more rambling.... no chemo, pink eye, tests.....

Well this past week has been interesting.... 

July 4th... My family (my mom's side) gets together on the fourth of July every year. I was blessed to be able to go. It was great to see everyone... I wore my prosthetic breasts and my brunette wig. I'm wondering if the brunette wig was a mistake. A few family members commented how I look like my mother... Maybe I would anyway if I wore a blonde one or the red one... Not that it's a bad thing, I just never know how to react to that. I think about it and I am 6 years younger than my mom when she passed away. I have always had that in the back of my mind... will I live past my mom... then when faced with cancer, I think, wow... I may NOT live past my mom. All signs are good. But it's there in my mind... Satan gets to me sometimes.... well, more than I like to admit. Anyway... we went to Portsmouth to see my family. I was able to visit with my mom's oldest sister who is 91! She outlived my mom and my other aunt! She also outlived her own mother! and her step-mother! She is a cutie and I love her so. Not that I don't love my other family members... My Aunt Helen is unique and special. She served with the Red Cross and as someone in the factories (a real life Rosie the Riveter!) during World War II. She helped build planes... The flip side to that, is that her husband (who she didn't know yet, at least I don't think) was making sure the planes were ready to fly and fueling them and things in Italy during WWII. Her two older brothers, my Uncle Vernon and Uncle Howard also served in WWII as well as my father-in-law. Uncle Vernon spent most of his time in Germany (per my mother), Uncle Howard in France... he was actually involved in the invasion on Normandy (D-Day) and was wounded during that battle. He was a purple heart recipient. My father-in-law was stationed in France and the platoon he was with went thru the towns after the front lines of the Allies did. They did a lot of "clean up"... So, there, I love America and the freedom we have. I'm thankful for our vets and for the women back home that support them in many ways! And thankful I was able to spend some time with my family. 

July 5th, I went to a breast cancer support group at my cancer center. It was nice to hear things from other breast cancer patients and breast cancer survivors. These were women that are walking my walk and have walked my walk. 

Then on July 6th I went to chemo. Well, I had been having some swelling. Mostly in my feet, ankles and hands/ fingers. I pointed this out to my nurse that day. I said I have also had this cough forever and then did a chest xray last week, but it didn't show anything. She asked if I got short of breath. I said yes... Well, she drew my labs, my white cell count was low, but not like LOW low... it was like 2.3 or something... but I didn't get chemo because of my complaints. Adrimyacin can cause heart damage. Huzzah! So, they drew a BNP on my and sent me over to the hospital for an echo-cardiogram. Well, I think it was the next day... I got the results... everything normal... BNP was 22 (which is great) and my echo was nearly identical to the one I had prior to any of my surgeries. So good news... but I didn't get chemo so that delays the end by another week. But eh, whatever.... 

Then lucky me, July 7th, Brad woke me up to tell me about the number of police that had passed away during the sniper shooting in Dallas the night before. I said, "I can't open my eye". Which is not completely abnormal. Since I started chemo, I can't always blink normal. Sometimes I will shut my eyes while talking and one of them will not open normally. It is like on a delay and the lid seems to "get stuck". This also happens when I sleep. I may wake up and not be able to open one eye immediately because it is stuck. So, I tell Brad I can't open my left eye. He uses his fingers to pry my eye open. I go back to sleep. I wake up a bit later. My eye is a little stuck, but not like before. I head to the bathroom, look at my eye. Blood red. All over the sclera. I text Brad... did my eye have green/ yellow goop holding it shut this morning? Yes. Well, crap. I have pink eye. My Physician's Assistant called some antibiotic eye drops in for me. Oh joy. Then I woke up Saturday, my RIGHT eye won't open. I get it open and pull out my phone and use the camera to look at it. It's blood red. I confirm it with Brad. Well, got pink eye in that eye too! 

My son and his boys had been gone since Thursday mid-day. But the whole time they were here, the boys had runny noses and I'm sure I wiped their noses with a tissue and didn't wash my hands... BAM! pink eye. When my son came home today, I asked if he had a good weekend. He said I got pink eye. I said, me too! He proceeded to tell me the boys also had it. 

I go back for chemo (I hope) on July 12, which is Tuesday. I hope I get to have it. We had garlic knots with dinner tonight. GO GARLIC!! It helps grow white blood cells. 

What else? I hate cancer.... I really do. It not only affects you physically... It affects you emotionally and mentally. I get down because I am not working and the effects it has on my family. I get down because I don't really go anywhere. Thinking about it, not sure I went anywhere before, but the thought was that I COULD go, anytime I wanted. I didn't need someone with me in case I couldn't make it. Doing small things wears me out. I would just like to live my life like I did before. Then there are times this whole thing seems surreal. Like it isn't happening...(probably time for another alternate time line). Then I think about my brother. I talked to Brad a little bit about this tonight. I asked him again if I did all I could for my brother. I didn't visit him as much towards the end of his life. I feel guilty. Brad says, you couldn't have. You had so much going on. You took care of him at home as long as you could, then he had to go to a nursing home or he would have died here. He's right, I just feel guilty. Then I told Brad, I think of these things because I don't hear from people as much anymore. Right after surgery, people were checking in all the time. texting. stopping by. Now not so much. Which is what happens. People go on with their lives. It's normal. Why do I think about it? Well, I think it is my penance for not being there for my friends when they went thru things. It's my penance for not seeing my brother enough in the months before he died. It's my penance for getting upset at times when I took care of my mom. Is it my penance? I don't know. I know the Bible says you reap what you sow. So... I think I am reaping. 

I probably have too much time on my mind, so to speak. My dear friend and my daughter's mother-in-law let me borrow a few books. I read one. Tried to read another and have not been able to get into it.  I think I still have some embroidery that needs completed. 

I'm nervous. Nervous about the next round of chemo, which I believe will start in about 4 weeks. I'm nervous that if one week I don't get to have chemo, I will end up going into the next year. That is if I have to have radiation. Brad doesn't think so. I do. I think I will. I have an appointment with Dr Filix July 28. I'm going to ask him then. Anyway, I have it all calculated out .... If I start the next round of chemo in 4 weeks, I should end that in October. Then take 3 weeks in between chemo and radiation, I will be done with THAT right before Christmas. If there is any variance in this, I may have to go into 2017. That panics me because I have already met my deductible and maximum out of pocket for this year. I would have to start over with my radiation if it goes into 2017. I was told today by a friend at church to stop it. To get thru today. Today only. Then one day at a time. She's right. It's just hard. 
I also get worked up about not working. I called my Long Term Disability (LTD) provider and finally got someone to call me back. They are sending me a packet so that I can get that started. I don't know which month my LTD should start. August or September. The woman I spoke with couldn't tell me. If you are an account exec, shouldn't you know this stuff? Anywho... With all this, and the way it makes me feel, I'm better off to stay off work until I'm done... If I go back and can't do it, I have to start the 6 months over. I'm out of time and have used it up. So... there ya go. 

I think that's all at the moment... 

I've rambled enough for tonight.... Thanks for listening! I'll try to update again this week. 

Peace and Love.