Jesus is my Shepherd....

This week, I had the honor of blogging for my church's women's page. Please enjoy the blog that I submitted to them. 

   

Jesus is My Shepherd, He’s Your Shepherd too!

            As most know, I am battling breast cancer right now. My neighbor has brought me a couple meals recently and this last time she brought me a figurine. It is a shepherd with a lamb at his feet. She attached a note to it that said “the Good Shepherd here is Jesus… and you… are the lamb.” It included the scriptures: Psalm 23 and Isaiah 40:11. 

      I was very touched by this and for some reason had not really put that together with my fight or my life. But it’s true, for all of us.  

            As he prophesied about the Messiah, Isaiah said in chapter 40 “Like a shepherd, He will tend His flock. In His arm He will gather the lambs and carry them in His bosom;” Jesus will carry his lambs. 

            As a baptized believer in Jesus Christ, I am one of his lambs. I am a Lamb of God! That is amazing and wonderful news! But, what does this mean, exactly? If I am a Lamb of God, what do the shepherding duties entail?

            Well, the job of a shepherd is often a hard and lonely job. Most shepherds work in “isolated areas and independently except for perhaps the assistance of dogs.” The shepherd’s biggest responsibility is the “safety and welfare of the flock”. This can be up to 1,000 or more sheep at a time. The shepherd looks for good places and safe places for the sheep and watches out for poisonous plants. He also keeps track of all the sheep and looks for lost sheep. 

Shepherds also have to protect the sheep. This is where the dogs come in. They can warn the shepherds if coyotes, wolves or mountain lions are near. These predators can outright attack the sheep or chase them to exhaustion causing them to die. Sheep also have the threat of health issues. Insects that cause disease, injuries can occur and as the shepherd and sheep are so far away, the shepherd must tend to these. The shepherd is also responsible for giving medication and vaccines to the sheep.

            Sheep also need their wool shorn. This is something that is sometimes done by the shepherd as well. The shepherd is experienced. This makes a difference because due to his experience, he can shear up to “125 sheep a day without nicking or cutting the skin, and removes the fleece intact.” The sheep trust the shepherd to shear them. They trust that the shepherd knows what’s best. 

            How this reminds me of our Master Shepherd! Doesn’t Jesus do the same for us? In his 23 Psalm, David tells us that “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.” Jesus, Himself, said in John “I am the good shepherd, and I know My own and My own know me.” Jesus also told us in Luke 15 of the Parable of the Lost Sheep. He said if you lost one of your 100 sheep, wouldn’t you leave the 99 and go find the lost one? Then rejoice when it is found. Jesus does that! If we stray or we do not know Him, He will look for us and rejoice when we come back to Him! 

            Again, David tells us in the 23^rd Psalm how the Lord protects us. “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” When David said “The Lord is my shepherd, he continued on to describe his shepherd and what the shepherd would use to protect him!” Again in John 10, Jesus says, “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I have given them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.” Jesus is our healer as well. He said in Mark “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” He is our shepherd/ physician who cares for us sinners!  

 Jesus tells us in John that “Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He <meaning the Father> takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit.” To me pruning is similar to shearing. Both cut back to show more beauty. Jesus and his father shear/ prune us so that we can become more beautiful.

            So how do I apply this to my life and how do you apply it to yours? For myself, I think I need to remember that at this time in my life as I fight this disease, maybe the Lord is pruning me. When this is over and the pruning is all done, I will bear more fruit and more wonderful fruit. I am one of the Lord’s sheep and He is my shepherd. Even if I stray off the path that He has set out for me, He will come and find me and rejoice! The Lord will protect me! He will do anything to keep me safe and to heal me. I need to remember that even if I do not beat this cancer here on earth (which I totally believe I will) that sometimes to heal me as my shepherd/ physician, He will bring me home. There I will be healed completely.

            When I get down about having had a double mastectomy, its ok, my shepherd knew about this and was with the earthly physicians and He protected me! I should not be afraid when I enter the dark valleys of depression and chemotherapy and radiation. My shepherd did not let me go there alone. He is with me. 

             I placed the figurine right beside my side of the bed. My intention is to be able to look at it daily and remember that during this journey, Jesus is with me me. It reminds me of who I am. I am a precious sheep to a wonderful shepherd. When I am so down and tired and depressed and sick, it’s ok…. My shepherd is going to get me where I need to go because my shepherd knows His sheep and they know Him. He knows me and if I stray He will find me. He will care for me and love me thru this.

            Whatever valley you may be in right now, remember… you have a shepherd that loves YOU. He may even carry you thru this valley, but regardless, he is with you and his rod and staff not only comfort you, but lead the way … and when you and I get thru this valley and see the other side that is bright and beautiful… all the pruning will be worth it because that great sunshine outside of the valley will bring beautiful bountiful fruit. Our shepherd will still be there because He loves us and He does not leave His sheep. 

    

Friday/ week off from Chemo....

Well..... Here we are again.... 

I saw the oncologist this week... He thinks things are going ok.... I asked about scans and such.... none planned at this time. He is going to continue to monitor my cancer markers, I think he said especially my Ki67... which was VERY high when I was diagnosed. I asked him about radiation... because at one point, radiation seemed very certain for me. He said to me that it is not likely anymore. This is because I had the mastectomy (actually a double), but not likely. He said if the lumpectomy would have been the end, then absolutely, yes, I would have to have radiation. However, even though there was metastasis to the lymph nodes, by the time they operated and removed them, the mets to the lymph system was only to 3 lymph nodes.... If it had metastasized to 4 or more lymph nodes, then yes, I would need radiation. He also said that even though I had 4 cancerous tumors in my breast, the total size of all the tumors is still just under 5cm. If the size was 5cm or larger, then yes, I would have to have radiation, however, with this size, radiation does not appear indicated. He promised me he would double check with the radiation oncologist, but he does not feel I will have to have that. I cannot tell you why that was such a relief. Maybe because that is one less treatment I may have to endure. Maybe because of what radiation entails (daily committment for 6 weeks, more exaustion and burning my skin). Maybe because if I have radiation, it extends my treatment to the end of 2016.  Maybe it is ALL of these reasons.... but I was relieved and happy! 

So.... I start my next round of chemo on August 9 at 9am. This round is Taxol. He told me because I did not do the cytoxan (I feel I reacted very poorly to the Cytoxan, see previous blogs), that he is giving me the full dose of the Taxol. That scares me to be honest, but he also tells me that I should be able to tolerate this better than the adriamycin (Red Devil). The big thing for me to monitor is numbness in my hands and feet. The concern about this also is that people react to the additive agent that is mixed in with the Taxol. Because of this, the night before the taxol, I need to take my steriods. This is to help prepare my body for the taxol and help prevent any adverse reactions. Then on the day of the taxol, they will give my benedryl, kytril and something else prior to the taxol. I will also be placed in a private room for the first administration. This is in case I have an adverse reaction, then they can treat me quickly and privately. Of course, the upside of the private room, is that I get a bed.... which will be good since they are loading me up with benedryl! I already told Brad, plan on taking half a day vacation that day. So he can get me home and to bed... :) 

The taxol treatments are 12 treatments in all and should be weekly treatments. However, there is always the chance that I could go for a treatment one week and my white cell count could be too low for chemo. If that would be the case, then I put it off another week. But I am now feeling better about this since I may not have to have radiation! I am soooo glad about that. If all the treatments occur like they should, I will finish at the end of October. I may get to go back to work this year! 

As for work.... as you likely know, I am no longer getting paid. I used up all my sick time (I had 12 weeks) and my vacation time (an additional 2 weeks). Some people have said to me, that's all you had? Well, for someone that has been with this company 2 years, having 3 months sick time is pretty darn good! Plus, the 2 weeks vacation! In my company, if you are an employee with sick time, you do not get short term disability. The sick time IS your short term disability. However, if you have the sick time, you have the option to purchase a long term disability plan. Praise the Lord, I did purchase a long term disability plan. As for that..... 

The long term disability is frustrating. The company that handles that is in Arizona. They have NOT been very helpful to me. The first phone call I had, the lady could not answer many questions and if I had not asked for the paperwork to be emailed to me, it would not have reached me for over 2 weeks. She said she mailed it that day.... Apparently the Arizona heat makes the mail run slower. 
I completed my 8 page portion of the LTD paperwork and Brad faxed it in. It was partially like completely a job application. They wanted my current and 3 previous employers information, what I did, when I worked there, why I left. They wanted my education.... did I graduate from high school or have a GED? How much college do I have? Have I graduated from college? They also wanted to know if I had railroad benefits? Had I applied for social security benefits.... on and on... Wow.... what a mess! 
My physician completed his 2 page portion of the LTD application. 
I finally received a phone call from my "claims examiner" in Arizona last Friday. She was giggly and such.... which normally would not be so bad, except that she asked me if I was sure my cancer had metastasized. She wanted to know why I had not applied for social security disability. I advised her because you cannot get social security disability unless you have been disabled for more than a year. She said, how can I be sure I will not be disable for more than a year. I very could be disabled more than a year. I took it from this that they just do not want to pay out on the disability policy I purchased. By the time I was off the phone to her, I was crying and angry and even more upset. She explained to me that my first date of loss was February 10. I said, that was the date I met with my surgeon, I was working then... She promptly told me no, that was wrong, that my HR department told her I was off work February 10. I told her this was incorrect. I am in the HR department and I worked February 10 and all of February. I told her I worked up to March 11. She doubted me on this. While, it would have benefited me to have the first date of loss be February 10, but honesty is how I roll and also if she used that date, I would end up paying them back when the truth was finally discovered. Anyhoo.... she said if the March date was correct (she would investigate and see when I really went off work), then I would get my first disability check in early October. OCTOBER!!!! Yes, I freaked out even more!!! She said, you have to be off work 180 days, after that it takes a month to get your money, but they pay in arrears, so when I get paid in October, it will be for September and so on.... oh sweet muffins! 
Her little happy voice telling me all this quite bluntly, pissed me off even more!!! Her boss called that evening... Brad talked to him very briefly, but he would not talk to Brad saying he couldn't due to HIPPA... whatever.... 
I heard nothing all week, so I called them.... got voice mail. She called and left me a message. She was not so giggly this time. She told me they had everything and it was under medical review to determine if the was a pre-existing condition. WHAT? A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION?!?!?  This is a complete joke because prior to them accepting me for the long term disability insurance plan, I had to fill out medical forms disclosing my medical conditions, previous hospitalizations, etc...  they accepted me.... and hey, Where's Obamacare on this one ? whatever...... 

So, I sit, unpaid. No promise of pay until possibly October. I am still thankful for the Go Fund Me page that Debra Heckler started for me. ( https://www.gofundme.com/27jv7dgb?viewupdates=1&utm_source=internal&utm_medium=email&utm_content=cta_button&utm_campaign=upd_n )  I am thankful for the people who have donated there! There are also people who have donate directly to Brad and I. Without these gifts of love... 
Also, a friend from church provided a huge surprise! She brought us dinner Tuesday night this week and Wednesday night this week. She then told us she feels she needs to do this for a month! WHAT?! How awesome and wonderful! So Michele Bard, brought us chili one night and mac n cheese with FRESH homemade salsa the next night. What a gift! 

What else am I thankful for? Well... 

• my husband. He is so good to me and loving and caring. I cannot say I am thankful for him enough. I love him so much and thank God for him every day. 
• My children. They help how they can. Whether it is taking me to the store, getting me lunch or making me laugh. Cody and Rebekah are good kids. 
• My friends. I have found my friends. I know who they are and am so glad for them. 
• My family. Extended family. They are wonderful. Again, they love me. I know that. they have pitched in and helped in ways that are phenomenal. 
• Mostly, I am thankful to the Lord. He has carried me. He has pushed me. He has pulled me. He is getting me thru this. 

So... on that thankful note... I end this entry. Love and peace to all 

no point to this post.

     Well, I went to chemo last week.... 2nd to last treatment of the Red Devil... things had been going ok.... however, my white cell count was only 3.8, which for a cancer patient is good.... and my ANC was still low... 1.9 I think... anyway... made it thru... no big thing, right? Well, the next day, felt alright... not great, but alright.... 

     Thursday, I felt a little worse, but that's usually how it goes.... Then Friday, oh yuk.... Saturday, oh Saturday.... 

     Saturday, It was all I could do to get moving. Rebekah and Andrew and I were going to go to the farmer's market downtown... I felt like total poo.... I almost called it off. But I got up and pushed thru a shower, pushed to get dressed and waited for the kids. They got me and we went to the market... They pushed me in the wheelchair and the longer we were out, the better I started to feel. I thought this is how people do it... they just push and push.... Even the nausea I had earlier in the day was gone. so.... I'm fine, I think... We stopped at the beauty parlor before we went home to show our beautician, Kara, photos from the wedding. We waited while she finished up with a client. We also had to return a wig head to her. ;) While waiting, I guess my body decided to tell me that no, pushing thru is NOT the answer... I got up and went to the restroom and vomited. and vomited. and vomited. and then for kicks vomited some more.... 
I puked at my hair dressers.... I felt HORRIBLE in body, horrible because I threw up somewhere not home.... we showed her photos and I told the kids, get me home.... that smell stayed in my nose all day and night... my stomach was NOT right the rest of the day and night.... I felt awful... I tried to take a nap... I think I did... I don't know... but I couldn't sleep

I was up all night again! Up until 5:30 in the morning!!!! Really!!!!!
When it was time to get up for church, I pushed myself out of bed. Brad said, no, you don't need to go, you need to sleep. I said, I can't let satan win! So I went to church... glad I went but felt horrible... Brad said he could feel me getting weaker as it went on.... I don't know how I made it to the truck. I felt horrible... I came home.... rested. Brad brought me lunch... I ate and took a nap.... then.... I woke up wound for sound.... that last like oh, an hour... 
then I started feeling like crap again. weak and tired and nauseous... 

Then at bedtime... I felt horrible.... tried to get to sleep... took my meds.... no sleep.... stomach hurting.... at 2 am, ran to the bathroom.... dry heaving..... God love Brad.... he came with me... I wanted to feel better.... he got some of my nausea medicine and I couldn't swallow it... i felt so horrible, I couldn't swallow it or I thought I would throw it up! He smashed it up for me and put it in applesauce. so i ate it in the applesauce... 

He left me with strict instructions, stay in bed all day today... Rest. Rest. Rest. I have chemo tomorrow. I'm scared. scared I won't get it. I'm afraid that I have felt so bad because my counts have been dropping. I have done everything I can to keep them up. Vit B. Garlic. Vit C. Water doesn't taste good. the only thing that has tasted good has been popscicles and diet dr pepper. My head feels like it weighs over 100 pounds... I'm so tired... I just want to sleep. My stomach is like a pregnant womans (I'm bloated and nauseous and only want weird foods). 

I'm scared too because last winter Brad got me tickets to see Daryl Hall and John Oates in concert. The concert is Wednesday. If I feel like poo I'm still going... but what if my counts are too low Tuesday and something weird happens and I get hospitalized? I keep thinking that. 

then I'm scared that if my counts are too low, what if I don't get chemo? then that delays everything at least one more flippin week! I can't delay my treatment one more week. I know I'm a planner, but this whole treatment thing is calculated out... My chemo gets done and then a 2 week break and then radiation and I will finish out my treatment just before Christmas. This is critical because I have already met me deductible for this year. If I go into 2017, I will have to start a new deductible and new maximum copay again... I have met all these and have met my maximum out of pocket for this year. I know God is in control. I'm just scared. 

No one ever completely understands how cancer messes with you mentally. but it does. It really does... I messes with you mentally and emotionally. I'm just so tired. and tired of feeling like this. 

Of course, I also have started the process to apply for long term disability. That is a joke. My portion is EIGHT PAGES LONG! I know that there are people that jerk around and try to screw over the disability people. I had to explain that I have breast cancer. That I'm too weak to work. what my job is now. What my two previous jobs were. That this is NOT related to work. I do not work for the railroad or get railroad benefits. This is just too much. 

I'm just tired and whiny and discombobulated. 

I finally filled out my financial aid stuff for school. 

3 classes from my bachelors. 

I'm scared to sleep in the day. What if I sleep in the day and then can't sleep at night because of it? 

Rebekah is doing a dance intensive this week. I hope its good. She has a job teaching this fall. I really hope she gets a dancing job. 

ok.... enough rambling, I suppose

I really hate cancer. I really really hate cancer. I admire those people that work thru it. wow... how? I am almost done with the REd Devil and I'm like crying every day. I don't want to go for that last treatment. I hate it so much. I don't want anymore. I feel awful. I don't want to feel awful anymore. Then I have TWELVE WEEKS of the next round of chemo.... Please.... I cannot stand this. 

Thank you Lord for the people who have helped up financially. There is a go fund me account. There are people who have given us money directly. You will never know how that has helped us. 

I am so thankful for my husband. He will wake up in the middle of the night for me. He made a new rule. If I'm asleep don't touch me. Don't talk to me Don't disturb me. He's so funny. He smashed up phenergran for me so that I could take it. 

ok.... rambling sara out.... gonna nap.... just wanna say... I hate cancer. I totally hate it. I don't understand it. I don't know why God has allowed me to go down this road. I do know, that I want Him glorified thru it. I do know that there are people I am hoping will see that regardless of how much I hate this and how crappy I feel at times, that they will see Jesus and will come to know him. 

There is one person I know that I really really want to see Jesus and to come to know Him. I love this person so much and want this person to accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior too. I want this person to come to heaven. I don't want them to burn in hell. 


love you all.... 

more rambling.... no chemo, pink eye, tests.....

Well this past week has been interesting.... 

July 4th... My family (my mom's side) gets together on the fourth of July every year. I was blessed to be able to go. It was great to see everyone... I wore my prosthetic breasts and my brunette wig. I'm wondering if the brunette wig was a mistake. A few family members commented how I look like my mother... Maybe I would anyway if I wore a blonde one or the red one... Not that it's a bad thing, I just never know how to react to that. I think about it and I am 6 years younger than my mom when she passed away. I have always had that in the back of my mind... will I live past my mom... then when faced with cancer, I think, wow... I may NOT live past my mom. All signs are good. But it's there in my mind... Satan gets to me sometimes.... well, more than I like to admit. Anyway... we went to Portsmouth to see my family. I was able to visit with my mom's oldest sister who is 91! She outlived my mom and my other aunt! She also outlived her own mother! and her step-mother! She is a cutie and I love her so. Not that I don't love my other family members... My Aunt Helen is unique and special. She served with the Red Cross and as someone in the factories (a real life Rosie the Riveter!) during World War II. She helped build planes... The flip side to that, is that her husband (who she didn't know yet, at least I don't think) was making sure the planes were ready to fly and fueling them and things in Italy during WWII. Her two older brothers, my Uncle Vernon and Uncle Howard also served in WWII as well as my father-in-law. Uncle Vernon spent most of his time in Germany (per my mother), Uncle Howard in France... he was actually involved in the invasion on Normandy (D-Day) and was wounded during that battle. He was a purple heart recipient. My father-in-law was stationed in France and the platoon he was with went thru the towns after the front lines of the Allies did. They did a lot of "clean up"... So, there, I love America and the freedom we have. I'm thankful for our vets and for the women back home that support them in many ways! And thankful I was able to spend some time with my family. 

July 5th, I went to a breast cancer support group at my cancer center. It was nice to hear things from other breast cancer patients and breast cancer survivors. These were women that are walking my walk and have walked my walk. 

Then on July 6th I went to chemo. Well, I had been having some swelling. Mostly in my feet, ankles and hands/ fingers. I pointed this out to my nurse that day. I said I have also had this cough forever and then did a chest xray last week, but it didn't show anything. She asked if I got short of breath. I said yes... Well, she drew my labs, my white cell count was low, but not like LOW low... it was like 2.3 or something... but I didn't get chemo because of my complaints. Adrimyacin can cause heart damage. Huzzah! So, they drew a BNP on my and sent me over to the hospital for an echo-cardiogram. Well, I think it was the next day... I got the results... everything normal... BNP was 22 (which is great) and my echo was nearly identical to the one I had prior to any of my surgeries. So good news... but I didn't get chemo so that delays the end by another week. But eh, whatever.... 

Then lucky me, July 7th, Brad woke me up to tell me about the number of police that had passed away during the sniper shooting in Dallas the night before. I said, "I can't open my eye". Which is not completely abnormal. Since I started chemo, I can't always blink normal. Sometimes I will shut my eyes while talking and one of them will not open normally. It is like on a delay and the lid seems to "get stuck". This also happens when I sleep. I may wake up and not be able to open one eye immediately because it is stuck. So, I tell Brad I can't open my left eye. He uses his fingers to pry my eye open. I go back to sleep. I wake up a bit later. My eye is a little stuck, but not like before. I head to the bathroom, look at my eye. Blood red. All over the sclera. I text Brad... did my eye have green/ yellow goop holding it shut this morning? Yes. Well, crap. I have pink eye. My Physician's Assistant called some antibiotic eye drops in for me. Oh joy. Then I woke up Saturday, my RIGHT eye won't open. I get it open and pull out my phone and use the camera to look at it. It's blood red. I confirm it with Brad. Well, got pink eye in that eye too! 

My son and his boys had been gone since Thursday mid-day. But the whole time they were here, the boys had runny noses and I'm sure I wiped their noses with a tissue and didn't wash my hands... BAM! pink eye. When my son came home today, I asked if he had a good weekend. He said I got pink eye. I said, me too! He proceeded to tell me the boys also had it. 

I go back for chemo (I hope) on July 12, which is Tuesday. I hope I get to have it. We had garlic knots with dinner tonight. GO GARLIC!! It helps grow white blood cells. 

What else? I hate cancer.... I really do. It not only affects you physically... It affects you emotionally and mentally. I get down because I am not working and the effects it has on my family. I get down because I don't really go anywhere. Thinking about it, not sure I went anywhere before, but the thought was that I COULD go, anytime I wanted. I didn't need someone with me in case I couldn't make it. Doing small things wears me out. I would just like to live my life like I did before. Then there are times this whole thing seems surreal. Like it isn't happening...(probably time for another alternate time line). Then I think about my brother. I talked to Brad a little bit about this tonight. I asked him again if I did all I could for my brother. I didn't visit him as much towards the end of his life. I feel guilty. Brad says, you couldn't have. You had so much going on. You took care of him at home as long as you could, then he had to go to a nursing home or he would have died here. He's right, I just feel guilty. Then I told Brad, I think of these things because I don't hear from people as much anymore. Right after surgery, people were checking in all the time. texting. stopping by. Now not so much. Which is what happens. People go on with their lives. It's normal. Why do I think about it? Well, I think it is my penance for not being there for my friends when they went thru things. It's my penance for not seeing my brother enough in the months before he died. It's my penance for getting upset at times when I took care of my mom. Is it my penance? I don't know. I know the Bible says you reap what you sow. So... I think I am reaping. 

I probably have too much time on my mind, so to speak. My dear friend and my daughter's mother-in-law let me borrow a few books. I read one. Tried to read another and have not been able to get into it.  I think I still have some embroidery that needs completed. 

I'm nervous. Nervous about the next round of chemo, which I believe will start in about 4 weeks. I'm nervous that if one week I don't get to have chemo, I will end up going into the next year. That is if I have to have radiation. Brad doesn't think so. I do. I think I will. I have an appointment with Dr Filix July 28. I'm going to ask him then. Anyway, I have it all calculated out .... If I start the next round of chemo in 4 weeks, I should end that in October. Then take 3 weeks in between chemo and radiation, I will be done with THAT right before Christmas. If there is any variance in this, I may have to go into 2017. That panics me because I have already met my deductible and maximum out of pocket for this year. I would have to start over with my radiation if it goes into 2017. I was told today by a friend at church to stop it. To get thru today. Today only. Then one day at a time. She's right. It's just hard. 
I also get worked up about not working. I called my Long Term Disability (LTD) provider and finally got someone to call me back. They are sending me a packet so that I can get that started. I don't know which month my LTD should start. August or September. The woman I spoke with couldn't tell me. If you are an account exec, shouldn't you know this stuff? Anywho... With all this, and the way it makes me feel, I'm better off to stay off work until I'm done... If I go back and can't do it, I have to start the 6 months over. I'm out of time and have used it up. So... there ya go. 

I think that's all at the moment... 

I've rambled enough for tonight.... Thanks for listening! I'll try to update again this week. 

Peace and Love. 

oncology appointment

Well..... we went to see Dr Filix.....  He thinks I'm doing ok.... I told him about the cough..... It could be chemo related.... He also wondered if it was related to the acid reflux (which I never had until I had chemo) or if it is allergy related, but there is no evidence of drainage in my throat..... This cough is brutal..... He wrote me a script for a cough suppressant... it does help.... but halfway thru the night.... I'm coughing like I'm dying...... He also wanted me to get a chest xray.... He suggested a pulmonary consult, but said let's get the chest xray first.... I keep checking on line to see if there are any results posted.... no, not yet.... 

We left his office and went straight over to the hospital to get the chest film. That took forEVER! 

Later that day, Rebekah took me to the grocery. Brad seemed a little sad/ hurt at first because he said, I can go to the store.... Yes, I know he can, but he is so busy .... He goes into work at 5 or 6 every morning.... gets off at 5ish... comes home, cooks supper, cleans house, mows the grass, does the laundry, sees if I need anything, plays with the boys, the list goes on and on..... he runs to the store if there is something more he can think of that we need.... plus he tries to go to the gym to relieve some stress. and keep in mind he takes me to the doctor and makes sure someone can take me to chemo if he has already had to miss work during that pay period .... 

So Rebekah took me to the grocery.... what fun she had! She pulled my wheelchair and pushed the cart..... of course, I would get thru part of the store and remember something I wanted from a previous part so Rebekah would have to go back and get it. I think I stressed her out a bit..... part way thru, I had to call Brad about the cost of soda... He has been buying it (and all things since I got sick) and he usually gets it at WalMart because it has been cheaper than Kroger.... The sale Kroger had going on, was better, so we got soda.... I also had to text Brad about things we were going to make for the holiday.... My cousin always hosts a family reunion on the fourth of July. We try to bring something different.... So, I'm texting him thru the store..... I was like a nutty woman..... We also had to stop at the pharmacy and pick up the scripts Dr Filix called in for me. Of course insurance would not pay for the nasal spray (Flonase) because it is now over the counter. Figures... but whatever.... it was good... 

While we are at the doctors office, I asked him when i would start the next round of chemo.... I have Taxol next. I have two more visits with the Adriamycin. I asked if I would immediately go into it... no... I would have a couple weeks off then start the new med.... Personally, I just want to start it and get it over with. but...... so, it looks like July 27 or August 3 I will start the next round of chemo. 12 weeks of it.....  So, it looks like I possibly won't be done with chemo until October 19th or so.... depending on times I may have to skip it because of low white cells etc.... then I will have to take a break of a couple weeks and start radiation (if that is what they are still planning on doing)... At the beginning they were going to do radiation as well.... So assuming I have to do radiation.... I will finish with that just before Christmas.... Oh my gosh.... I still cannot believe that this has been my whole year. 

In someways, I'm sad about this taking my whole year.... In other ways, I'm ok.... the reason I'm ok, is I was diagnosed early on in the year.... with that, I met my deductible early on and then I met my maximum out of pocket quickly as well..... so.... while my insurance would normally cover 80% of the chemo and radiation, because I have met my maximum out of pocket, I owe nothing.... any tests I have done, anything my insurance picks it up. So, praise the Lord for that.... 

Ok.... It's Saturday morning and I've done nothing.... I need to try to do some stuff.....  

Happy Fourth of July Weekend! Thank you God for our freedom and thank you for all the men and women that have fought and defended our freedom .....