no point to this post.

     Well, I went to chemo last week.... 2nd to last treatment of the Red Devil... things had been going ok.... however, my white cell count was only 3.8, which for a cancer patient is good.... and my ANC was still low... 1.9 I think... anyway... made it thru... no big thing, right? Well, the next day, felt alright... not great, but alright.... 

     Thursday, I felt a little worse, but that's usually how it goes.... Then Friday, oh yuk.... Saturday, oh Saturday.... 

     Saturday, It was all I could do to get moving. Rebekah and Andrew and I were going to go to the farmer's market downtown... I felt like total poo.... I almost called it off. But I got up and pushed thru a shower, pushed to get dressed and waited for the kids. They got me and we went to the market... They pushed me in the wheelchair and the longer we were out, the better I started to feel. I thought this is how people do it... they just push and push.... Even the nausea I had earlier in the day was gone. so.... I'm fine, I think... We stopped at the beauty parlor before we went home to show our beautician, Kara, photos from the wedding. We waited while she finished up with a client. We also had to return a wig head to her. ;) While waiting, I guess my body decided to tell me that no, pushing thru is NOT the answer... I got up and went to the restroom and vomited. and vomited. and vomited. and then for kicks vomited some more.... 
I puked at my hair dressers.... I felt HORRIBLE in body, horrible because I threw up somewhere not home.... we showed her photos and I told the kids, get me home.... that smell stayed in my nose all day and night... my stomach was NOT right the rest of the day and night.... I felt awful... I tried to take a nap... I think I did... I don't know... but I couldn't sleep

I was up all night again! Up until 5:30 in the morning!!!! Really!!!!!
When it was time to get up for church, I pushed myself out of bed. Brad said, no, you don't need to go, you need to sleep. I said, I can't let satan win! So I went to church... glad I went but felt horrible... Brad said he could feel me getting weaker as it went on.... I don't know how I made it to the truck. I felt horrible... I came home.... rested. Brad brought me lunch... I ate and took a nap.... then.... I woke up wound for sound.... that last like oh, an hour... 
then I started feeling like crap again. weak and tired and nauseous... 

Then at bedtime... I felt horrible.... tried to get to sleep... took my meds.... no sleep.... stomach hurting.... at 2 am, ran to the bathroom.... dry heaving..... God love Brad.... he came with me... I wanted to feel better.... he got some of my nausea medicine and I couldn't swallow it... i felt so horrible, I couldn't swallow it or I thought I would throw it up! He smashed it up for me and put it in applesauce. so i ate it in the applesauce... 

He left me with strict instructions, stay in bed all day today... Rest. Rest. Rest. I have chemo tomorrow. I'm scared. scared I won't get it. I'm afraid that I have felt so bad because my counts have been dropping. I have done everything I can to keep them up. Vit B. Garlic. Vit C. Water doesn't taste good. the only thing that has tasted good has been popscicles and diet dr pepper. My head feels like it weighs over 100 pounds... I'm so tired... I just want to sleep. My stomach is like a pregnant womans (I'm bloated and nauseous and only want weird foods). 

I'm scared too because last winter Brad got me tickets to see Daryl Hall and John Oates in concert. The concert is Wednesday. If I feel like poo I'm still going... but what if my counts are too low Tuesday and something weird happens and I get hospitalized? I keep thinking that. 

then I'm scared that if my counts are too low, what if I don't get chemo? then that delays everything at least one more flippin week! I can't delay my treatment one more week. I know I'm a planner, but this whole treatment thing is calculated out... My chemo gets done and then a 2 week break and then radiation and I will finish out my treatment just before Christmas. This is critical because I have already met me deductible for this year. If I go into 2017, I will have to start a new deductible and new maximum copay again... I have met all these and have met my maximum out of pocket for this year. I know God is in control. I'm just scared. 

No one ever completely understands how cancer messes with you mentally. but it does. It really does... I messes with you mentally and emotionally. I'm just so tired. and tired of feeling like this. 

Of course, I also have started the process to apply for long term disability. That is a joke. My portion is EIGHT PAGES LONG! I know that there are people that jerk around and try to screw over the disability people. I had to explain that I have breast cancer. That I'm too weak to work. what my job is now. What my two previous jobs were. That this is NOT related to work. I do not work for the railroad or get railroad benefits. This is just too much. 

I'm just tired and whiny and discombobulated. 

I finally filled out my financial aid stuff for school. 

3 classes from my bachelors. 

I'm scared to sleep in the day. What if I sleep in the day and then can't sleep at night because of it? 

Rebekah is doing a dance intensive this week. I hope its good. She has a job teaching this fall. I really hope she gets a dancing job. 

ok.... enough rambling, I suppose

I really hate cancer. I really really hate cancer. I admire those people that work thru it. wow... how? I am almost done with the REd Devil and I'm like crying every day. I don't want to go for that last treatment. I hate it so much. I don't want anymore. I feel awful. I don't want to feel awful anymore. Then I have TWELVE WEEKS of the next round of chemo.... Please.... I cannot stand this. 

Thank you Lord for the people who have helped up financially. There is a go fund me account. There are people who have given us money directly. You will never know how that has helped us. 

I am so thankful for my husband. He will wake up in the middle of the night for me. He made a new rule. If I'm asleep don't touch me. Don't talk to me Don't disturb me. He's so funny. He smashed up phenergran for me so that I could take it. 

ok.... rambling sara out.... gonna nap.... just wanna say... I hate cancer. I totally hate it. I don't understand it. I don't know why God has allowed me to go down this road. I do know, that I want Him glorified thru it. I do know that there are people I am hoping will see that regardless of how much I hate this and how crappy I feel at times, that they will see Jesus and will come to know him. 

There is one person I know that I really really want to see Jesus and to come to know Him. I love this person so much and want this person to accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior too. I want this person to come to heaven. I don't want them to burn in hell. 


love you all....