Tuesday, January 24, 2017

end of a season

Season's come and season's go. The Bible tells us that "to everything there is a season, a time and purpose..." Specifically, it says :
 "For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace."

 So, a time to search... Well, I'm searching. A time to to cry and a time to grieve. Sort of doing that too!  I'm in an odd place.... let me back up 

I was able to return to work in early December, however, I was only released to work part time. My company was unable to bring me back part time. Not only were they unable to bring me back part time, but they advised me that they were posting my position. So, I couldn't come back and they were going to look for someone to replace me. Ouch! That hurt. So... what now? 

Well, here's what now.... I officially resigned from my company. While there was the option to return to them, I am a Registered Nurse. There were only 2 RN positions in the company I worked for. One was my boss, the other was me. So, what position would I go back to? Accounting? So, after much prayer I resigned. I have my bachelor's degree now. I also know that God has plans for me. I don't know what they are, but I believe it is a plan that includes serving people more face to face. Not serving people over the phone or not doing nursing work. So, with God's leading, I followed through and stepped out on faith and resigned. Because seriously, I need to be a nurse. 

So, I'm looking for a job. I would prefer to do part time work. Why part time? Well, in the coming year and for a few years, I will be going to doctors appointments every 3 months or so, not to forget lab work! It would be easier to just work part time and then not have to explain why I need yet another morning off work,etc. I had one job interview for a full time position. I was not selected. That really hit me hard. I really thought it went well and apparently I was wrong. I have applied for other positions, but it is not proceeding very quickly. That is rough. 

So, throw in that I'm not working along with how things are at the end of treatment, I have not been a very happy girl. I've been sad and motivation is not coming easy! 

During chemo, I actually GAINED weight! Not everyone does, but a LOT of breast cancer patient's I have spoken to gained weight. My cancer was hormone induced. So, that does not help! I put on at least 20 pounds. I hear that I will lose it. I expected it to go starting a month or so after chemo. Nope, not the case. I have a friend that has had breast cancer three times. She told me the first time that she had cancer, she put on weight. She said it took her about a year to get rid of that weight! A year? Oh. My. Gosh. A YEAR? So, I'm calorie counting. Using the Lose It! App. Exercising more. I am going to the gym 2 times a week and walking every day. The weight loss is going to come! The weight will come off! Until then, it's hard. I'm down and what have I previously done when I'm down? Eat. But the unhealthy foods are gone from the house, so it's a bigger challenge to eat unhealthy now!  

Why am I down? Well, there are days that the reality of the last year hits me! I have fought and survived breast cancer! That is something! I lost my breasts. I lost my hair. My husband sold his truck. We suffered a lot of loss. I was able to be at my daughter's wedding, but when I look back at her wedding day, while it was perfect for her, I get sad. I didn't feel well and didn't get to participate like I wanted to. It was hard. My hair is growing back, but it is so short! I miss it. I wear prosthetic breasts, but I am still missing mine. 

Then, my job. I am not contributing to my family.  I understand that I need to be thankful that I am HERE with my family. However, I would like to be able to financially contribute to my family. I worked hard to get my bachelor's degree. I have worked to help support my family for 15 years. It has been a long time that we have had to worry about what bills can be paid each month. But we are back there again! Some bills have to miss out each month. But it's ok, God has been providing for us and I know He is going to continue to do so! 

I'm just a bit discouraged. I know that God has a plan. I just wish I knew what those plans were! King David went through this. He suffered discouragement and didn't know exactly what God's plans were for him. But, King David stuck it out and finally God's plans were revealed and King David was rewarded. So, I know that by sticking it out and waiting on God, I will be rewarded. It's just hard. 

Well, that's all I have for today. Just know that if you are discouraged and waiting on God, to hold on. God has a plan. I promise. He has one for me and He has one for you. It will be revealed and when it is, you will have such a great big smile! 

Love and Peace. 💜

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Thankfulness

I had some hurtful things happen. Then I paused to remember what was taught in church this past week. When jealous/ mean people throw spears at you, like Saul did to David, do NOT throw spears back. David didn't. Just trust in the Lord. Have faith. So, instead of writing a blog or something about the hurt. I want to write about thankfulness. 

I am thankful to my friends. In the last year, I have had some friends show me true friendship. It has meant the world to me. Maybe we went to lunch. Maybe you took me to a doctor's appointment or to chemotherapy. Maybe you just stopped by. I had one dear friend take me to pick out a wig. I had one sweet friend go with me for my first post op after my double mastectomy. She saw my chest as it is now when I saw it for the first time. We saw my flatness together. She saw it before Brad did! Another dear one, started a go fund me account when money was no longer coming in for me. Friends provided us with direct financial gifts and gift cards and meals and treats! A sweet loving friend that would call or send little hedgehogs. Friends that provided books and other gifts. Another friend, Faryn Kelly came with my daughter and I to get fitted for my prosthetic breasts. I point Faryn out because she is 22. My daughter (age 22) and her friend came and watched me get fitted for fake boobs. This is not a laugh a minute joyful event for anyone, let alone young women who should not have to think about this stuff. But these young women supported me as I picked out boobs and bras! They were awesome! My dear friend Jennifer, came to the hospital to see me, came to the house and was my preceptor for my final class as I obtained my Bachelors of Nursing degree!!!! I had friends pray and pray and pray! 

I am thankful for my family. I had one family member, Barbara Duncan, my cousin and love. She drove 2 hours one way nearly every week in late August, September and October (and a couple times during the every 3 week treatment prior) to take me to chemotherapy. She would drive me to chemo and sit with me so that my husband didn't have to miss work. We would talk and laugh and discuss things that only good friends discuss! It was great! (if chemotherapy can be great!) I had family members give us financial gifts, gift cards and meals. I had family members pray and pray and pray. I had family members text and check in. My sister-in-law, Gena Schultz, checked on me at least once a week! I say at least because it was usually more. Gena lives in Indiana AND had to deal with a severely injured shoulder this summer and then preparing for the school year to start and moving from their home into an apartment while building a new house. Other family members checked in on Facebook and sent encouraging notes! I love my family! 

I am thankful for my church. When I first had my double mastectomy (2nd surgery) they supported me and provided meals for me and my family! They also organized a womens prayer circle to pray out breast cancer in our church since it seemed to pop up in epidemic proportions! Because of my church, I was able to connect with other breast cancer fighters!! That was a great blessing! It was wonderful to not have to fight alone! 

I am thankful for the Springfield Cancer Center. For many reasons... I am thankful for my doctor, Dr Filix. He was great and knowledgeable. All the caregivers there, medical assistants, nurses, receptionists... so caring and loving and helpful!! Then, there IS the breast cancer support group. I go there once a month. I am able to connect with other survivors and fighters! 

I am thankful for framily. What is framily? Friends that are family. Specifically, my daughter's new in-laws. I have other friends that are framily, but her in-laws are not just her family, but our family too. Their friendship and love and family has been more than I could write here. The friendship and family love extends from just Rebekah's mother, father and brother in-law. It includes her new grandparents, new Tios and Tias. The blending of her family and his family has been incredible and all that they have done is impossible to describe! 

I am so thankful for my children. They watched their mother go thru so much. No one should go thru what cancer patients have to. Even more, no family member should have to watch their loved one go thru it. My fight, although it was AWFUL and chemotherapy SUCKS was nothing compared to some. But my children loved me through it all and laughed when appropriate and cried with me too. They are good kids. Even my little grandsons (4 and 2) gave me love. Even when I wasn't lovable. 

I am INCREDIBLY thankful for my husband, Braden Espich. He is one of a kind. When I was sad, he held me. When I was in recovery from my double mastectomy, the first words out of his mouth were "Hi beautiful". I never felt less beautiful in my life. He loved me. When I was mean (and I was mean at times), he called me out on it. THAT is love. When you love someone so much that you call them out on being mean and tell them to stop! But even though he called me out, he loved me. He helped me with my chemotherapy. He held my hand when things hurt physically and emotionally. There are no words to tell all that he has done and continues to do. I am so thankful that in 1987, the Lord saw that we should be together. I thank the Lord for him every day. 

Most importantly, I am thankful for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Without Him, there is no way I could have made it through this last year. He stood by me. He held me. He pushed me and pulled me when I couldn't go on my own. He brought people into my life that I needed. He removed people I didn't need. He prompted people to provide us gifts. He prompted people to check on us and show love. God has been there with us through all of this. I cannot say enough. I can say that without the Lord, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be here physically and we would not have survived financially. I love Jesus and am so thankful that He loves me. I'm also thankful that people heard and felt his promptings and followed thru. :) 

Ok..... there is my current list of thankfulness. 

Thank YOU for reading this long blog! 

Love and Peace. 

Monday, January 9, 2017

2 months out :)

Well, Here I am... two months out from chemo. 
How am I doing? 

I am finally starting to feel like me again. It's been over a year since I actually felt like me. I realize this because facebook gives me memories to look at. One memory from a year ago was that my daughter told me I had lost the light in my eyes and that I had lost my crow (Peter Pan reference). I think I am FINALLY getting my light back and getting my crow back. I notice little things about myself, that have been gone for so long. I am trying to do more around the house. I am trying to do more than just exist! 

My hair... oh my... a month ago, I was getting my hair back on my head, but had NO eyebrows and NO eyelashes! My hair on my head is getting thick! Look at that thickness! And the start of eyebrows and the eyelashes! My hair is actually a hot 
mess, but it's growing!!!

 
I am feeling more energy, but still wear down really easy. REALLY easy! I'm trying to get my strength built back up. It's a slow slow process. Brad and I are trying to go to the gym at least once a week. The woman who ran half marathons is now not even on the treadmill. However, I do get on the recumbent bike and ride for maybe 10 minutes. I used to do the bike for half an hour and then do the treadmill! I have tried to lift some weights too to get strength back and regain the muscle I have lost. I am sad to say I can only do the 2-3 pound weights at this time. But, I'm trying and as Brad says, I'm not sitting on the couch! 
An example of my energy level: If we do anything that would be considered "normal", it takes me a day or two to recover. After graduation, I was wiped out for several days. Christmas really took it out of me.... but again, it will all come back! 

Work... well, I was released to return to work part time the first part of December. They were not able to allow that. They also apparently are in need of assistance and have posted my job. So, not sure that I will have the job to return to. But I do know that God will provide! He has provided so far, why would He stop now? 

School is done! Which is such an awesome thing! I still can't believe it! I actually graduated!!! Of course, it would be more real if my degree would get here! I'm anxiously awaiting that piece of paper! 

Things in my life are good. God is even better! There is so much I want to say, but at the moment, it's not the time. But when the time comes, I will share! 

I will try to post again soon... because posting is good therapy for me and even though my chemotherapy has ended, my breast cancer journey has not! I will be on this journey forever, because it has changed my life. 

Love and peace to all 

💜