chai is just FABULOUS! No whip cream... just the Chai.... It raised my blood sugar quite a bit, but mmmmmm..... 

      That night, Brad stayed at the hospital with me. I slept off and on. Of course, every couple hours, they were in to assess me, check my vital signs, I had to use the restroom, they had to stop my IV so that they could draw my labs (they said they couldn't use my port during this time, I don't know why), come draw my labs, restart my IV, vital signs. What a night. 

     After morning vitals and another restroom break, I sat in a chair. Of course, I would start to doze off, in came breakfast. In came vital sign check. Check the drains. Social Work. Hospital pharmacist came in to discuss my meds. Head nurse to ask about my stay and the staff. Then Dr Daniels came in. She discharged me. We were headed home. 

     Now I am home. I have been home since Wednesday March 30. How do I feel? Well, sore. However, I am not sore where you think. I am sore at the front edge and back edge of my arm pit. Actually the pain is a terrible burning. If I can get in the right position I do not feel it. It burns so bad at times that it takes my breath. It's horrible. I am doing my exercises to release the tension and prevent scar tissue build up and lymph-edema. However, it hurts. It hurts like a mother! Brad has sponge bathed me. No showers yet. Deodorant on the left side is a challenge because I can't lift my arm much. I am trying to nap. Trying to sleep. I am needing to take benedryl to sleep. The pain comes and goes. I have pain in my left elbow as well. My chest and where my breasts were don't hurt at all. The area where I used to have breasts and above it is actually numb. It feels like your face would feel after you have been to the dentist. It's weird. I read somewhere that that feeling may never go away. My right side hurts near the armpit as well, but not as much as the left. Just new experiences. You have no idea what you use your arm for until you try to and it burns. I am hoping the exercises help it and that time helps it as well. 

     I have love and support. I know I'm going to be ok. It's just going to take time. I am alive. Jesus loves me. My husband loves me. My children love me. I have friends that love me.