more rambling....

It's Wednesday ~ June 29th... I know this because of my phone and my computer..... Otherwise, I would have lost track of the day/ date. 

I'm still tired and still have that awful cough..... It takes me out.... The cough itself makes me tired... 

I see the oncologist tomorrow... I'm gonna talk to him about the cough.... just to make sure it's "normal".... I am also hoping we can get the next round of chemo set up. My guess I won't see him again until the end of July. I have my next chemo July 6th. Then the final red devil the week after that... I don't know if I get a week off between the Adriamycin and the Taxol or not.... Quite honestly, I'm ok if I don't get a week off. I just want to get thru this... I want it done.  On July 6th there is a band in the park "Hotel California".... they are a tribute band of the Eagles.... I LOVE the Eagles... Anytime this band comes to Springfield to perform, I have seen them. Of course, anytime they have come, they have come to the park where the entertainment is free. Anyway... on my ADD thought, I have chemo July 6th, I will be loaded up with steroids.... I will feel like crap and be very tired, but unable to rest due to the steroids.... so, I am hoping we can go to the park, even for a little bit to hear the band... 

Rebekah returned from her honeymoon on Sunday and we went to her in-laws home to watch them open gifts. They received some really nice things. I'm glad for them.... It will make starting out a little easier... Of course, right now, they are living with Andrew's family. Which is good for starting out because it will help them save money. 

I talk to Brad all the time.... about what to say to people. People will ask how I am.... I answer tired... because I am. Some days completely exhausted... other days just eh... tired... but if I do anything, forget it! I'm done for the day and it takes a day or two to recover. I really don't know what to say.... I'm doing ok, but tired.... no energy.... I get winded very easily.... I wear down easily.... It does not take much... and this cough certainly does not help! 

A dear friend, Tammy, took me out yesterday. We went to Young's Golden Jersey Inn for lunch and the drove over to the dairy store for ice cream. We sat and people watched for awhile.... came up with some good ideas for ourselves.... It was fun.... Plus it was really good to see someone other than my husband and kids and grandkids... It was great to see other people and have big people talk. I have hopes to do this again! 

Our neighbors brought us dinner this week.... that was super nice! And delicious! 

Rebekah is going to take me to the grocery tomorrow afternoon. I feel helpless because there is not much I can do.... but I thought, if she took me to the grocery, I could ride in the wheelchair and she could push the cart and help me get stuff..... granted this will likely wear me out, but it will help out. 

Well.... that's all for today.... more updates after the oncology appointment tomorrow! 

Happy Hump Day! 

Rambling ......

More randomness..... 

It's Saturday.... Brad is out working in the yard.... Jaxson is helping him. Cody worked last night.... Tucker is out for a nap.... I'm in the house.... 

This week has been odd.... I've been more nauseous this week than I have been in awhile... I HATE the cough I have. I realize that it is primarily from chemo... It is also from my Arthur heritage... and my allergies.... plus, it could always be worse... I could be vomiting. So, all in all... not bad.... I'm just tired.... and nauseous... ;) 

It's been odd not having Rebekah here. It's like getting used to her going to college all over again. Except this time, there is no coming home for breaks or weekends. It's a new learning sensation. 

I have done a lot of thinking about a lot of things. One, I am concerned about college this fall. I have one semester left and I will have my bachelors degree. I'm concerned. Why? Because I have to do a preceptor-ship AND I will be going thru chemo thru mid-October. Of course, this is a different kind of chemo than I have been going thru currently. So, I do not know how my body will react. I'm anxious about it. Self doubt has been a companion of mine since I was very young. 

I've been trying not to post my concerns on Facebook as much. People don't want to hear the same old song over and over. It's boring and whiny and yuk! 

I love my grand kids, I really do. But sometimes I wish Brad and I could just have some alone time. Like more than one or two nights. I miss that. I really miss that since I was diagnosed with cancer. 

Things never stop here. I mean they never stop. It is like a train going and you either catch the train or get drug behind it. Seriously... you are on this ride whether you like it or not... you can be on the ride or dragging behind it getting tossed and turned and beat up.... Sometimes I'm on the ride.... lately, a lot, I'm getting drug behind..... 

This next week is my week off from chemo... that's scary. The last couple times I've had a week off, I've not been so nice to get along with. I'm watching the signs this time and trying to stay on top of it. 

I've been off work for 4 months now. FOUR MONTHS!! I wonder a lot what it will be like when I finally get to go back. I wonder how many emails I have. I also wonder how many voicemails I have. Yes, I set my out of office.... I set it on my email and my voicemail, but people don't read those and people don't listen. I'm sure my voicemail is full and I'm sure I have thousands of emails. And I'm sure a lof of those want immediate answers. Probably some from April or May... I've been out since March.... People will be mad... Why didn't you answer me? I left you 5 voice mails? Well, probably because I've been fighting cancer! 

Some days this doesn't feel like a fight. Some days it definitively does. Most days it just feels like.... well, how do I describe it? I'm tired almost every day. Some days more tired than others. Some days I don't want to move. I just want to sit. But my mind.... My mind goes 100 mph... It thinks of things... 

It thinks of my job and my desk. Do I remember how to do my job? I'm sure my passwords have long expired. Do people from work think about me? They have gotten along for 4 months without me.... do they really need me? I'm not getting paid anymore. I used all my sick time. Brad says God will provide. I have seen Him provide in some awesome ways... but will He get tired of providing for me? Some women work thru chemo. Why can't I? I mean, I can't.... but why? Why does it affect me like it does? Why does it make me so tired and weak? Why is performing my normal daily activities (ADL's to us nurses) wear me out? Why does doing a load of laundry take me down? School would be good for me mentally, but will I physically be able to? I want to graduate, believe me! I want to graduate very badly. I see things around the house that need done, but I can't do them. So I think of those... My poor husband... I have tried to stop talking about it because he only works 60 - 70 hours a week then comes home to me. He doesn't need that crap. 

I've been thinking about my hair a lot lately... when it comes back, what will it be like? Everyone has an opinion about it. It may be curly. It may be gray. It may be poker straight. It may be coarse. Part of me really wants to see.... part of me does not at all. Part of me wonders why I don't wear a wig more often. I thought when I started this I would wear a wig all the time. Of course, I also thought I would be working. So.... I thought I would be going places........doing things.... 

Right now when I go places, its short drives or walks.... I'm not going to the grocery.... I basically don't go anywhere... When I do go, if it's going to be any kind of distance.... we take the wheelchair. I don't have the energy or strength to walk most places. If we go to Wal-Mart I'm in the chair. Any store.... We went to the park a week or so ago to a concert.... In the wheelchair.... It's embarrassing to a point. I'm 47 years old and have to go in a wheelchair to most places because I am so weak.... But you have cancer.... blah blah blah.... There are other people that have cancer that don't do this... But you're not them.... blah blah blah.... 

I keep thinking that I'm gonna feel better..... I will.... I know I will..... 

I look at the calendar and maybe that's bad.... It's not my friend.... I see that I have chemo until mid-October...  Then after that, radiation... that will last until sometime in December.... 

Oh, she's depressed, you're thinking. Yes. Yes I am.... I've been on antidepressants since 1996. I went to my doctor a couple weeks ago and she tweaked my meds.... It's cool.... It's expected, right? 

Well..... I'm off to see what all is going on...  :) I'm glad to be able to... 

I got Chemo!

Well, it was a Festivus Miracle today! My white cell count was back up! It was 6.2 My neutrafils/ ANC were increased dramatically too! The only thing that was low, but low normal was my RBC and hemoglobin and hematacrit. So I got chemo.... I can't believe it. 

Cody took me.... It was a good experience for him I think. He actually got to be a part of it.... 

I looked around, they have a breast cancer support group the first tuesday of the month. I'm gonna go next time. 

My thoughts are all disjointed tonight. I'm sad. It's a happy sad, but still... my daughter got married. I'm sad.... She's a grown woman now and her daddy and I are not the people she will run to first with good news or troubles anymore. She won't come home and spend the night anymore. She is out to start a life of her own. I know Brad is really struggling with it. I can't imagine. I've never seen a daddy and daughter like them. There have been times their relationship has made me jealous. As she has grown, she has become my best friend, besides Jesus and Brad. But as my dear friend Pat Lissey told me, this is how it is meant to be. We raise them and start letting them go from the moment they are born. If we raise them well, they are able to be independent people and go off on their own and lead successful lives. Her wedding was everything she could have hoped it to be.... with the exception that she doesn't come home. :( 

Brad is sound asleep. I took my meds, but my mind overtook tiredness tonight. I got thinking about Rebekah. Brad came home in a bad mood... Work was horrible. He had taken last Thursday, Friday and Monday off. Today was his first day back to work. It was terrible he said. He has 4000 tires coming in the next 3 days and has no place to stock them. His work environment is not the best. 

I reminded Brad that this coming weekend and the first couple days after are the days we need to watch. Those are the days I have flipped out and mentally broken down before. The first part of the days of the non-chemo week. So, I asked him to please tell me if the flip switches and my mental status starts to change. As much as I complain that cancer sucks, mental illness sucks.... then throw cancer and mental illness in a ring... NOT GOOD! They do not do well together... they fight and fight and what comes out is not good.... It is exhausting beyond belief... Tears like you would not believe. And then things that are said from these two demons. They fight and fight then they realize that working together they can accomplish more. When they start working together, all hell breaks loose. I mean it. So please pray for me during the weekend and the start of the week. 

Rebekah and Andrew come back from Florida on Sunday. I hope I get to see them. I miss her already. I'm sure the chemo has something to do with it because it plays with my emotions like nothing else. 

But in good news..... I only have to go 2 more times for Adriamycin/ the Red Devil.... after that I will start the next chemo round, Taxol. I hear it is much easier on you. So I go back July 6 and then the week after that.... I imagine, I will have a week off, but maybe not.. I don't know. Then I will start the next round. It will be weekly for 12 weeks. 

I'm anxious about the next round. Why does all this reduce me to tears? I don't know. I know God is with me~ He has proven it so much recently about how much He is with me and how He is going to get us thru this. I'm just honestly scared. 

Financially, I will say things are not perfect.... But Debra Heckler started a go fund me account for us. If you have given to that, thank you. If you wanted to give, but did not feel trusting of an internet sight and gave to us personally, thank you! I truly cannot say enough. I am out of sick time so we are relying on Brad's income. I generally bring in 2/3's of our family's income so having that taken away is scary. But God is providing thru the go fund me and I have not point blank asked, but if you feel God is leading you to donate, We appreciate it. We actually had someone send us a Kroger gift card! FABULOUS! Someone helped us the our hotel at the reception this past weekend! UNBELIEVABLE!!! The thing is, I am learning that people listen to the promptings of God and the Holy Spirit. I have done that in the past, but I do not feel I have done that enough. As I get thru this fight, as I go, I am trying to do more for people. When I am done, I want to do more for people. Overall, I want to make sure that I am listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit and the Lord. I used to be so good and faithful at doing that. There is a song by Michael W Smith, Missing Person.... "there was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain. Like a child he would believe without a reason. Without a trace he disappeared into the void and, I've been searching for that missing person." I think that is me right now.... 

This cancer.... This journey of being treated for cancer.... I have started searching for the little girl that tried to witness to any friends in her neighborhood that didn't go to church when she was 6 and 7 years old. Who felt the call of the holy spirit so deep when she was 8 that she went forward in the middle of the service, she couldn't wait for the altar call. When a friend wanted to go forward, this girl said it's a personal choice, you need to go meet Jesus on your own.... This girl took the song "I have decided to follow Jesus" very literally... She kept her faith.... she got lost somewhere, but came back..... then storms came.... winds shook her.... she was taken down to a pit of despair... but Jesus was always with her. She never doubted. When the storms passed, she and Jesus and her husband dried off. When she was in the pit, her husband brought her Jesus and together the three came out. She never lost sight of Jesus.... This cancer.... early on, this girl knew Jesus was there. the battle increased and more shots were fired. The shield of faith extinguished these shots.... The sword of the spirit attacked back... The helmet of salvation and the breastplate of righteousness held this girl up. She was blessed. She knew. The attacks and shots continued.... some shots were fiery. Some were dull with a slow spreading poison. Some were hard direct hits that caused dents in the armor. Some came and hit where there was no armor and the girl was knocked down. The the wind was knocked out of her. It became easier. The girl ended up in a pit... Now I am looking for her... She has become Michael W Smith's missing person. 

Sorry for bumming you out... Just a lot going on in my little brain. I promise. There are happy endings... I have had them, I can see them. There are just moments... and chemo days are horrible for them. Then the Monday following 2 chemo treatments are the worst... But God has shown me this. therefore, since he has shown me a way the enemy attacks, I am now more prepared to fight the enemy. And that little faith inside of me like a mustard seed will push back.. I am a fighter. I am a survivor and I am an overcomer! 

please see these overcomer's in Mandisa's video.... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8VoUYtx0kw

https://www.gofundme.com/27jv7dgb

chemo?

Well...... 

Here I am on chemo day.... wondering if I will have it.... I have had some thoughts, but will wait another hour and half to see if my thoughts are correct. I am still exausted from the wedding, bloated, holding water in my hands and belly. My weight is up, but that could also be because the last two days I have eaten like a bear that just came out of hibernation! I'm dizzy and lightheaded. The following is likely too much info, but I woke up Monday with a yeast infection. Cut myself yesterday and if you touch where I cut (on a flat part of skin) it will start bleeding again. I am coughing and yacking crap up like crazy. Overall I don't really feel good. 

My son worked last night and is off tonight so he is taking me to chemo. Brad is not. Brad had to miss some work for the wedding and there is so much going on that he really needs to be there. My cousin Barbara was going to take me, but since there is a chance I won't have chemo, I hate for her to drive 2 hours one way to go for like 5 minutes. 

Ok.... there's my whining for the moment... I'm off to brush my teeth and get ready to go..... :) 

Will update when I'm done either getting blood drawn or blood drawn and having chemo! 

The Wedding....

Well, we made it..... the wedding came, the wedding went, and we survived.... My daughter was gorgeous... the wedding was beautiful and she is now in Florida on her honeymoon with her new husband. They are enjoying Disney World... 

The week was tiring, but it was good. There were so many things.... Our fellowship minister, Joel Augustus performed the ceremony. He was incredible. They did the Unity Cross and the Lazzo Ceremony. They smiled and cried and danced back down the aisle to You Make My Dreams Come True by Daryl Hall and John Oates.  The reception was so much fun. We ate and they danced and danced. it was beautiful. She danced with her daddy and her new husband. Her husband, Andrew danced with his mama. It was wonderful. Everyone had a great time. There was one little hiccup.... my grandson, one of the flower boys, decided to cut his own hair that morning. He already had a buzz... he decided to make a strip down the middle. He got more of a buzz! 

Well... it all seemed and still seems surreal. It happened... I tried my best to be "in the moment"... but I felt like I was in a haze and it was over so quick. The ceremony lasted 30 - 40 minutes, yet it seemed like it was over so quick! I was back in the choir room getting ready and then getting masked up and didn't get to visit with people before hand. Then during the reception, I really couldn't dance. I walked to a couple tables but mostly sat. So, it was different than I anticipated. However, most importantly, I was there. I was there and I saw it all and watched my daughter marry her best friend. She was so so happy. Andrew hardly ever smiles, He smiled and smiled. These kids were so happy. I'm really happy for them. 

Then, add that his family is so sweet and kind and wonderful... I hope they are just as happy as us. I would like to just say, yes they are, but I don't want to put words in their mouths.... ;) 

Anyway.... It was great...... for a lot of photos.... go to facebook and search forbetterorhurst  :) 
But for the record.... here are some.....  The only photo we seemed to get of me was from the rehearsal... we didn't take any of me with my girl... :( The photographers did.... so that will be good. 

  

Alternate Time Line Part 2

More time has passed and I look at what has happened and again, how things would be different...... 

What has actually happened......

May 3rd - I had my first chemo treatment. I thought it went ok..... One odd thing happened, I received the adriamycin first (The Red Devil). It is pushed in your IV (thankfully I have a port so it won't damage my veins) but it takes about 20 - 30 minutes to push it in... It turns your urine red, you have to flush 2-3 times after using the toilet because you don't want it (even thought diluted) to splash up on anyone as it could damage their skin. They nurse even has to gown up and wear special gloves to administer it to me. Then they administer the cytoxan. Within five minutes of that med starting, the left side of my face goes numb. I thought it would go away. Finally after it does not, I tell the nurses. They check my vitals, they are ok.... One of the oncologists comes out to check on me.... tells me to take 2 benedryl when I get home to ward off any reaction. This is all new to me so I don't question. I do what I'm told! 

remainder of that week - feel tired and worn down. Friday is the worst day. Brad says I look yucky. Just rest and lay around

Saturday May 7 - Wake up feeling good! Walked to the stop sign and back. Sat in the yard for about an hour telling Brad what are weeds in the flower bed.

Sunday May 8 - Mothers Day. We eat at a local Mexican Restaurant. Tasted so good after eating mostly peanut butter sandwiches and applesauce. Took a nap. That night not so good.... I was scared about returning to work the next day. Then I started vomiting. Blow it off to nerves.... Go to bed.... Going back to work half days tomorrow. 

Monday May 9 - Get up to get ready for work. Took my shower using my shower chair. Got out of shower, couldn't breathe, felt so dizzy I couldn't see.... laid down on the bathroom floor.... panting trying to get myself together. I call for my daughter, Rebekah.... but then I start vomiting again. She helps me. I ask her to call her dad for guidance. He says, just call in to work today.... Rebekah calls my boss, tells her whats going on and that I'm actually laying on the bathroom floor. I'm so so dizzy and can't breathe. So.... Rebekah helps me to the couch.... lets me rest then helps me get some clothes on. It is AWFUL.... We call the doctor and ask about the nausea and the dizziness. They attempt to prescribe some other nausea meds but these will knock me out! I say no.... I'll be nauseous.... Rebekah calls the doc again and tries to describe my symptoms.... they are going to talk to the doctor..... She has also been fielding phone calls from her dad.... He calls me... realizes that talking is winding me and I can't stand, can't look at anything because just moving my eyes sends me into dizzy spells. He comes home from work.... He says this is it, we are going to the doctors office. He calls them once we are in the car... they say go to ER. They couldn't figure out what was wrong and told me to see my doc the next day... (there is a whole story with that ER visit, it was NOT a good visit). 

Tuesday May 10 - Brad has updated my boss, told her I will be out the rest of the week. We go see Dr Filix. The ER did not communicate things very well or somehow communication was messed up. The ER told us to go see him at 9:30 the next day. The front desk had NO IDEA I was coming. I have lost 10 pounds in a week. I have to go in to see him in a wheelchair. I'm so weak.... so dizzy..... so out of breath. We talk to Dr Filix. He apologizes because this has happened. He states you never know how someone will react to the chemo until they get it. I totally understand that. I do. He talks about different options on what to do..... almost all of them involve the cytoxan. I told him point blank. I do NOT want anymore cytoxan. No more. He asks again, I say no more. So, he offers to reduce the amount of the Red Devil by 10% and I will go one week and get half of that dose, then the next week and get half then take a week off and repeat. I said, that sounds good.... let's do it.... Why was I so against the cytoxan? Because of what happened. A women at church has been going thru this chemo. The first dose she had severe asthma attacks afterwards.... got it controlled.... The second dose, she ended up in the ER and had to have steriod injections and breathing treatments to stop it. They stopped her Cytoxan. I did not want to go back to the ER or have permanent damage to my face because of a nerve issue from this med.... 

May 14 - We go to Chicago for a bridal shower for Rebekah. My WBC count was very low in the ER 1.3. So I'm wearing a mask everywhere... I'm also riding in a wheelchair because I am still so weak. The shower goes well but afterwards I go back to the hotel to nap... I also notice I'm starting to lose my hair. We go back to Andrew's families house after my nap and enjoy a good time. 

The next week progesses with me resting a lot. 

Monday May 16 - I go and get fitted for my prosthetics and bras. I also notice my hair is falling out in chunks. So I wear a hat the rest of the day so that my hair isn't falling everywhere. When Brad gets home from work, I tell him it's time.... He buzzes my head....  

Wednesday May 18 - Well. That didn't last long. The buzz cut that is.... the small little buzzed hair is coming out EVERYWHERE and I now have bald patches on my head. Brad comes home that night he buzzes my hair as close as he can but realizes that's not what is needed. So at my request, he shaves my head so I don't have patches here and there. I'm bald. Completely bald. 

                                    

May 21 - Rebekah has a bridal shower here in town. I go, wear a wig and my fake boobs. It went well, but again, I am exausted. 

May 24 - chemo again, but trying the new dose of Adriamyacin only.... Only there about an hour... White cell count good... It went well. Came home, a little nauseous and can NOT sleep. To the point that I was up when Brad got up for work. I took some more ativan and laid down when he left for work at 6am. I last saw the clock at 6:33. I slept til 10 and then was up for the day.... ARRRGGGGG 

May 31 - chemo. WBC's still ok. get my adriamyacin. My chemo nurse that day says "so you had a reaction to the cytoxan?" I tell her what happened. She said yeah, with that kind of reaction you don't need it. I feel relieved about this! Up all night again after this.... finally fall asleep around 5:30, up at 8

June 1 - appt with Dr Filix. Tell him about the sleeplessness.... He tells me to increase the ativan and sleeping pill on chemo nights. 

Still not working... Dr Filix has written me off work until late August.... 

My sick pay is going to run out and our income will drop dramatically... I"m scared and nervous about this. I have said to Brad if the braces were paid off and the car were paid off, it would be ok.... Both of these should be paid off in august, but UGH! 

Week of June 6 - a dear friend started a Go Fund Me account for our family. How awesome. She set a goal of $3000 .... some people have donated but not near the goal yet. But everything helps! I am so thankful and grateful.... can be found at https://www.gofundme.com/27jv7dgb 

June 6 & 7 - I go off the deep end. I am mean and angry and cry at everything and yell and scream. I don't know why, but I pick everything apart. EVERYTHING. I have yelled at my kids and told them they don't do what I ask. I have yelled at my husband and complained to him about everything under the sun. I was so mean. I honestly don't remember all of it. He asks me to call my doctor the next day. 

June 8 - I call my oncologist. They return the call and say that since my family doc has placed me and follows me on the antidepressants, he would feel more comfortable if she handled this. I call my family doc, (family Physician's Assistant). They can see me that afternoon. I talk with Danielle about what has happened. How I am sad about my breasts being gone, losing my hair.... my whole life being upside down and that I don't like it. That this is not what I imagined I would be doing right now. I am supposed to be finishing up wedding details with my daughter instead of fighting cancer and laying around like a blob most of the time. She says what I'm feeling is normal and encourages me to journal. I told her I have a blog. She says that's good. To do it more. Rebekah is with me and tells her of some of the things I have said and how I have acted. What no one says, because of embarrassment and likely because I didn't tell were some of the things I was actually feeling during those two days. Rebekah has said to me she felt satan was attacking me hard. I agree. I truly believe that satan was attacking me. I prayed and prayed to get him away. I read my bible to get him away, but he attacked me hard. Brad pointed out that I am a delayed reactor. That I did fine when my mom and brother died, but a month or more later, it hit me and I lost it completely. He pointed out that the look on my face and my actions have never been this bad, except when my mom died. I guess he's right, I go thru the motions and fight and then my adrenaline runs out and I catch up mentally to what is happening, I lose it. I truly didn't care if I lived or died during those days. I even thought about dying and what a relief that would be for me. Danielle (my P.A.) gave options. We decided to add on an antipsychotic in addition to my antidepressants. The reason being the antidepressants were working so lets add on and then when I'm done with this fight, we can take it away again. 

June 9 - drop my long haired wig off at beauty parlor so she can fix it for the wedding. 

June 10 - feeling better. Went to relay for life and walked (with Brad's help) the survivor lap. Then rode in the wheelchair with Brad and the kids and grandbabies for the caregiver lap. 

June 14 - Chemo again. Bad news/ good news. My WBC count is 2.6 not good. Neutraphils are 1.6. They confer with Dr Filix and the decision is made to give me chemo. I must take precautions against infection the rest of the week. Come back for more chemo next week and CBC, but likely will just have CBC and no chemo. Chemo drops your white cell count and that shows that the chemo is working. because it is killing cells. But in return the risk of infection, particularly pneumonia is serious and real. Just how I wanted to go to my daughters wedding, in a mask! 

June 15 - find out my grandson (who returned to his mom's last night) developed a fever. Oh joy. He has already had a cough. He goes to the doctor this afternoon to see what's up. The effects that this could have is enormous. He was hospitalized last fall with pneumonia. He will be back here Thursday night. Saturday is the wedding. I have low white cells and am prime picking for an infection. ARRRGGGGGGG 

What my life SHOULD have been like...... 

May comes.... I love Spring... I'm spending time out in the yard so that I have a good tan for the wedding... Enjoying the time I have with my daughter before she gets married. Life is fun, exciting. Work is busy, but that's always good. 

May 14 - we go to Chicago for a bridal shower. Man we have a good time ! I love the Castillo family and we always have fun with them... It's great! 

Week of May 16 - still working on growing out my hair for the wedding so I can have a great hair do! 

May 21 - I go help set up for Rebekah's bridal shower here in town. It looks great and is awesome. I'm up mingling with people, enjoying myself. It was so much fun! We go home and do things around the house and yard. 

Memorial Day.... we walk down to the parade and have such a great time. It's warm and sunny and I get more sun that day instead of hiding in the shade. 
ow
First week of June.... getting anxious because the wedding is like 2 weeks away. This is happening fast. But it's so exciting and I'm so happy for her! 

Week of June 13 - This is it wedding week! I'm looking forward to it and can't wait.... Just thinking about how I'm going to get my hair done Saturday. Not worrying about money because there has been no cut in our income. It's all good and the same! Plan on taking Thursday and Friday off work to help out with things. Gonna enjoy this as much as possible and do things with Rebekah... So excited..... 


So the wedding, I'm still excited but let me say this is NOT how I planned on spending this week and I did not plan on having to bedazzle a mask to wear at the wedding because of low white blood cells. I did not plan on questioning every purchase I make because of our seriously reduced income. But.... God has a plan for everything. I believe that. I believe it completely. "For I know the plans I have for you." declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29: 11 So keeping my head up and with Him. You do the same. 

I also listen to this song a lot... It really describes how I feel...... Stand in the Rain by Superchic

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhcnrJvwwPo   

wedding week!

I've done all other blogs in purple, but will try to do anymore this week in red or blue since my daughter is getting married and those are her wedding colors! She is getting married THIS SATURDAY June 18. We are excited and nervous and sad all at the same time. 

This week, she has a few things to do. Monday, she got the programs printed (thank you to her in-laws for paying for that). Today, she took me to chemo... which was not so great. My White Blood Cell count is down to 2.6 and my ANC is 1.6. If my ANC had been 1.5 no chemo. So, I'm on precautions this week due to low white cells. I am very prone to infection. I go back next Tuesday maybe for chemo, maybe not... all depends on my white cells.... 

Tomorrow (Wednesday) she goes to the orthodontist to see how her invisalign is working. It is looking great. She is so pretty anyway, her teeth are straightening nicely. She is also picking up her wedding dress from the dry cleaners tomorrow! They pressed it so it will look so nice and crisp!! Then tomorrow afternoon, she is getting her feet done and her fingernails as well. She wants to look her best. 

Thursday, not sure if there is anything specific on Thursday. I know she is meeting with a friend for coffee.... Just try to chill out and relax.... 

Friday... ARRRGGG wedding rehearsal (or dress rehearsal my dance/ theater daughter keeps saying). The rehearsal is at 4pm at church. Dinner to follow at the in-laws home. 

Saturday the big day! She goes to the beauty parlor at 9:30 for her wedding hair. Our beautician has already done mine! She fixed my wig and it looks great! All ready for my bald head... After her wedding hair... we are going to the hotel for a quick lunch then off to the church. the flowers are arriving around 12:30... We'll we get dressed there and get ready to greet people... :) The wedding is at 3:30 and the reception at 5.... It will be awesome.... 

I never thought I would be like this on wedding week.... My WBC's are 2.6 my  gosh! So they're pretty low... I had chemo today and not only does that zap me, but of course, now the low white cells.... ugh! I may have to wear a mask to the wedding... but we'll see.... My job for the rest of the week is to rest and get better... 
I never imagined that I'd have chemo... or cancer..... let alone have to work my daughter's wedding around it... but I'm here. She loves me and doesn't care. My husband is here for me... It will all be good..... 

Will try to continue to update on wedding week and wedding day! It's gonna be awesome! 

In Between Chemo

     Well, for the second time, the week between chemo was rough.... It shouldn't be, you say... no it shouldn't.... but something has happened to me on the off weeks.... Like, I go nutty nuts.... I get mean, I get angry.... I am NOT a nice person to be around. I am mean to those who love me... I don't get it... 

     This last time, I really got mean... really mean... For two days... more poor husband and daughter... I went nuts... I was not happy about anything. No one could do anything to make me happy. I screamed, I yelled... I cried and cried and cried.... 
Then on day 3, I was more back to normal.... 

However, this episode was worse than the previous ones... So, at my husband's urging, I called the doctor. He referred me to my family doc... So, with my patient daughter at my side, I went in to see my family doc. I told her what was going on and while I am already on antidepressants, she discussed several options for me... We added a third medication. This one works in a different way and will hopefully help while I go thru this trial of cancer and chemo.... 

What bothers me during those times? Well.... 

I have no breasts... I am very sad about this... I know I should be thankful to just be alive, but I'm still sad... Now I look down and just see my belly. Which I complain about too.... but my family doc and my oncologist say don't worry about your weight right now.... worry about fighting cancer... So, I'm sad I have no breasts. People say well you can have reconstructive surgery. I'm not sure about that. I have had 2 major surgeries this year and the thought of having more.... and it could be 2 or more for breasts... I just don't know. 

I'm sad that I have to go thru chemo... millions of others before me have had to do this, and it works. It still makes me sad. But you're alive and this is going to save you, I hear that. I know that. 

I'm sad I lost my hair... I enjoyed my hair and loved to "play" with it... coloring it all different colors... cutting it in crazy styles... I miss my hair... but in all seriousness, I do have three fun wigs and I do NOT miss shaving... but I need to wear something on my head at night, because it gets cold... and I just miss my hair... People remind me it will grow back and that I look good bald and such... but I miss my hair.... 

I miss going to work... yeah, I really do... I know that most people would say that this statement alone makes me crazy... But I miss having a purpose to my daily life... I miss talking to adults everyday. I miss complaining about crazy people! I miss the routine as well. It was nice to have a routine and schedule. My life of doing nothing is really really hard! 

I miss making money... that one should be pretty self explanatory. 

I get sad and angry because my kids have to do things to take care of me and my husband has had to double up his workload... He already (usually) works 50- 60 hours a week. His job is VERY physical. Then he comes home and has to do things at home that I can't do. 

I also get angry at some of the things that people say to me... some days I do ok, but other days, it just sets me off! Things like "You sound good!" (ok, so I sound good.... I feel tired and exhausted and out of breath from walking 20 feet. "you look good!" ok, granted I don't look like what you would think a cancer patient would look like... but I feel like total poop! Yes, I suppose that should make me feel good to hear I look good.... but some days, it just doesn't... It's like looking in a casket and saying "oh, she looks so good." Well, I would say so, since she's been dead for 4 days!!!! 

Chemo cough and chemo brain are for real! I have had this cough since I started and due to my family genes, we already have a normal cough and such... It is ten times worse since starting chemo and there are times I cough so hard, it's very difficult to get my breath! and chemo brain... oh the dog is in here. Popeye's chicken? Wait, what was I talking about? See what I mean? and yes, I do have ADD, so add that into this.... Chemo brain is terrible.... There are days I can't remember simple words... words that I should know. I was actually trying to tell someone about chemo cough one day and couldn't remember the word cough. Then other days I remember. There are days that simple phrases or words or situations that I have known all my life can't make it to my brain. I know that there is this word I want to use and I can describe it and give it's meaning to you, but I can't think of the word.... It's awful.... 

I can't pick up my grandkids like I used to... I have no strength... I get winded just walking thru my house and I'm weak a lot. 

My appetite waxes and wanes... but my weight does not do much.... I hate it. 

I also get lonely, but oddly when I do get to talk to people, it's not as easy sometimes as you think... 

So, let me address these complaints with a calm head and some clear thoughts. 


My breasts.... yes I know I can have reconstruction. Yes, I know they had to be removed to save my life. I am thankful for this because there are people who do not have the option to have their cancer cut out of their bodies. I am so thankful that they were able to cut off my breasts and cut out my lymph nodes to remove my cancer. I truly am! It is a huge blessing to have the cancer cut out. I'm very thankful. In my dark times, it's hard to see.... but I remember and it's ok. 


 Going thru chemo.... this is not for wimps! It is hard hard work! The chemo kills good cells and bad cells. I am thankful for the chemo because it kills the cancer cells. I am thankful for this. It is just hard. I feel weak because of it. The chemo days are rough because of all the medication they put in me as well as the steriods they put in me to help me with the chemo. So a lot of chemo nights, I am up all night... seriously up all night... up til 5 or 6 am then sleep 2-3 hours and am up again all day. But chemo overall is a good thing. It is saving my life and killing any little cancer cells that broke free from my tumor or are somewhere in my body in my lymph system looking to start new tumors... chemo is good. Thank you God for chemo and oncologists to know how to order it. 

My hair. When I was in high school, classes started at 8. I was up at 5:30 every day to make sure my hair looked good. Yes, I am VERY vain. I admit it. But I loved my hair and loved trying to do different things with it. I colored it blonde, strawberry blonde.... Had blonde and RED chunks in it. I have had fuchsia colored hair on bottom and blonde on top. Pink and purple highlights in it... all kinds of stuff over the years... now it's gone... I know it's gonna come back and losing my hair is a small price to pay to have my life saved. I'm just sad... but God knows and He will take care of it. I have 3 great wigs and It's gonna be okay when it comes back. no matter what... :) 

Missing work and making money go hand in hand. I really love the people I work with and love my job! I am a person that needs a schedule and doing without one is hard. I also miss the conversation that I had at work. It was great. Missing the money is obvious. I usually bring in about 2/3 of our income. That's gone now because I have used all my sick time. So, it's sad and hard. But it is causing us to lean on the Lord more and more. A couple people have brought us money point blank. Another person started a gofundme account for me and my family. That was awesome. How people have exactly known that we would need this is beyond me. But God is providing and it is incredible! 

I sit around the house and do some things, but not much. I see things that need done, things I can't do and I get frustrated because I can't do them. I am thankful for my family. They will do them. Sometimes I get angry because they don't do them the way I would, but they do them and they put up with me. So I'm very thankful for my husband and for my children. Not everyone has a spouse or children to help out. I do. God blessed me with them and I am thankful for them. 

Things people say to me. They don't mean harm. They really don't. They don't know that what they say sometimes hurts. They are trying to be nice and polite and sometimes when people are talking to someone with cancer, the cancer scares them and they just say what they THINK they should say. So, actually I'm glad people talk to me because there are some people who have avoided me and my husband since I was diagnosed. So, it's ok... really. 

Chemo cough and chemo brain. These are hard to explain but the cough sometimes is really rough and the chemo brain I forget stuff more than I used too. But, again, I am alive. These are things that I can tolerate and live with. 

My grandkids are 4 and 2. They live with us about 75% of the time. They know I can't pick them up. But I miss it.... however, it is summer and I can go outside and sit in the shade and watch them play. They can climb up on my lap while I sit and read. So, all in all, it's ok...I can hold them that way. and again, I'm thankful for them. 

My appetite. It's just weird. The food I used to like I don't very much anymore. I don't like diet coke. I don't want chocolate so much. They don't taste good. But the things that do taste good run in cycles plus they are weird. I could eat turkey cold cuts or peanut butter and jelly or peanut butter and banana all day. And I have eaten my weight in applesauce and fruit snacks. I seriously keep applesauce and fruit snacks in my purse. People think I do it for the grandbabies. Nope. for me! 

Missing people. I do... but then I think, well, maybe God wants this time to be for self reflection and to talk to Him more. So, I am trying to do that more. Lean on the one who died for me. He is always there and there is always a lesson to be learned in every situation. There is always room for growth as a person and as a Christian. God wants me to come to him more. 


So, there's a small smattering of what is going on.... I still know God loves me. He loves you too. Keep on leaning on Him and talking to Him.... the blessing and lesson will come.... 

Insomnia, anxiety, sickness and more chemo

Well, the difference a few days make... Made it thru the holiday weekend and even went to the Memorial Day parade. Sat under a tree, with an umbrella covering me and 50spf on so that my skin is protected.... It wore me out... Of course... there was more going on..... 

Late last week, I felt like my allergies were on overdrive.... I'm sure they were, but the previous weekend, my 2 year old grandson had a running nose with a fever. Those babies almost always have runny noses.... but the fever.... So, I wore a mask while he was here. I don't think I got the mask on soon enough... I did not have a fever, but my chemo cough turned into a seriously congested cough. Then I felt it going down into my lungs... So Sunday, I started on levoquin, 7 day round to stop this. I can say as of today, it has improved and I feel a difference each day. Whew! 

My daughter, Rebekah is housesitting for someone. I have been spending my days with her because at least that way there is someone to take care of me. Cody just has his hands full with the boys and then he works night shift, so when he works, he needs to sleep in the day. So.... Tuesday I went to her friends house, plus they have air conditioning which we don't.... with all the difficulties breathing from the illness, I needed the air. So.... the night before, I had serious insomnia again.... up until about 3..... I slept for 3 more hours at her friends house. Then the anxiety set in... 

The orthodontist called her. Asked if we made the April payment on her braces. Yes... I watched Brad write it and Rebekah mailed it. Well, they never got it... So I looked it up in our bank-account... the check had not cleared. So.... I got freaking out.... Not what God would want at all... but I just immediately started hyperventilating and panicking about money. We are so close to have those braces paid for and so close to having my car paid for. But the last day I get paid sick time is June 6th. So, I'm freaking out. Rebekah worked with me to calm me down.... of course having a panic attack while you have an upper respiratory infection is even worse! 

Sadly that day also had even more in store for me.... My appetite waxes and wanes. I sometimes want to eat, sometimes not and WHAT I want to eat is always up for grabs. Usually it is peanut butter and banana sandwich, sometimes a baked potato, sometimes mac and cheese, turkey cold cut sandwich or sometimes I am all for the food the family is eating. For some unknown reason, I thought something small from Taco Bell would be good. Rebekah got it for me. I took a bite... eh... it was ok... next bite, the smell bothered me.... kept going and finished that one thing.... Then my tummy felt upset... I thought it will be fine... nope... a little bit later I was running to the bathroom and refunding that meal.... Refunding ALL of it.... Oh it was awful..... 

I was upset the rest of the night.... upset about money, upset because I vomited, upset because I had chemo the next day and was hoping I would not be feeling like this the day before chemo.  As we went to bed, Brad held me and gently rubbed my head and arm as I feel asleep. 

So... Today (Wednesday) I went to chemo... My cousin Barbara took me to give Brad a bit of a break and let him stay at work, especially since I go see Dr Filix tomorrow (Thursday at 945). Chemo went well. White Blood Cell count good, Hemoglobin improved, platelet count great. They were very pleased. I felt ok afterwards, stopped at Coffee Expressions and got my frozen chai latte. mmmm then home... I felt tired and a little drained..... not hungry at all. So, for dinner I had some banana nut bread from Bob Evans and some velveeta mac n cheese.... 

At 9:40 I took my bedtime meds.... including 50mg of trazadone and .25 of Ativan. headed off to bed.... Lay there.... watched tv... Turned TV off and turned on my music... my relax playlist on my iPhone. lay there. played video games. Got up and took another Ativan. Back to bed. lay there. things started coming to my mind about what needs to get done before the wedding... so I pulled out my phone and wrote down the lists of things that need done. Then I lay there more..... tried and tried to sleep. Finally @ 2am, I said forget. I left bed and came out to the living room... the end result is I am watching TV and blogging. I'm hopeful that here soon, I will feel tired and go back to sleep. 

What else.... My hands are a little puffy.... I feel like there is some puffiness in my feet and ankles too.... I feel some anxiety leaving about the money... Brad keeps telling me, it will be ok. I know God and I know that he ALWAYS provides. Oddly today, I was reminded that I am starting a bible study on Mondays June 6th. It is an online study thru my church focusing on the Gospel of Luke. Monday June 6th is my last paid sick day. I do not believe in co-incidence. I DO however, believe in GODincidence. I believe it's a sign from God that as I lean on Him more, my panic and worry will decrease. Maybe something will happen to us financially... maybe God will just show us how to stretch more... maybe God will provide some financial relief. 

Well... It's now coming up on 4am. I'm a little tired again... Let's hope that I can get some sleep.... 

Thanks for reading.... Share Love with all!