In Between Chemo

     Well, for the second time, the week between chemo was rough.... It shouldn't be, you say... no it shouldn't.... but something has happened to me on the off weeks.... Like, I go nutty nuts.... I get mean, I get angry.... I am NOT a nice person to be around. I am mean to those who love me... I don't get it... 

     This last time, I really got mean... really mean... For two days... more poor husband and daughter... I went nuts... I was not happy about anything. No one could do anything to make me happy. I screamed, I yelled... I cried and cried and cried.... 
Then on day 3, I was more back to normal.... 

However, this episode was worse than the previous ones... So, at my husband's urging, I called the doctor. He referred me to my family doc... So, with my patient daughter at my side, I went in to see my family doc. I told her what was going on and while I am already on antidepressants, she discussed several options for me... We added a third medication. This one works in a different way and will hopefully help while I go thru this trial of cancer and chemo.... 

What bothers me during those times? Well.... 

I have no breasts... I am very sad about this... I know I should be thankful to just be alive, but I'm still sad... Now I look down and just see my belly. Which I complain about too.... but my family doc and my oncologist say don't worry about your weight right now.... worry about fighting cancer... So, I'm sad I have no breasts. People say well you can have reconstructive surgery. I'm not sure about that. I have had 2 major surgeries this year and the thought of having more.... and it could be 2 or more for breasts... I just don't know. 

I'm sad that I have to go thru chemo... millions of others before me have had to do this, and it works. It still makes me sad. But you're alive and this is going to save you, I hear that. I know that. 

I'm sad I lost my hair... I enjoyed my hair and loved to "play" with it... coloring it all different colors... cutting it in crazy styles... I miss my hair... but in all seriousness, I do have three fun wigs and I do NOT miss shaving... but I need to wear something on my head at night, because it gets cold... and I just miss my hair... People remind me it will grow back and that I look good bald and such... but I miss my hair.... 

I miss going to work... yeah, I really do... I know that most people would say that this statement alone makes me crazy... But I miss having a purpose to my daily life... I miss talking to adults everyday. I miss complaining about crazy people! I miss the routine as well. It was nice to have a routine and schedule. My life of doing nothing is really really hard! 

I miss making money... that one should be pretty self explanatory. 

I get sad and angry because my kids have to do things to take care of me and my husband has had to double up his workload... He already (usually) works 50- 60 hours a week. His job is VERY physical. Then he comes home and has to do things at home that I can't do. 

I also get angry at some of the things that people say to me... some days I do ok, but other days, it just sets me off! Things like "You sound good!" (ok, so I sound good.... I feel tired and exhausted and out of breath from walking 20 feet. "you look good!" ok, granted I don't look like what you would think a cancer patient would look like... but I feel like total poop! Yes, I suppose that should make me feel good to hear I look good.... but some days, it just doesn't... It's like looking in a casket and saying "oh, she looks so good." Well, I would say so, since she's been dead for 4 days!!!! 

Chemo cough and chemo brain are for real! I have had this cough since I started and due to my family genes, we already have a normal cough and such... It is ten times worse since starting chemo and there are times I cough so hard, it's very difficult to get my breath! and chemo brain... oh the dog is in here. Popeye's chicken? Wait, what was I talking about? See what I mean? and yes, I do have ADD, so add that into this.... Chemo brain is terrible.... There are days I can't remember simple words... words that I should know. I was actually trying to tell someone about chemo cough one day and couldn't remember the word cough. Then other days I remember. There are days that simple phrases or words or situations that I have known all my life can't make it to my brain. I know that there is this word I want to use and I can describe it and give it's meaning to you, but I can't think of the word.... It's awful.... 

I can't pick up my grandkids like I used to... I have no strength... I get winded just walking thru my house and I'm weak a lot. 

My appetite waxes and wanes... but my weight does not do much.... I hate it. 

I also get lonely, but oddly when I do get to talk to people, it's not as easy sometimes as you think... 

So, let me address these complaints with a calm head and some clear thoughts. 


My breasts.... yes I know I can have reconstruction. Yes, I know they had to be removed to save my life. I am thankful for this because there are people who do not have the option to have their cancer cut out of their bodies. I am so thankful that they were able to cut off my breasts and cut out my lymph nodes to remove my cancer. I truly am! It is a huge blessing to have the cancer cut out. I'm very thankful. In my dark times, it's hard to see.... but I remember and it's ok. 


 Going thru chemo.... this is not for wimps! It is hard hard work! The chemo kills good cells and bad cells. I am thankful for the chemo because it kills the cancer cells. I am thankful for this. It is just hard. I feel weak because of it. The chemo days are rough because of all the medication they put in me as well as the steriods they put in me to help me with the chemo. So a lot of chemo nights, I am up all night... seriously up all night... up til 5 or 6 am then sleep 2-3 hours and am up again all day. But chemo overall is a good thing. It is saving my life and killing any little cancer cells that broke free from my tumor or are somewhere in my body in my lymph system looking to start new tumors... chemo is good. Thank you God for chemo and oncologists to know how to order it. 

My hair. When I was in high school, classes started at 8. I was up at 5:30 every day to make sure my hair looked good. Yes, I am VERY vain. I admit it. But I loved my hair and loved trying to do different things with it. I colored it blonde, strawberry blonde.... Had blonde and RED chunks in it. I have had fuchsia colored hair on bottom and blonde on top. Pink and purple highlights in it... all kinds of stuff over the years... now it's gone... I know it's gonna come back and losing my hair is a small price to pay to have my life saved. I'm just sad... but God knows and He will take care of it. I have 3 great wigs and It's gonna be okay when it comes back. no matter what... :) 

Missing work and making money go hand in hand. I really love the people I work with and love my job! I am a person that needs a schedule and doing without one is hard. I also miss the conversation that I had at work. It was great. Missing the money is obvious. I usually bring in about 2/3 of our income. That's gone now because I have used all my sick time. So, it's sad and hard. But it is causing us to lean on the Lord more and more. A couple people have brought us money point blank. Another person started a gofundme account for me and my family. That was awesome. How people have exactly known that we would need this is beyond me. But God is providing and it is incredible! 

I sit around the house and do some things, but not much. I see things that need done, things I can't do and I get frustrated because I can't do them. I am thankful for my family. They will do them. Sometimes I get angry because they don't do them the way I would, but they do them and they put up with me. So I'm very thankful for my husband and for my children. Not everyone has a spouse or children to help out. I do. God blessed me with them and I am thankful for them. 

Things people say to me. They don't mean harm. They really don't. They don't know that what they say sometimes hurts. They are trying to be nice and polite and sometimes when people are talking to someone with cancer, the cancer scares them and they just say what they THINK they should say. So, actually I'm glad people talk to me because there are some people who have avoided me and my husband since I was diagnosed. So, it's ok... really. 

Chemo cough and chemo brain. These are hard to explain but the cough sometimes is really rough and the chemo brain I forget stuff more than I used too. But, again, I am alive. These are things that I can tolerate and live with. 

My grandkids are 4 and 2. They live with us about 75% of the time. They know I can't pick them up. But I miss it.... however, it is summer and I can go outside and sit in the shade and watch them play. They can climb up on my lap while I sit and read. So, all in all, it's ok...I can hold them that way. and again, I'm thankful for them. 

My appetite. It's just weird. The food I used to like I don't very much anymore. I don't like diet coke. I don't want chocolate so much. They don't taste good. But the things that do taste good run in cycles plus they are weird. I could eat turkey cold cuts or peanut butter and jelly or peanut butter and banana all day. And I have eaten my weight in applesauce and fruit snacks. I seriously keep applesauce and fruit snacks in my purse. People think I do it for the grandbabies. Nope. for me! 

Missing people. I do... but then I think, well, maybe God wants this time to be for self reflection and to talk to Him more. So, I am trying to do that more. Lean on the one who died for me. He is always there and there is always a lesson to be learned in every situation. There is always room for growth as a person and as a Christian. God wants me to come to him more. 


So, there's a small smattering of what is going on.... I still know God loves me. He loves you too. Keep on leaning on Him and talking to Him.... the blessing and lesson will come....