"For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace."
So, a time to search... Well, I'm searching. A time to to cry and a time to grieve. Sort of doing that too! I'm in an odd place.... let me back up
I was able to return to work in early December, however, I was only released to work part time. My company was unable to bring me back part time. Not only were they unable to bring me back part time, but they advised me that they were posting my position. So, I couldn't come back and they were going to look for someone to replace me. Ouch! That hurt. So... what now?
Well, here's what now.... I officially resigned from my company. While there was the option to return to them, I am a Registered Nurse. There were only 2 RN positions in the company I worked for. One was my boss, the other was me. So, what position would I go back to? Accounting? So, after much prayer I resigned. I have my bachelor's degree now. I also know that God has plans for me. I don't know what they are, but I believe it is a plan that includes serving people more face to face. Not serving people over the phone or not doing nursing work. So, with God's leading, I followed through and stepped out on faith and resigned. Because seriously, I need to be a nurse.
So, I'm looking for a job. I would prefer to do part time work. Why part time? Well, in the coming year and for a few years, I will be going to doctors appointments every 3 months or so, not to forget lab work! It would be easier to just work part time and then not have to explain why I need yet another morning off work,etc. I had one job interview for a full time position. I was not selected. That really hit me hard. I really thought it went well and apparently I was wrong. I have applied for other positions, but it is not proceeding very quickly. That is rough.
So, throw in that I'm not working along with how things are at the end of treatment, I have not been a very happy girl. I've been sad and motivation is not coming easy!
During chemo, I actually GAINED weight! Not everyone does, but a LOT of breast cancer patient's I have spoken to gained weight. My cancer was hormone induced. So, that does not help! I put on at least 20 pounds. I hear that I will lose it. I expected it to go starting a month or so after chemo. Nope, not the case. I have a friend that has had breast cancer three times. She told me the first time that she had cancer, she put on weight. She said it took her about a year to get rid of that weight! A year? Oh. My. Gosh. A YEAR? So, I'm calorie counting. Using the Lose It! App. Exercising more. I am going to the gym 2 times a week and walking every day. The weight loss is going to come! The weight will come off! Until then, it's hard. I'm down and what have I previously done when I'm down? Eat. But the unhealthy foods are gone from the house, so it's a bigger challenge to eat unhealthy now!
Why am I down? Well, there are days that the reality of the last year hits me! I have fought and survived breast cancer! That is something! I lost my breasts. I lost my hair. My husband sold his truck. We suffered a lot of loss. I was able to be at my daughter's wedding, but when I look back at her wedding day, while it was perfect for her, I get sad. I didn't feel well and didn't get to participate like I wanted to. It was hard. My hair is growing back, but it is so short! I miss it. I wear prosthetic breasts, but I am still missing mine.
Then, my job. I am not contributing to my family. I understand that I need to be thankful that I am HERE with my family. However, I would like to be able to financially contribute to my family. I worked hard to get my bachelor's degree. I have worked to help support my family for 15 years. It has been a long time that we have had to worry about what bills can be paid each month. But we are back there again! Some bills have to miss out each month. But it's ok, God has been providing for us and I know He is going to continue to do so!
I'm just a bit discouraged. I know that God has a plan. I just wish I knew what those plans were! King David went through this. He suffered discouragement and didn't know exactly what God's plans were for him. But, King David stuck it out and finally God's plans were revealed and King David was rewarded. So, I know that by sticking it out and waiting on God, I will be rewarded. It's just hard.
Well, that's all I have for today. Just know that if you are discouraged and waiting on God, to hold on. God has a plan. I promise. He has one for me and He has one for you. It will be revealed and when it is, you will have such a great big smile!
Love and Peace. 💜
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