another week of chemo

Each week is different... You never know what it's going to hold. But that is true for life in general. 

This past week, I came home from chemo on Friday and slept... then slept all night (after 2 ativan and a sleeping pill). I got up Saturday and had Cody push me in the wheelchair at the farmer's market. We got corn and spaghetti squash and some cheese. Then he pushed me over to the Culture Fest and pushed me around there. The boys loved it. Plus it wore them out. Brad had to work. We came home and, again, I took a nap. When Sunday hit... YIKES! I woke up feeling eh.... went to church. Left church and then lunch. I was nauseous most of the morning and Brad offered to take me home instead of to lunch with the family. I went with the family. Ate a grilled cheese... then home and to bed. Slept most of the day, got up for dinner and basically back to bed. I woke up nauseous this morning, but not as bad as yesterday. Some may say, maybe you had a virus... I don't think so, I think it was the chemo. 

Yesterday I was very emotional too. Very emotional. I spoke with someone at church that had a double mastectomy a week or two ago. She is doing ok. I'm glad. She and I talked again about radiation. She has already had her chemo, she had chemo first and THEN surgery. I had surgery and then chemo. Anyway.... none of her lymph nodes had cancer in them at the time of surgery. Prior to chemo, they felt 100% that at least one of her lymph nodes had cancer it in. The chemo and the Lord apparently removed it. However, when she went to the oncologist this past week, she had thought that because no cancer in the lymph nodes, no radiation. He told her there is a new study out that shows it may be beneficial to do radiation anyway. So she is going to an appointment with the radiation oncologist. I told her my concerns and that I see the oncologist on October 3 and am going to discuss them with him. 

At first my oncologist looked at my chart and said you will need radiation because you had a lumpectomy. Then looked further and said oh wait, you had double mastectomy, you do not need radiation. Well, no one has brought up that 2 of my lymph nodes had small cancerous tumors and 1 had greater than 200 cells of cancer in it and that a lymph vessel in my breast had a cancerous tumor in it. So, I am bringing it up. Brad asks why bring it up? Do you WANT radiation? No, I don't want it. I am afraid of it. But - what if I should have and I don't speak up so I don't get it and that could be the difference in me having a recurrence or not? Brad says I just don't think you need it. I don't like that they go back and forth. And now there's a new study? I think I get where Brad is coming from. My gut says he is saying all this because he doesn't want me to go through all this. He tells me all the time that he is sorry I have to go thru this. He wishes he could take it from me. So, I think that is where he is coming from, he doesn't want me to have to endure more. I really don't want to either, but I also don't want the fear hanging over me that I didn't do everything I possibly could! I'm scared. Point blank. I'm scared. I don't want this to ever come back. So, while radiation does not look appealing to me, if they think it's a good idea, I want it. So, October 3, I'm asking... I want more definitive answers. 

At this point, my chemo won't be over until November. Ugh... but it's ok.... Rebekah and my cousin Barbara are my usual companions for chemo. I took myself once and Brad came as soon as I got my numbers. He didn't want me there alone and really has concern on how I will be afterwards due to the benedryl. Sometimes I am still sleepy. 

I was thinking the other day. Sometimes this whole thing just seems surreal to me. Like, do I really have cancer? Is this really happening to me? It should seem real... I mean, I've had my breasts taken off. I've lost all my hair (and it's coming back). I go to the cancer center so stinkin much, I mean once a week or more! I'm not working, I'm not getting paid. But, do I feel like I have cancer? No... But what does it feel like to have cancer? I have no idea. 

Here's what I know... for over a year, I have felt like crap. I now know it was because I had cancer and didn't know it. However, is that what cancer feels like? I don't know. I just know I have felt tired and exhausted for over a year. Of course, that has gotten worse since I started chemo. I seriously still can't believe that this is real. I really have cancer. My grandmother had cancer. Breast cancer. She had a recurrence and it went to her bones. (another reason, I want to make sure it is gone!). This all seems like a very surreal experience and I still can't believe it is happening. 

I am scared. I shouldn't be, because I have the Lord. But I'm also human. I'm scared. I'm scared that I get to the end of my treatment and then what? It's not like I can have a mammogram to see if it has come back. I have no boobs! How do I know? Let me say, I am NOT afraid to die. I look forward to death as it means a release from my earthly troubles and will live with Jesus. However, I am afraid of going thru all this again. I want it done and over with in one shot. However, I do understand that if God allows me to go thru it again, I must accept it and do the best I can. This whole thing just overwhelms me. Its been so much to digest and accept. I mean, I was living my life and then it was turned upside down and inside out. I had to make life altering decisions in moments and that still continues. I have to hope and pray that even though they have reduced my dosage due to my low white blood cell counts, that it's still good enough to kill off any stray cancer cells. Saturday starts Breast Cancer Awareness month. I'm a part of that now because I have breast cancer and am considered a survivor. It's bizarre. It's a place I never thought I would be and still can't believe I'm there. I'm trying to get used to wearing my prosthetic breasts out places. Sometimes I feel ok with nothing, other times, I want my breasts. I still miss my real breasts, even though they were trying to kill me. I don't know... So much... 

In other news, finished my first class this semester. Two more til my bachelor's degree! WOOO! I have applied to graduate. Ordered my cap and gown. The thought makes me nauseous. I have to make it through this course (which I think I'll be ok) and then my senior project/ preceptorship. I have a great preceptor, Jennifer Bloom-Long, RN MSN ANP. I think my project is good. I just pray to do well so I don't have to repeat and I graduate on time. 

Also hoping that my bedroom gets switched around this week. I asked for it to be done by the end of the month... They are trying. God love them. They try. Brad works so hard, all week at work and then here at home. I see the tiredness and exhaustion in his face and eyes. I also see worry there. I love him. I pray for him and that he holds up thru this. 

My friend Debbie is going thru a tough time right now. Her husband has been admitted to hospice for his lymphoma. It has progressed severely now and they have said it is a matter of time. She has fought this battle with him for a few years now. I can't imagine what she is going thru. It has got to be incredibly difficult. Please pray for her. 

Thanks, as always, for listening. My love and peace to you. 

<3

New York City

So.... we made it to New York City. Brad had quite the fun time.... He pushed me all over Manhattan in wheelchair. He stated the next morning that his back hurt. Hmmmmm If I was pushing someone that weighed (insert your own guess here) all over Manhattan, my back would hurt too. 

Rebekah went to her audition... It was a Broadway audition and she made it past the first cut! Was so happy!!! She was then was cut in the next round, but the only kept 6 people after that, so ... She was so excited and happy and we were so proud of her! 

We spent the night, got up the next morning and we were going to run into Manhattan and then head home. We went to the Donut Plant. Oh my.... those are the best donuts. They are ranked nationally. Interestingly... The Donut Plant store is on W 23rd St. It is on 23rd St between 7th and 8th. Well, later that day, a bomb exploded on W 23rd St between 6th and 7th. So, right where we were, a bomb exploded. I'm sure you heard about it. That bomb was connected to 3 others... They have arrested someone. Possibly part of a sleeper cell. Hooray! (Insert sarcasm here). 

We ate lunch at Carnegie Deli and had pastrami. Oh my.... I love New York pastrami. We also got some Juniors cheesecake to take home... well, to eat in the car on the way home. haha. It was quite delicious. Seriously, New York City has some of my most favorite foods and most delicious foods. 

So... we are headed home. Things are going like they should. We pulled off to get gas, pulled in the gas station, thought it would be like a truck stop. So, we pulled in and then we pulled out. Took like 5 minutes. This is important. So, we keep on moving down the highway... West on I -80. We did stop for gas again, got gas... moved on. Stopped again at a real truck stop, used the facilities and grabbed some McDonald's. Then back onto I-80 West. Doing great.... gonna make it home before 1:30am. We hit a rain storm... made it through that... We are looking good... We are about 12 miles from the Pennsylvania/ Ohio border... Then STOP... Everything stopped. All traffic stopped...  What the heck? Couldn't see anything. Sat there for a while and I pointed out, have you seen any traffic coming at us on I-80 Eastbound? No.... uh-oh. Brad looked it up on his phone. Two semi's hydroplaned on I-80 East and came across the median. Then a semi heading westbound hit one of the trailers that wrecked and spread everything in that trailer all over the highway... Not really sure how long we sat there. Brad says around 4 hours or so. So we eventually made it home. We rolled in around 6:30am. Wow! We came in, put on our jammies and went to bed. 

We were so thankful for God's interventions in our life. God protected us from the NYC bombing. God protected us by having us pull off the highway for 5 minutes therefore protecting us from being in a serious accident. 

So, there is my quick New York trip. Brad said it was the first real person thing I have done in, oh I don't know.... FORVER! 

We came home to Frisch's pumpkin pie.... mmmmm..... 

Of course, traveling does not always agree with me. Sometimes I get constipated. Almost always, I retain water. Then throw in the crap food I ate. Including the pastrami, oh man... So, I've been retaining water pretty good.... Today I woke up with my face swollen. I have been trying to push fluids, maybe not as good as I should, but today I pushed and pushed. I am hoping tomorrow is a better day fluid wise. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking, but my train of thought has been lost. When I get my thoughts together, will update for real. 

Have a great day! love and peace... 

thoughts on cancer

So, I've been thinking... well, not just that past few days, but like since February 8th... 

I think about what cancer means to me... what has cancer done to me... what do I think about my life now... what does life mean to me now.... what does my family mean to me.... what do friends mean to me.... what does Jesus mean to me.... what does work mean to me.... so much.... 

So.... not sure if everyone is like this, but my mind doesn't stop... it just goes and goes and goes.... it runs all the time. My husband, Brad says my mind is a dangerous place because it doesn't stop and it thinks ALL THE TIME... I hate to say I agree, but I agree... my mind just goes and goes and goes... 

So.... when I was diagnosed with breast cancer (February 8, 2016), we were at my primary physician's office. She didn't mince words. Didn't fiddle fart around. She came in to my little room, sat down, opened my chart up and said "So, we got your biopsy results back and you have breast cancer." Those are words you don't forget. It's a day you don't forget. A lot of people will say that after their doctor said the words "you have cancer" they didn't hear anything else. I remember everything. At least I feel like I do. My husband may have a different story. I asked her how bad. How much information she had. She said they complete biopsy report wasn't back, but she would double check. She also told me she had set me up an appointment with a surgeon for 2 days from then. She left the room to check for a more detailed biopsy report. Brad paced the room. He cried. He was so devastated. I just calmly told him, it would be ok. It's going to be ok. Before we left that day, my physician prayed with us. I smiled and we left. It was funny when we checked out because the receptionist was ready to help us, but looked down and saw Breast Cancer as the reason for my visit and sort of rushed us out. She was uncomfortable. We came home and both are kids were there waiting to hear... I told them I have cancer. Brad said repeatedly, I think we caught it early. They were both devastated. I was freakishly calm. 

A million and one things have happened since then... I had a ton of tests completed. Including finding out that my breast cancer was positive for being a genetic tendency or issue. It simply happened. My paternal grandmother had breast cancer. I don't know what kind though. I am going to discuss it with my oncologist at my next appointment. My breast cancer is positive for estrogen and progesterone. Meaning it is hormonaly driven. 

Then on March 14, 2016 I had a lumpectomy. It was thought, at that time, it would take care of my cancer. On March 23, 2016 I went for my first post op appointment. My surgeon's first words were "We need to talk". During my first surgery, she performed a sentinel node biopsy (meaning she took out the breast lymph nodes and had them examined by a pathologist for cancer). They do a very quick look because the patient is under anesthetic. They initially did not see any cancer in my lymph nodes. They also saw on my mammogram and ultrasound of my breast, 2 cancerous tumors. By the time I had this surgery, there were FOUR cancerous tumors. Well, we had to talk because upon further review, all three of the breast lymph nodes had cancer cells (2 had tumors) and there was a cancerous tumor in the lymph vessel in my breast. Also, the lump that was removed had FOUR tumors in it, not TWO (as I just mentioned). She told me she HAD to take my left breast and all the lymph nodes on that side. It was now my decision, do I want her to take the right breast too? I had 5 minutes to decide. I had to decide right now because she wanted me in surgery ASAP. As a matter of fact, if an OR was open the next day, I was going to surgery. I decided bilateral mastectomy. Take them both. It just made sense to me. We left and I was mad and hurt and scared. I cried and I cussed. I was just so upset! I thought things were handled... I was ok and was going to go back to work in a couple weeks... now, here I was preparing for a second surgery in 2 weeks time! My cancer was worse than expected and dang! I'm going to lose my breasts! 

May 3, 2016 I started chemotherapy. We thought it went ok, despite that during my chemo, the right side of my face went numb. I was going to return to work on May 9, 2016. Half time, but return none the less. On May 9, 2016 the bottom fell out. I couldn't hardly walk, hold my head up. I was puking, short of breath, so terribly weak. Brad came flying home from work and took me to the ER. They found nothing except breast cancer. My white cells were 1.5. After seeing my doctor the next day, he wrote me off work. 

So, here I am... in my second round of chemotherapy. My hair fell out during the first round. It is trying to return. It's somewhat there... about an 1/8 of an inch long. fuzzy like a peach. and gray... my hair is gray.... gray gray gray (or maybe grey!). 

I think about things all the time... what would I be doing if I didn't have cancer? I would be working every day. I would be getting paid. I would likely also be complaining that I was working every day. Ha! But, I would feel like I had a purpose. Right now I don't feel like I have a purpose. Sometimes I feel like I do, but mostly, I don't feel like I have one. I just exist. My grandsons love me and like to play with me. I made it thru my daughters wedding, which was a purpose I had. I am also 2 classes away from my Bachelors in Nursing. But is that much of a purpose? I don't know. I don't contribute to anything. The cat and dog think I have a purpose... that would be to feed them and love on them when they want it. The dog used to want love all the time, but she's almost 13. She would rather nap and be loved on when she wants it. The cat, well, cats are their own beings. So..... a lot of days, I feel like I don't have a purpose. I think of things to do and things that I could do, but with no energy level most of the time, the things I think of that I could do, I usually can't do because no energy. Oddly, it extends to funny things, like reading. If I have not read the book before, the energy required to read something new is amazing. My brain cannot focus on what I'm ready for very long and it becomes difficult to do. So.... I question my purpose.... my purpose now and my future purpose. 

When you hear the words you have cancer, most people think they have been given a death sentence. I didn't feel that way... but it is a death sentence. It's a death sentence to your previous way of life. Your entire thought process dies because it is a life altering event and you rethink everything! 

I really don't think this breast cancer is going to kill me. At least not now. But there are times when I have wished it would. I get sad and think about the state of the world and what is going on and I see sadness and death everywhere. It makes me sad. I also hate going thru chemotherapy. I don't recommend it to anyone! The first round was awful. Brad said I had a look in my eyes like I wanted to die. He has said it is gone now. But this round is hard in a whole new way! I never know if I will have energy when I wake up. I have weak weak legs most of the time. I have myalgias (pain) everywhere! Mostly in my legs, but also my arm. I feel like I am living in a limbo... alternate existance. I'm just .... here.... I also know that if I did die, I would go live with Jesus. However, I don't think I'm dying.... at least not now.... I'm just existing... 

What does life mean now? I'm not sure.... Life is precious. Life is fragile. But those are very trite, common things to say. I believe that, but it's still trite. However, I now think that life should be enjoyed and savored. I'm not sure if I have done that before. I really would like to do that now. Well, after all my treatment, I want to try to enjoy life more. I want to live it, not exist it.  

My family.... man... there are family members that have done some things for me that have been so unexpected and appreciated. I've had family give us money to help us along during this time, gift cards, take me to chemo, bring us meals, pray for me, pray for us. They have shown me love in word and deed. I have have had a great gift from my family. My family has shown me they love me and not everyone gets that. Most importantly during this time, my husband has sacrificed so much. He has given up time away from his job. He sold his truck to help our financial situation. He has sat with me at chemotherapy. Held my hand the many many times I have cried or had breakdowns. He took care of wedding issues (prior to our daughter's wedding). He takes care of the grand kids when I don't feel good. He loves me in so many ways. In word and in deed, he loves me. More than I truly deserve. But he loves me. 

Friends. I have had friends tell me and show me they love me. They have taken me to doctor's appointments, taken me to chemo, brought meals, gift cards, money, pray for me, pray for us. They have also shown me love in word and in deed. 

There have been people in my life that I have (I confess) been disappointed in. People whom I thought were closer to me, closer to us but have backed away when I was diagnosed with cancer. Of course, that happens. I'm sure I have done that as well. Now, well, now I feel guilty. 

I now feel guilty for so many things. Things that have happened in my life. I feel guilty for my brother. I feel guilty for things I have said and done.... Things from my entire life. I am an easily guilted person. I hate that my brother had to go to a nursing home. I hate that I became overloaded with a job I had. I hate that I didn't like a job I had but kept it up because I didn't know where else to go. I feel guilty for all those things. I feel guilty for not working. I feel guilty for having cancer. I feel guilty that because of cancer, I cannot do a lot. My mind thinks I can do so much more than I can and I feel guilty about that. I hate that I have pain in my limbs and that it slows me down. I feel guilty about that. I also hate that there are days when I have to put on a front for people or as Brad says, I have to be "on". It's like, when I go out or someone comes to see me or calls, I have to be "on". I have to be up and act like things are ok and going well. Even when things are not so great. Things may be crappy, but I have to say I'm doing ok. I'm alright. Life is good.... 

What does Jesus mean to me? Well, thru all of this, if I didn't have Jesus, I don't know how I would make it. He has pulled me thru, pushed me thru, walked hand in hand with me. It all depends on what is going on at the moment for me to say what He is doing on what is going on. Without Him, I would not be able to make it thru one day of this. He maintains me. 

I also hope that Jesus does this for everyone. If you don't know Him, I would like to introduce you. 

Ok.... that is all for now.... rambling for the moment completed.... 

Love and peace to all.... <3 

Just pluggin along...

So.... Here we are... I'm still pluggin along... nothing really exciting to report. 

Last week had chemo on Friday. Friday was good. After chemo was over went to a restaurant I had not been to before, Guerra's Krazy Tacos. It was quite delicious! Very fresh and different. They were not like going to taco bell! The tacos were authentic and yum-o! Then Saturday came.... 

Wow... slept til 10:30 and then stayed in bed all day. By all day, I mean I got out of bed to use the restroom and that was it! I was back in bed. I was so tired and sore... I could not get out of bed. Sunday came, I managed to get out of bed in the morning, I went to church. I always do my best to go to church. I feel like, God has been with me thru all of this, I need to be with his body of believers on Sunday. But, Sunday afternoon, when we got home... NAP TIME! Again, I was sore and tired.... 

Yesterday (Monday), I was mostly just laying around... then I realized we were nearly out of toilet paper and a couple other things. So, I went to Wal Mart. I really try to go to the store if I can to pick up the small things. I really want to be a help. Basically because I feel like I'm not much of a help.... 

I digress... I went to Wal Mart. Cody and the boys came too. We parked in the handicap area (thank you Lord for the handicap parking pass!) Cody and the boys went walking in... I was like a turtle trying to get in the store! My legs felt like they were jelly! So, Cody insisted that I use the electric cart. Those things are a hoot! I managed to hit only a couple things this time! 

Today, my legs are still jelly like and hurt. Of course, tired too. This round of chemo is very different. but it's a different medicine, so there ya go. I laugh because my hair is trying to grow back. It has slowed down... but my eyebrows were starting to come back, but they reversed. They are leaving again and so are my eyelashes. What a hoot. So, I have to make sure I use an eyebrow pencil (which is something I NEVER thought I would need) and use mascara. 

Last week, I found out that because my long term disability was denied (due to a pre-existing condition, yes, they are counting my breast cancer as a pre-existing condition) even though my leave of absence is an approved leave of absence, because I am not getting long term disability, my health benefits are being cut off from my employer. It is a business decision. The good thing in this is that I do NOT have my medical with them. It is with Brad and his employer! However, I will now lose my vision and dental insurance as well as my life insurance. It was disappointing, but it's ok. It's ok because God has this. God made sure that I didn't have my medical with my employer but with Brad's. So, thank the Lord my medical insurance will continue! 

This week I go to chemo on Thursday. Rebekah is going to an audition in New York City. The audition is on Friday. She and Brad are going and they wanted me to come too. So, I'm gonna go. We are leaving Thursday night around 10:30 and coming home on Saturday. I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it in NYC. How am I going to make it around the city? I'm so weak and my muscles hurt. But they want me to come. All I know for sure is that I'm getting Juniors cheesecake, pastrami and I'm going to the Donut Plant.... yummmmmmmmmmmm

School keeps on going... Week 4 of my first course... this time next week, I will be finishing up that class! Each course is only 5 weeks long. I started out rough in this course. I started out with a C+ which, believe it or not is NOT passing! You have to have a B- to pass these classes. I started out rough because I misread the instructions (because, um chemo brain!) so that sucked! But I have turned it around and now have an A-. I really want to hold that grade! I would LOVE to graduate with honors. I am praying that I can make it through this and the next two courses ok. Assuming I do, I graduate on December 10. Oh man.... I will be so relieved and happy. 

My oldest grandson, Jaxson is playing soccer. He plays on Thursday nights. Its funny because it's just 4 and 5 year olds. They have a 20 minute practice and then they play a 20 minute game. The goals of this league are number one, have fun! They are basically trying to teach them not to use their hands and what out of bounds is. The other obvious concepts are to listen and work together as a team. They play with only 6 players on the field at a time. The fields are so little. It's cute. I need to take a chair this week. 

The other excitement this week is my son-in-law has asked me to come speak to his English class. He is a TA at Wright State. He is going for his Masters degree and part of that is he is a teacher as well. He teaches freshman level English courses. His class has to interview someone about their job. He asked me to come so they could interview me. I'm not going to use my current job. I don't feel I've really been there enough recently (I've been gone for 6 months!) so I'm going to use my previous job as a hospice nurse. The other good thing about going down to Wright State is that I get to go to Chik-Fil-A !!!! Yum-O! 

So that's all for this week. 

As always, Love and Peace.... 

September is here....

Well, September is here... I've done 3 doses of Taxol. The side effects of it so far are tiredness and myalgias. Myalgias being pains in my muscles... I also have pains in my joints. Mostly in my legs. I've been trying to describe them. It's like I have been hit in places and have really tender bruises in these spots. However, no bruise exists. All up and down my lower legs, the inside of my thighs, my hips, my knee and my ankles. Sometimes by the end of the day, it's hard to get up. But it's also hard to lay or sit. I've decided that some tylenol or tylenol pm is good at bed time because it takes away the pain so I can go to sleep. I also have sleeping pills to take, but I need something for the pain. It's not unbearable, but it hurts. It's an inconvenience. Just like cancer. An inconvenience. 

I saw my oncologist last week. At first he said he was going to refer me to the radiation oncologist, then he looked at my chart further and said no. You had a lumpectomy then had a mastectomy. You do not need radiation. I still do not feel 100% secure in that. My chart shows the lumpectomy first. I told Brad (and he not thrilled about this) that I am going to remind him that I had cancer in my lymph nodes. It was only in the breast lymph nodes and those are gone, but it was there. I don't know if that makes a difference or not. I want to make sure though! For some reason, my brain remembers that if it was in my lymph nodes, that I would need radiation. I don't want radiation. I would love to keep from it! However, I also don't want cancer again. I don't want to go thru this. Brad asked me why I want to push my luck! He said Dr Filix is going to think I want radiation. I just shrugged. I said, I don't want radiation, but I want to make sure that nothing is missed! I love Dr Filix and trust him implicitly, however, he IS human! He also has a lot of patients, not just me! So, its ok, I think to tell him, hey... I had cancer in my lymph nodes.... that's why I had to have the double mastectomy after the lumpectomy. So, when I go for chemo this week, I'm going to talk to the nurses and just see what they say and ask if I should call the nurse navigator line or if they can run interference for me or what. Anyway.... chemo again Friday if my blood count is ok... :) 

My hair is growing back... I think it is gray with some dark...   I have always colored my hair... since forever! I don't know if I will now.... I think I will wait and see what it looks like and leave it be. Let it be gray or whatever.... wear it as a badge of honor! Of course, unless it looks bad on me! LOL.... 

What else is happening? School.... school is happening... It moves quick. I am three classes away from getting my bachelors in nursing. The classes are 5 weeks long. The final class is my preceptor course. To say I'm anxious is putting it mildly. Of course, I'm also in the middle of finishing my continuing education credits to keep my CRRN (Certified Rehabilitation Registered Nurse). That is due by the end of this month! ARRRGGG It's a lot, but since I'm not working you would THINK all this would be cake. But not so much. My mind gets distracted during the day. Also this round of chemo makes me feel like I'm in limbo... I'm just here. So that makes it hard. 

Still battling my blood sugars. The family doc put me on insulin, but I'm calling in every 3 or 4 days with my blood sugars and she calls back to tell me to increase the insulin. I'm going nutty nuts... It doesn't seem to matter what I eat or do, they just go up! 

Rebekah is done with her show in Cincinnati (the musical Chicago). She is talking about going to New York for an audition. She wants me to come with her. I can't go with her. What am I going to do? Walk about 20 feet in NYC, sit down and rest. Then get up and walk another 20 feet or so... How am I going to get on the subway with all those stairs to go up and down? It would take me forever to go up and down those stairs. I told Brad to go with her. It makes me sad, but I don't know how I could do it. All I ask is for some pastrami and maybe some juniors cheesecake. mmmmm 

Jaxson started preschool today. Little bugger. He was so excited! 
He cracks me up. He has been talking about it for a few weeks. He keeps saying, "Oma, me going to big school!" So, today he got to go to big school. Thursday he starts soccer. That will be fun... I remember when my kids played at that age. They mostly just ran around in big clumps chasing the ball. I think this soccer league only lasts for like 6 weeks. Its only on  Thursdays. 

Well, that is all for today.... gonna go get my blood tester and call the doctor.... then wait for the return call to tell me to increase my insulin by 2 units. 

Love and peace....