Weekend Away

So..... while we are waiting to hear results of my BRCA/ DNA test.... Brad felt like I needed to get away and that the TWO of us needed to spend sometime alone. Great idea! It was much needed and enjoyable.... Throw in that the wonderful people I work with gave us a gift card to LaRosa's pizza (my favorite) and to Red Lobster (mmmmm).... that made it even more awesome! 

So on Friday night, off we went... All the way to Beavercreek (which if you don't know, is like 25 minutes away).... We stayed at a Residence Inn by Marriott. Brad picked the "romantic" package.... so, the Marriott provided us with champagne glasses, a bottle of champage and chocolate covered strawberries...
mmmm and our bed looked like this.... It was really cool....
We were able to relax and enjoy after we went for pizza. Then on Saturday morning, we slept until 8:30.... wow! For the first time in over a year, there were no little people climbing on us or asking for breakfast... (our grandsons live with us) Then after breakfast, morning devotions and a nap! It was great.... Then lunch and we went to Wright State University and walked in the woods there (the Biology Land Lab). It was so cool and quiet and unique.... A relaxing walk and time alone with God and each other. We saw a lot of deer prints but found no antlers. We saw raccoon prints and while staring intently at some prints that we were attempting to discern, we heard rustling and noises coming quickly from behind. We were quite taken back and a bit afraid. However, it was a dog. Not a wild dog, it had a collar on and it's owner was not far behind. Whew! But it was quite a scare for a minute...    
So, back to the hotel.... rest and relax.... off to dinner and back to the room.... champagne and strawberries.... early bedtime for the old tired people.... Up late this morning, breakfast and packed up. We went to Sam's Club, Once Upon a Child and then Kroger Marketplace. A final stop at Young's Dairy on the way home and finally home again... our Grace missed us and it's nice to be home, but the weekend was WONDERFUL... Time away and it felt like FOREVER! That was good.... I am so thankful for my husband. Hopefully tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest, we will have test results and then will know what type of surgery we are looking at.... Lumpectomy or Double Mastectomy. I think those are the only options... I just want this done. I want to move further down this path... every move down the path is closer to the end. Plus, we have the wedding coming up. It's only a few months away and when you look at surgery then waiting for chemo to start.... it will go quickly. God gave me a great scripture this morning

 " For He will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with His feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day. Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday." Pslam 91: 3-6 

Please do not misunderstand that I am taking this scripture to mean that God will completely protect me from any deadly disease. I understand that I have cancer. I also believe that God still heals people today. However, if He were to heal me, just God Himself heal me, my lump would disappear and I would need nothing further at this time. I also believe that God can and does use people here on earth to heal us.... He gave these people abilities to understand medicine and how to use it and they are physicians. They can help to cure us with God's guidance. I also believe that God sometimes chooses to take us Home to Heaven to heal us.  For me, I believe that God will use physicians on earth to heal me. I will be healed, but I will have to fight for it. This is how I believe God will protect me from my deadly disease. He will use others to protect me. Oh how great He is that He would grant me this chance to see those on earth be His hands and feet. 

Hopefully by the end of this week, I will have a surgery date and know what kind of surgery I'm headed into. Have a blessed week. Love each other.... it goes quickly. 

More Testing.... and some results!

So..... Thursday last week (February 18, 2016) I leave work for my "long lunch" to get my bone density test done (dexa scan). I go to the imaging center, I wait for my turn.... go back... fill out a questionnaire... then I wait some more.... then a radiology tech comes over.... reads my questionnaire. She says "When did you have a nuclear medicine test?" "Yesterday". "Yesterday?" "Yes, I had a bone scan." She rolls her eyes and says "those scheduling people know better! We can't do your bone density today. It will give us false readings! They tell you what to wear, but not anything else. I'm sorry." "It's not your fault." "oh I'm still sorry, you can call central scheduling and set up a different appointment." I think to myself, you mean those people that set up THIS one? I ask "Can I just set one up while I'm here?" "I think so..." So, I walk up to the front and I AM able to set up a new appointment. So I go back NEXT Thursday for the bone density test... I am going in the morning before work.... I am just shaking my head.... 

Also last Thursday, Brad decides that he is fed up.... (I love this man)... Neither he nor myself have heard from the genetics testing people.... I have no test scheduled or appointment scheduled with the genetics counselor. He does not want me to wait. He has called the genetics people and gotten voicemails 2 days in a row. He also has been told it has to go thru Children's hospital. So, he calls the genetics department at Children's. First he is asked if he is accustomed to making appointments for his wife. They do not understand they are only making him fight harder... (again, I love this man). He explains a couple times that my oncologist wants this test completed and that the results of this test determine whether or not I have a lumpectomy or a double mastectomy. He says my oncologist wants this test completed because I am under 50 and have an aggressive, invasive breast cancer. He finally gets thru to them! (Go BRAD!) The person I am SUPPOSED to see is out of office until sometime next week... He says, "We don't have time to wait". Miraculously, they get me in at 9am Friday February 19. Yes, the next day! Well, Braden Espich does not let the grass grow... He calls our insurance because Children's told him our insurance may require prior auth before the test can be run.... 

So Friday, I go to work for a little over an hour and then Brad meets me at Childrens. Let me say.... I have had very little experience there... We took Rebekah there as a 2 year old for heart testing that turned out to be an overzealous pediatrician.... We took Cody to the ER there once because we thought he broke his arm... Then our grandson Jaxson was in there this fall with pneumonia.... Thank you God that this has been our experience there... We sat in the waiting area at the genetics department. Children come in who are blind... in wheelchairs with little upper body movement.... all kinds of things....  Thank you Lord..... 

Anyway.... the genetics counselor meets with us. Decides I'm at low risk. The genetics physician meets with us. Talks to us... asks if we have considered a second opinion or if we are going with what we have been told.... Then they tell us, it's up to us if we want the test run... That our insurance may pay 80%, they may not, but the one lab they want to use that can get the results back in 10 days will only make us pay maybe $800 if our insurance doesn't cover. My eyes bug out... Brad says, run it. Her doctor wants it done. Her surgery depends on this test... do it. I look at him. "I don't care Sara. We need to know." They also told us that there are three possible answers on this test.... One is no variances and no changes in the DNA... that means that you are negative for the BRCA gene (or the Angelia Jolie test).... It can come back with multiple changes and such which indicate you are positive for the BRCA gene.... Then, it can come back in-between. Which is some variances and some changes... Which if there was nothing going on, they would just watch you and maybe do mammograms every 6 months or so... However, when there is SOMETHING going on (like in my case), you have to make a decision... 

They take us down to the lab... and let me say, I know that sometimes it can be hard to draw blood on people. I am a registered nurse and I have done home health care and hospice care and I have drawn labs on lots of people. I would think that at a Children's Hospital, drawing blood on an adult would like cake.... apparently I am wrong... The lab tech tried the back of my hand (because my left antecubital space ((elbow)) looks rough).... well, she dug and dug and then my vein blew.... I am 3 days out and my hand STILL hurts... She finally got my right antecubital space... drew the blood and it was in a syringe, not a vacutainer... Personally, I am concerned... I hope that this DNA test can be in a syringe and I am personally worried about coagulation.... But, hey... I never have drawn blood for this test, so.... maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.... 

Now we wait.... we wait for results.... at least 10 days... They are going to call Brad with the results... So, we'll see.... 

That afternoon, I'm back at work... my CELL PHONE rings.... I answer, because hey... I have had a lot of tests recently.... This girl tells me her name and says Dr "N" wanted her to call because the stress test I had done at the hospital the other day came back abnormal and... "What? I'm sorry... stress test? I didn't have a stress test?" "You didn't?" "No..." "Well what kind of tests did you have done?" "I had imaging done.... " "Oh.... maybe I have the wrong person.... let me call the doctor and find out for sure." "Are MY tests ok? " "Oh, I don't know, probably... I have to call the doctor." So she hangs up... I sit there panicked... I wait... I call her back... I ask about my tests and the previous phone call. She says, "Oh I got the wrong number, the wrong Sara. She (the other Sara) had a stress test at the hospital and it was abnormal and she needs a cardiac cath right away" I'm sorry... WHAT?!?!?!?! In what world is that acceptable to tell a stranger? I call the hospital and ask for the HIPAA compliance officer. Of course I get a voicemail. I left a pretty snarky rude voicemail... but hey....someone I don't know just called my cell phone and told me I need a cardiac cath and then says it's a DIFFERENT SARA! WHAT?!?!?! Whatever...... 
I think call my surgeon's office... I tell them what happened... They are appalled.... just like me... but, my wonderful surgeon's office looks up my test results.... My echocardiogram was normal. Normal normal normal... My CT scan was good, no evidence of metastasis... a small cyst on my liver, but nothing to even think about.... Chest X-ray clear... lungs clear, no atelectasis (collapsed lung) and no nodules.... bone scan shows no signs of metastasis however, it indicates that I have "degenerative changes" in my knees.... (arthritis). I laugh.. I said "yeah... I thought so... I looked at the scan briefly while they were doing it and my knees were lit up like the fourth of July."... So, cancer not anywhere else... I have arthritis in my knees (which most days I feel it) and I'm breathing well... 

Today (Monday February 22)... Brad gets a call from the original genetics lady... He said she was nice and concerned. I get a call from a lab... Not sure what test they were running... Don't know if it was the blood test or one from the biopsy tissue. My doctor talked about that too.... She was talking so fast and I was not sure... They needed my permission to move forward and do the test. They have spoken to my insurance and while they cover the test, they will only pay if my deductible has been met. I just laugh... Of course, there is all kinds of help out there for cancer patients (I am told) and she tells me that they have financial help available if I need it....  Brad ALSO calls our insurance company and asks if they have made a decision on paying for the test.... they don't know. He said, "I will call again tomorrow." I love this man! 

In the mean time/ inbetween time... one of my test results came back, the CA27.29... it was 16.6  From what I can grasp (and remember, I was NEVER a cancer nurse)... this test tells where your cancer is and if it is spreading... No, it is not spreading according to this... and this coincides with my imaging tests.... so yippee for me! Only cancer in the breast and if it is in the lymph nodes, it is only microscopic.... 

Praise GOD! While this is stinky and #cancersucks But so far it is likely only in my breast.... if I could only find out if I have the Cancer gene and what type of surgery I am going to have..... another day.... one day at a time.... :) God is good..... 

Weekend 2/20 - 2/21

So..... I have more testing things to blog, but am just going for a small thing today..... Yesterday we sort of hung out.... Rebekah practiced her dance at church and we went to a Phil Joel concert at church.... awesome.... out to dinner afterwards with the future in-laws. Talked to my new friend Sally. She eased my mind about the "port" needed for chemo. Hers was placed when she had her mastectomy. She was just diagnosed in December and has recently had her surgery. She starts chemo on Thursday.... ugh...

Today (Sunday) we went to church. Phil Joel helped lead worship and Rebekah danced.... She was so beautiful.... I love watching her dance.... She is awesome.... So beautiful.... She doesn't have a job yet, but I know God has a job for her .... Andrew (her fiancee) applied to grad school this weekend and maybe he will be doing that in the fall..... 

Today we also went to a wedding garage sale of sorts. It was ok... not great... paid to get in.... BUT we did find these lights that we wanted for "backlighting" at the reception. WOOO HOOO.... and we got a bunch of floating candles for the reception. We went to Jo Ann fabric to look for material for my wedding clothes and off to craft stores for other things... I think we accomplished a lot. Brad also got me ice cream... :)  

Rebekah is heading back to church to dance at the evening service.... then she has to go back to school..... she is there for one week and then on Spring Break... actually I'm on Spring Break next week too.... She however, gets to go to Florida and to Universal Studios and specifically there, Harry Potter World! So jealous.... Brad says we are going away this weekend... he keeps saying we are going to Florida... oh ok.... no! I said, we can go to a State Park.... we are in disagreement.... We'll see..... Cody has to work all next weekend.... So, no kids here.... we shall see.... 

I will miss Rebekah while she is gone.... I always do..... Brad is going to keep working hard... he says we are getting new carpet too.... He's a mess..... 

Oh, funny thing... he was going thru my phone and said "Is this a photo of your breast?" I said, "Yes... I put it on my blog..." He said "I'm not reading your blog, I'm living it!" He cracks me up 

Tests......

So on Wednesday February 17, 2016, I went to the hospital for (as they put it) a "marathon of tests".... Brad and Rebekah and my friend Tammy said I don't need to go to any of these appointments alone... Brad needs to pick his times to miss work, Rebekah really needs to stay at school... but Tammy said, I have days to burn... I will be there... So after working for a couple hours, off to the hospital I go... Tammy met me there.... Let me say, this was quite a day.... the tests not so bad.... the entertainment.... AWESOME! 

I am getting registered and Tammy is sitting in a row of chairs behind me.... I offer for her to come sit with me. At first she declines... but then a man sat near her and started coughing his lungs out... She moved up to me... So I'm registered and we are laughing because of comments made to me this week.... Including "they think you have cancer like that? you have bad cancer?" um..... yes.....  Of to the waiting area

I am called back. I ask if my sister should come... "no, you'll be right back".... ok... So, they start an IV and inject me with radioactive material that has to be in my system for 3-4 hours before they can do the test.... But by the time that is done, CT is ready for me.... So off to CAT scan.... They inform me I will be getting IV contrast with this... and (wait for it).... for about 30 seconds, the contrast will make me feel warm, give me a metal taste in my mouth and make me feel like I am peeing my pants, but I won't be.... ok..... 
So, Ms Espich, what are we doing today? "a CT of my abdomen and pelvis" "Oh, ok, are you having any pain and where at?" "No, no pain.... I have breast cancer and they are checking for metastasis. " "Oh...." followed by silence.... 

So, CT without contrast (of my abdomen and pelvis). eh lay on the table in and out of the machine... Now she says she is starting the contrast thru my IV... ok... "are you feeling warm yet?" "yes... and um, I do have that feeling like I'm going to the bathroom" "I promise you, Ms Espich, you are not".... I think to myself... ok, but if I get up and this sheet is wet, you're in trouble! But thankfully, it was not wet and I did not pee myself... (Whew!)  So, from there I go to X-ray... get a chest x-ray.... The move me from there to the cardiology area so that I can have an echocardiogram.... "Ok, Ms Espich. What's your date of birth?" "4-22-69". "Who is your cardiologist?" "Oh I don't have one..." "Were you have chest pain?" "Oh no, I have breast cancer and it's in my left breast. They need to make sure my heart is strong enough to handle chemotherapy and for radiation especially since my cancer is just above my heart." "oh....." (followed by silence).   So... There I lay watching and listening... Then I hear what sounds like Ken-TUH-kee, Ken-TUH-kee.... I said, "Um, am I hearing like an S3 heart sound, a gallop?" "oh, no" she says... "we are right on top of the valves... you are hearing valve sounds... that's normal" Whew! I think... I was scared for a moment... I thought OH MY GOSH! First CANCER now a heart problem!!! But no.... So, I finish that and they take me back out front... I am released to my "sister". They tell me I have about 2 hours before they can do the bone scan.... 

So, Tammy and I head out... we are going to Panera Bread. Delicious lunch, fun times..... laugh and laugh.... We head back to the hospital. I leave some of my things in her car and the plan is she will just take me to my car when I'm done. 

Back in the hospital.... waiting... waiting.... I never knew so many people in Springfield wore so much Camo! I also never realized that wearing your pajamas in the middle of the day was not only occurring at Wal Mart! It happens EVERYWHERE!!! And the pajamas look so nice when the bottoms of them are FILTHY and covered with dirt and mud and drag the ground.... and is it ok to wear Christmas pajamas in February? Isn't that like a white after labor day rule? Apparently not...  At least not in my town. We also had the privilege of watching a man dressed in business type clothes walk across the lobby and put BOTH HANDS down his pants and ADJUST HIMSELF! There are just no words.... finally I get called back (Oh thank you!)..... Tammy (my "sister") has to wait.... They explain the bone scan to me and THESE people understand it is to check for metastasis. They tell me when they start the camera will cover my head for at least 5 minutes and then slowly move down my body. They will check my body from head to toe for bone mets. So, they move the camera down to me... the camera is like less than an inch from my face. I shut my eyes and start singing in my head. I feel like I wait long enough, open my eyes. Nope camera still over my head. Close the eyes. Keep singing. Finally it's off my head... When I get to a point I can look over, I glance at the screen. My spine looks cool. Then I see my knees. Lit up like the fourth of July. Wow. They told me this may pick up arthritis. YIKES! I'm thinking my knees have arthritis. So much so that I mention it to the tech. She responds with, "well, it happens to all of us. " OUCH! 

So back out to the waiting area to see my sister. We go in the gift shop. There is a book called "An Elf guide to coping with cancer". o.... k...... we laugh and laugh and laugh... but, she needs to go and I have a hair appointment... Out to the parking lot... She is going to drive me to my car..... on the way, we see a car pulling out with (no lie) a kid, about 9 - 12 years old laying on the hood, hanging on to it and looking in the drivers side of the windshield. WHAT?! The car is backing up... Then it stops and the kid and the driver look at us... LOOK AT US!  Um, Hello?! We are not the people hanging on the hood of a car or driving with someone on our hood! Then the car starts to pull forward and drive a bit with THE KID STILL HANGING ON THE HOOD!!! I said, "You know they have security cameras throughout this parking lot." "She said yes, they are probably just staring" "and saying, Look Bob, the Johnsons are back again!" We laughed and laughed..... 

Off to get my hair done. I have to explain, surgery coming, don't know what abilities I will have with my arms post surgery. Will likely start chemo a month or so afterwards at minimum will do radiation. My dear friend, Jennifer met me there to bring me a prayer blanket and a GORGEOUS Vera Bradley breast cancer scarf. She is a Nurse Practitioner and the prayer blanket was made by another NP's church. Both are gorgeous!  Will post pics later... Hair cut and styled.... It feels good and will be easy. 

 The day ends and I rest in bed.... waiting for the next step.... 

The oncologist ...

So, Monday February 15th comes.... We are still early on in this... but we see the oncologist today. A little anxious today but we'll see how it goes.... 

So, off to work.... trying to focus on what I'm doing, but in the back and front of my head, I keep thinking, I see an oncologist today. Wow... Well, again, God is so much in the details. My co-workers are so stinkin awesome. I left my desk to do something.... I return and this is what I see... 

 

They left beautiful red tulips on my desk with that sign... I loved it! I laughed and smiled and said, Thank you Lord for people who love me and support me.... 

That afternoon, phone call from my dad... man, he is struggling with this. He asks if I can come over that night after work to fill his pill box. I tell him I have to go to the oncologist tonight. "Oh, well, I can't make sense of these pills and this pill box." "Well, Dad, I have to go to the oncologist. I don't know what is going to be said or how I'm going to feel. I can't promise." 
Please know, I love my father. I really do.... but my mother spoiled him. Spoiled him a LOT. So, sometimes he has trouble seeing past himself... Especially when he doesn't think that I have cancer. 

Before I left work that day, I had another surprise... 2 other co-workers left this at my desk.... 

My co-workers/ work family know me! Sing out loud.... that's actually funny... You see, I wake up singing. I sing all day. I wake up and every day I have a song when I get up. Never know what it is going to be... could be a hymn, could be a praise song, a current pop hit, older pop song.... whatever.... So, I start out singing... then we have Muzak playing all day at work... I sing along... All day... country, pop, contemporary.... whatever... I'm singing and dancing all day.... Sadly, I also sing along with my iPod... at the grocery, the gym, wherever... Yes, I know you can't hear the music and only I can... whatever... I love to sing I'm going to sing... :) 

So we go to the oncologist. Man that is weird... Weird to say and weird to do. We are called back and meet Dr Filix. He is cute. Like just seems sweet and kind and "cute"... He is very animated and talks to both Brad and I. My gosh, he explains things SO well. Goes into detail about everything with us.... the big things he keeps bringing up are my age and the Ki67 number. I'm 46, almost 47... which it doesn't matter, I'm under 50. This is not normal for women under 50 he says.... While everything else looks promising, the Ki67 is high.... He explains that the "low" score for that is below 18.... Moderate risk is 18 - 32.... Above 32 is not good... Mine was 50 and even the pathology report says beside my number, "Unfavorable". He says that this number represents the aggressiveness of MY cancer. that it is aggressive and a faster spreading cancer. (Which could explain why I have 2 tumors). So, he wants me to have a BRCA test to see if I have the breast cancer gene, or as he says most people call it, the Angelia Jolie test. If that comes back positive, we are no longer looking at lumpectomy, we are looking at double mastectomy. Also, he wants to run a test on the tissue taken from the biopsy (if there is enough, if not we have to wait til surgery). If THAT test comes back high, then maybe lumpectomy, maybe mastectomy, maybe double mastecomy BUT.... if either comes back high/ positive... we are looking at chemotherapy. UGH! NO! So, he explains what type of chemo... that the FIRST round will be every other week for (I think he said) 6 or 8 weeks.... Then after that, the NEXT round will be EVERY week for 12 weeks. So, again, I bring up that our daughter is getting married. When? June 18. He says that chemo would start 4 - 6 weeks after surgery. I could do the first round and then take a break for the wedding.... then start the 2nd round. Then after chemo, I would do radiation. After the chemo, I would also start on hormones because MY cancer is hormone driven by estrogen and progesterone both. He explains to us the two types of hormones that are used. One is used if you are pre-menopausal.The other if you are POST menopausal. The first one has the risk of uterine cancer. Well, that's ok because I have no uterus. I had a partial hysterectomy in 2010... So, no cervix, no uterus... only partial fallopian tubes and my ovaries are left. The second one has the risk of osteoporosis. Also, he explains, I will be on these hormones for at least 10 years to keep this from coming back. 
He explains that since the cancer is on my LEFT side, it is close to my heart. There is a risk that some radiation could hit my heart... I could get "sprayed" from the radiation on my heart. He explains that the radiation oncologist would protect my heart. But there is still risk involved. So, he really wants to see what shape my heart is in.... not only for radiation, but for chemo too.... So, another test ordered... I now need an echocardiogram. 
Since one of the hormones could cause osteoporosis, we need a baseline of what my bones are like... I need a bone density exam too.... 
So, now we are looking at more blood work, the BRCA test, other testing on the remaining tissue and an echo and bone density. I had no idea all the detail going into this.... 
We finally are done with him, and feel like we were punched in the gut again... the treatment is not so clear cut. We need more clarity to determine the best treatment for me... 
More labs are drawn at his office.... Especially one that will check my hormone levels.... Then I sit in the scheduler's office. She is calling to get my echo scheduled. I asked, since I am already scheduled for a CT scan, bone scan and chest xray on Wednesday, can we get the echo done then too so I don't have to make any extra trips? She says it makes sense to her... she will do what she can... The bone density is done at a different location.... 
Well, she says, a miracle occurred... I am having the echo the same day as the other tests.... the bone density is Thursday... Whew! That helps.... Since I already am spending most of the day at the hospital Wednesday anyhow.... Then on my lunch Thursday, I get to get a test done... Woooooo! 

After we come home.... we are upset again.... things are so different from last week.... but this is the ONCOLOGIST.... this is his job... he knows cancer and how to treat it.... It's discouraging but.... this may be my new path.... 

I'm more upset now about my hair.... I had been upset about losing my breasts, now it's my hair.... I don't want to be bald.... Plus, my daughter is getting married.... I don't want to be bald for her wedding.... 

We are exhausted.... but after a healthy dinner, we go to the gym.... Brad has read that cancer likes oxygen... If you continue to be aerobic, it gets oxygen to your tumors.... if oxygen reaches your tumors, then they stay the same size... if oxygen DOESN'T get to your tumors, the tumor grows and reaches out to get more oxygen... Plus, I need to lift weights to get my arms built up since after surgery I will not have as much movement immediately and need to build up.... 

The night ends with Brad holding me and rubbing my back lightly and praying together.... Another day.... God is good. and I am loved..... 

The First Week

So..... On February 8, a Monday.... Brad and I leave work early, meet at home and go to my family doc. They call me back... the nurse had a look on her face. A different look... She didn't say much. My blood pressure was up that day... 150/70... Pretty high for me... She said, "Ok, she'll be right in."... My family doc is a physician's assistant... Danielle came in, sat down and said simply, "well, we got your biopsy results back and I'm sorry, but you have cancer." I said "Well, I figured when you wanted me to come in." My husband, he is so sweet.... He just kept rubbing my back and shoulders.... She told me she didn't know much, they were waiting for the final results to come back. She stepped out to see if they were in. My husband cried. I told him over and over, It's going to be ok. Danielle came back. She said the final results were not in, but they would hopefully be in by Wednesday, as she had already set me up and appointment with a surgeon that she felt I would like a lot. My appointment was for 3pm, Wednesday. "Ok.... Is there anything I can do for you? Anything our office can do for you?" "No", I said... "can't think of anything." "Can I pray with you?" "Oh PLEASE!" She took our hands and prayed over me. Words cannot express what that meant. To have my doctor look to the great healer ... I hugged her... out we went.... At reception, the secretary looked at my diagnosis, and sort of rushed us out... I guess we made her uncomfortable. 

In the car to come home. Brad just cried. I was numb, I suppose. We got home, he cried some more, but we had to go in the house.... We came in... both kids were here... We sat down and paused... then I simply said "I have breast cancer". Silence... Then our daughter cried. And cried. Our son, didn't say much. After we let the emotion go in the room... we started talking. Saying I can beat this. We think it's early. My lymph nodes were ok... white blood cells were normal... I can beat this... I have an appointment Wednesday with the surgeon.... I have to tell family.... your dad is going to go tell my dad tonight.... blah blah blah..... I don't remember everything.... just that it happened.... Cody had to do somethings and took the boys..... Brad had told him that I was not going to be able to be all that I had been and hopefully their mother would be able to help out more. Rebekah had to go back to school and start tech week for her senior dance concert. 

So, Brad left to go tell my father. My mom had passed away in 1996 from complications of diabetes. Apparently Brad thought he got thru to my dad. He talked to him for over 40 minutes. Told Dad's wife as well. Came home.... took me to bed and held me and prayed. 

Tuesday, you would think would be hard... it was.... I told my extended family, but we really didn't grow up extended... We grew up like brothers and sister. My brother passed away in 2012, so I really rely on my cousins.... Brad had called one cousin after telling my dad and tried to reach another.... I just texted them all.... told them.... one by one, responses from them of love and prayer and support and encouragement. The worst part, my dad called me the next day at work. Asked how I was and if I had a plan. I told him my initial thought was to have a double mastectomy. He asked why, especially since it was benign. I said, Dad, I have cancer. "Well, you can't be sure. Your mom had those lumps, but they were fatty tumors" "Dad, I have cancer" "How can you be sure? Brad said it was benign" "No, Dad, it's not. I have cancer. They did a biopsy.... I have cancer." "Well, damn. damn damn damn"....  I had to tell my boss that day and told all my co-workers. Everyone was supportive. 

Wednesday, left work early to see the surgeon. Loved her. 
While we were there I told her that my breast had felt sore lately, since I was told of the diagnosis... Is this in my head or maybe from the biopsy? It could be either she says. When I changed so that she could examine me, Brad looks at my breast. He was stunned. He said, "Um, I think we know why you are sore!" The doctor agreed. It was primarily from the biopsy. Here's a quick peek at what it looked like. 

We were there for 2 hours. She did an exam and explained all my options. At this point, with my biopsy results and exam, she felt I was likely at a stage II A. I had two tumors, one size 1.6cm and one size 0.7cm. Combine the two and that increases the stage. But they are close together. One at 11 o'clock and one at 11:30. Which is good she says. She tells me I can have a mastectomy or a lumpectomy. Lumpectomy I will have to do radiation. Mastectomy I won't. She can't guarantee I will or won't have to do chemo. That will be up to the oncologist. Mastectomy, I can have reconstruction... it will take 6 months.... "um, our daughter is getting married in June." "Oh we can have you in surgery and done with radiation by then". We felt encouraged. I cried and cried and cried that night. It was relief and some sadness. Told the kids, told the family. Of course, Dr Daniels was referring me to have some tests to be sure the cancer had not spread.... I need a CT scan of the abdomen and pelvis, bone scan and chest xray. They will refer to oncologist. 
My best friend says that if Brad cannot go with me for tests, she will go. I want to argue that I'm fine and go by myself.... that is not going to be heard.... Brad, Tammy (my best friend) and Rebekah all say, you are not going alone... 

Thursday, Dr Daniels office calls.... I am having my tests the next week on Wednesday, fast for 4 hours prior.... I will have to have dye injected and then wait 3 or 4 hours then have bone scan. But I can eat in between CT scan and bone scan. No appointment with oncologist yet. I let Brad know about the tests.... he asks if I would be upset if Tammy takes me for the tests or goes with me... no, that's fine... I text Tammy, she immediately says yes, before she knows if she even can get the day off work! But it's good... she's gonna go. Everyone is happy I'm not going alone... It's just tests.... but I guess it means they love me and are trying to support me. 
End of the day, no appointment with oncologist. Brad calls, left a message. 

Friday.... Dr Daniels office calls again... they have not heard from oncologist office, but say to give it til Monday then call them. I felt the Lord pushing me... so I called them then... They said they had not gotten to it yet, but could do it now... she gets back on the phone "Sara, you won't believe this, but we have an opening Monday. Can you come at 2:30?" Um YES! 
So, after work, home to finish my homework (yes, I'm a college student too! Finishing my bachelors degree). I had to finish my class..... got that done... off to bed! I locked myself in my room.... Didn't want the grandbabies to interrupt needed the quiet.  

So another long weekend.... to church on Sunday.... people have found out, which is good... more people to pray.... telling my story so far... love encouragement support.... Sermon talked about what happens when we die.... our life is examined... and things that we have done will possibly be jewels, gold, silver or straw, wood... Life our lives so that we make jewels and gold and silver, even through the hard times... After lunch, we came home... I put my jammies back on and took a nap... After my nap, finished homework for my other class (2 weeks left in there!).... watched some tv and just zoned out.... off to see the oncologist tomorrow... ugh! 

I cannot believe this is my life! I feel fine! How can I have cancer when I feel fine? I don't feel sick... I don't look sick... How can I have this illness that is trying to kill me? I don't understand.... 

The Beginning.

I wanted to start a blog about my personal breast cancer journey. The reason being, this is all new to me and I need a way to get my feelings and thoughts out. Plus, I want somewhere I can look back on this when I come thru the other side. 

So I am 46 years old. I am a Registered Nurse.  I was diagnosed officially with breast cancer on February 8, 2016. The journey leading to that day was FAST. On Friday January 29, my husband (Brad) and I were laying in bed. He reached over and felt my left breast and said immediately "Sara, what's that?" I said, "I don't know, a lump I guess." He was very upset. I said, "relax, my mammogram is scheduled for Monday... There's nothing we can do right now anyway, so I'll go Monday and get my money's worth, haha"
I deal with crisis a lot of times with humor and sarcasm. 

So Monday February 1 comes. I go to the imaging center and go back for my mammogram. They ask if I am having any problems with my breast. Casually, I say "Well, I found a lump this weekend." Whoa! That changes things, I'm told.... They need to call my doctor and see if they can get the order changed from a screening mammogram to a diagnostic. So, back to the waiting area, half naked with a cape over me and a robe around me. Waiting... Waiting... Finally they get the ok from my family doctor, which is actually a Physician's Assistant. She says ok.... So, I get a "diagnostic mammogram". This entails initially 2 pics of both breasts, then the left one gets like 4 or 5 other shots.... "and this one is the money shot, so we need your breast as compressed as possible". "Ok, Sara, I'm going to take these photos to the radiologist, she may want to do an ultrasound. Sit here in this room, you can move privacy." 
'
The tech returns, "Sara, we are going to do an ultrasound. They will come get you in a minute when they are done with the person they are with." So, half naked me, waits... finally into the ultrasound room. There, the tech lubes me up and looks at my breast.... "Did you say you found one lump?" yes...... "There's a smaller, second one." (ugh)...... "let me look at your lymph nodes too"... "those look good, nothing is jumping out at me." I notice the entire time, she is measuring and then running blood flow through the lumps.... As a nurse, I know this isn't good.... "Ok, Sara, I'm gonna show these to the radiologist. Just stay there, I'll be right back."

The tech and the radiologist come in. "So, we would like to do a biopsy on your lumps. It's just standard and I would want this done to anyone, myself, my best friend." Ok, when.... well, not today, they are booked. So... I have to schedule.... 

Fast forward to Wednesday... I leave work early and meet my husband at home. He takes me to the biopsy. Wow... what an adventure.... My breast is cleansed and sterilized... sterile ky jelly on my breast... a small area cleaned off again... Then the radiologist starts injecting my breast with lidocaine. I watched on the ultrasound monitor. I could see the needle going down in my breast, the lidocaine flowing in my breast. Then she asks if I can "feel this".... Yes, I feel something... "Do you feel pressure or pain?" Well, just pressure, I guess... "Well, good... I'm cutting you"... So she makes an incision and through that she starts retrieving tissue... She used a core needle and retrieved 3 samples from the "small" lump.... then she went for the big one... She retrieved 2, was not happy with one.... went for a third... that one I felt... OUCH! It was a grabbing pulling snatching feeling. I said "That one kind of hurt a little"... "Like a pinch?" yes.... "Oh, well we got a really good sample." Oh joy.... "so one more, ok?" Like I have a choice! I'm on my back, half naked.... I'm gonna say no? Finally, she goes back down in the breast to place "clips" in the lumps... just in case they are benign, then on future mammograms, they will know that THESE sites have been biopsied before.  So she finished up and one of the techs had the joy of standing there applying pressure to my breast to stop the bleeding. That was a fun 20 minutes... not awkward at all! Then when I finally quit bleeding, had antibiotic ointment applied and steri strips to close me up... I am ushered off to get another mammogram.... We need record of where the clips are. 

I was sent home with a couple ice packs for my breast... I rested and had to tell my precious grandsons I couldn't pick them up. I was restricted to lifting 5 pounds or less for a couple days.... I had been told my results should be to my doctor by Friday and they would fax me the results too. 

Thursday of that week.... I had prayed and prayed... "God, please give me a sign.... I need to know, is it cancer or is it not?" Not all times when I have prayed for a sign has God given me one.... But sometimes he has.... I said to God... "I need to see one of these words and that will tell me what this is... I need to see benign, malignant or cancer. If I see one of these words, I will know what my diagnosis is." I'm a nurse, so coming across these words on a daily basis is not going to be hard.... Well, oddly, I pull up MSN... The first three things I see are articles on cancer, breast cancer and cancer. I tell my husband about this.... I just listened... Until the next day.... He got an email on his phone from Runner's World. It started out like this "Aerobic exercise beneficial for breast cancer". He came home "you and your stupid signs.... guess what happened today?" Not the story I wanted to hear.... I mean, it happened to me, but then to him? UGH! 

So, Friday... I waited til around 9, then I called my doctor's office. I told them I had a breast biopsy done and was told the results could be sent to them today... if the results come in, could they call me? Before noon, my cell phone rang... It was Danielle's office (my PA). Her nurse said "Hi we got your preliminary biopsy results, can you come in so we can review them with you?" Sure... when? I was transferred to the receptionist, she scheduled me for Monday afternoon (I thought it through and decided I didn't want this information before I went to work, I would rather have it at the end of the day so I could process it some.). Then they call back... could I come in a little sooner because Danielle wanted me in for more than a 15 minute appointment. At the time they called, my friend (who is also my daughter's future mother-in-law) was sitting at my desk. I told her it doesn't look good. 
I called Brad.... he was quiet.... I asked, do we tell the kids? Yes, but tell them we don't know, but it doesn't look good..... He told our son... I told our daughter.... both were very upset.... Our son, Cody, didn't say much.... Our daughter, was upset and wanted to know when I was going to the doctor, she wanted to come home from college and be here to hear the news in person.... 

The weekend was so long.... my future son-in-law texted me encouraging things... my daughter was silent for the most part... mostly, friends let me be.... which was good... I was really trying to process and prepare myself... On Sunday, my husband told our minister so that he could pray prior to results... it was long and anxious.... Monday would come and be so slow.......