I got Chemo!

Well, it was a Festivus Miracle today! My white cell count was back up! It was 6.2 My neutrafils/ ANC were increased dramatically too! The only thing that was low, but low normal was my RBC and hemoglobin and hematacrit. So I got chemo.... I can't believe it. 

Cody took me.... It was a good experience for him I think. He actually got to be a part of it.... 

I looked around, they have a breast cancer support group the first tuesday of the month. I'm gonna go next time. 

My thoughts are all disjointed tonight. I'm sad. It's a happy sad, but still... my daughter got married. I'm sad.... She's a grown woman now and her daddy and I are not the people she will run to first with good news or troubles anymore. She won't come home and spend the night anymore. She is out to start a life of her own. I know Brad is really struggling with it. I can't imagine. I've never seen a daddy and daughter like them. There have been times their relationship has made me jealous. As she has grown, she has become my best friend, besides Jesus and Brad. But as my dear friend Pat Lissey told me, this is how it is meant to be. We raise them and start letting them go from the moment they are born. If we raise them well, they are able to be independent people and go off on their own and lead successful lives. Her wedding was everything she could have hoped it to be.... with the exception that she doesn't come home. :( 

Brad is sound asleep. I took my meds, but my mind overtook tiredness tonight. I got thinking about Rebekah. Brad came home in a bad mood... Work was horrible. He had taken last Thursday, Friday and Monday off. Today was his first day back to work. It was terrible he said. He has 4000 tires coming in the next 3 days and has no place to stock them. His work environment is not the best. 

I reminded Brad that this coming weekend and the first couple days after are the days we need to watch. Those are the days I have flipped out and mentally broken down before. The first part of the days of the non-chemo week. So, I asked him to please tell me if the flip switches and my mental status starts to change. As much as I complain that cancer sucks, mental illness sucks.... then throw cancer and mental illness in a ring... NOT GOOD! They do not do well together... they fight and fight and what comes out is not good.... It is exhausting beyond belief... Tears like you would not believe. And then things that are said from these two demons. They fight and fight then they realize that working together they can accomplish more. When they start working together, all hell breaks loose. I mean it. So please pray for me during the weekend and the start of the week. 

Rebekah and Andrew come back from Florida on Sunday. I hope I get to see them. I miss her already. I'm sure the chemo has something to do with it because it plays with my emotions like nothing else. 

But in good news..... I only have to go 2 more times for Adriamycin/ the Red Devil.... after that I will start the next chemo round, Taxol. I hear it is much easier on you. So I go back July 6 and then the week after that.... I imagine, I will have a week off, but maybe not.. I don't know. Then I will start the next round. It will be weekly for 12 weeks. 

I'm anxious about the next round. Why does all this reduce me to tears? I don't know. I know God is with me~ He has proven it so much recently about how much He is with me and how He is going to get us thru this. I'm just honestly scared. 

Financially, I will say things are not perfect.... But Debra Heckler started a go fund me account for us. If you have given to that, thank you. If you wanted to give, but did not feel trusting of an internet sight and gave to us personally, thank you! I truly cannot say enough. I am out of sick time so we are relying on Brad's income. I generally bring in 2/3's of our family's income so having that taken away is scary. But God is providing thru the go fund me and I have not point blank asked, but if you feel God is leading you to donate, We appreciate it. We actually had someone send us a Kroger gift card! FABULOUS! Someone helped us the our hotel at the reception this past weekend! UNBELIEVABLE!!! The thing is, I am learning that people listen to the promptings of God and the Holy Spirit. I have done that in the past, but I do not feel I have done that enough. As I get thru this fight, as I go, I am trying to do more for people. When I am done, I want to do more for people. Overall, I want to make sure that I am listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit and the Lord. I used to be so good and faithful at doing that. There is a song by Michael W Smith, Missing Person.... "there was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain. Like a child he would believe without a reason. Without a trace he disappeared into the void and, I've been searching for that missing person." I think that is me right now.... 

This cancer.... This journey of being treated for cancer.... I have started searching for the little girl that tried to witness to any friends in her neighborhood that didn't go to church when she was 6 and 7 years old. Who felt the call of the holy spirit so deep when she was 8 that she went forward in the middle of the service, she couldn't wait for the altar call. When a friend wanted to go forward, this girl said it's a personal choice, you need to go meet Jesus on your own.... This girl took the song "I have decided to follow Jesus" very literally... She kept her faith.... she got lost somewhere, but came back..... then storms came.... winds shook her.... she was taken down to a pit of despair... but Jesus was always with her. She never doubted. When the storms passed, she and Jesus and her husband dried off. When she was in the pit, her husband brought her Jesus and together the three came out. She never lost sight of Jesus.... This cancer.... early on, this girl knew Jesus was there. the battle increased and more shots were fired. The shield of faith extinguished these shots.... The sword of the spirit attacked back... The helmet of salvation and the breastplate of righteousness held this girl up. She was blessed. She knew. The attacks and shots continued.... some shots were fiery. Some were dull with a slow spreading poison. Some were hard direct hits that caused dents in the armor. Some came and hit where there was no armor and the girl was knocked down. The the wind was knocked out of her. It became easier. The girl ended up in a pit... Now I am looking for her... She has become Michael W Smith's missing person. 

Sorry for bumming you out... Just a lot going on in my little brain. I promise. There are happy endings... I have had them, I can see them. There are just moments... and chemo days are horrible for them. Then the Monday following 2 chemo treatments are the worst... But God has shown me this. therefore, since he has shown me a way the enemy attacks, I am now more prepared to fight the enemy. And that little faith inside of me like a mustard seed will push back.. I am a fighter. I am a survivor and I am an overcomer! 

please see these overcomer's in Mandisa's video.... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8VoUYtx0kw

https://www.gofundme.com/27jv7dgb