Monday, October 31, 2016

so tired and sorry for not being there for you

Not everyone understands how cancer makes you feel. Or at least how it makes me feel. Everyone is different. God created each of us to be different and our bodies are unique and wonderfully made. 50 people could each have the same type of cancer and have the same type of treatment and they would each not feel exactly the same. They could each have different side effects, all types of different things.... 

The closer I have gotten to the end of this, I have felt worse. I am just exhausted. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I'm exhausted. I start to feel better and then it's time to go back for another treatment. Each week that passes, the exhaustion and everything is worse. I'm nauseous. Weak. Beat. I can't think clearly. 

I've put on weight. My blood sugar is out of whack. There are days when I feel like it's just too much. But I can't quit. I want to quit, but I can't. I have to keep going and keep fighting. The reason I have to fight and keep going is not for myself, but for my family. I think they need me. Not that I have that high of an opinion of myself, but I really do think they need me. So, for them, I fight and keep going. I don't want to keep going some days. I know what waits for me on the other side. Jesus waits for me. But I believe He has told me it's not my time right now. I'm to stay here. 

Jesus told us that we would have troubles, but to take heart, He had overcome the world. Multiple times in scripture we are told that we will have troubles. We will have all sorts of troubles, financial trouble, illness, family issues... the list goes on. But Jesus is still with us throughout it all. He overcame the world and if we have Him, we will make it through. 

I found out over the weekend, that my LTD provider is denying my LTD. Yes, I've said this before, but I appealed the denial. This time, it was in response to my appeal and it is the final decision. They will accept no further appeals. They did state that I could file a complaint with the Ohio Department of Insurance. Idiots. If they would have read all my appeal letter, they would see that I have indeed filed a complaint with the Ohio Department of Insurance. On that note, the Ohio Department of Insurance is still investigating. They have not provided and answer yet, but they email me periodically stating that they are still investigating. That was another blow. I really thought that my appeal would go thru and they would overturn their decision. Nope. That hit me hard. I don't know why. It just did. 

This journey has taken me down paths that I didn't know I would go. It is not just a physical journey. It is emotional and mental. And those things are just with the cancer diagnosis alone. Then throw in the other things that happen... 

I also have a tendency to feel sorry for myself. I fight it, but I am a selfish, self centered person. So, There are times when I feel bad for me. I fight it. It's hard. During those times, I think about what my life would have been like without cancer. What I would be doing. People that would be talking to me. What life would be like... When I was diagnosed, my life hit a dead end and took a dramatic turn into a new life. never to go back to the previous. 

I think about people who have contacted me throughout this journey. I think about people who did in the beginning, but drifted away. There are also those who not only drifted away, but it actually feels like they have attempted to put distance between us. I also think about the people who never have ever mentioned it to me or to Brad. People who we may have been very close to, if not recently, but at one time. They never have said anything. Maybe they don't know what to say... Maybe those who have drifted away have become caught up in their own lives (which is very easy to do). Maybe those who have attempted to put distance between us... well, not sure about that. Do they think I am dying and they don't want to be close? Do they see some of the things that have happened and don't want to associate themselves with that or with me or both? Then I think about people that I may have done that to. People who I was close to once, and when they had a crisis occur, was I there for them? Did I drift away? Did I push away? If you are reading this and I have not been there for you at a crisis point in your life, please accept my sincere apology. I am truly sorry. I have now been on the other side and know how this can feel. If I drifted away from you during a rough time, I am very sorry.  If I pushed away from you and put distance between us, I am so so sorry. I hope you can forgive me. 

I also think of those that have contacted me and kept up with me throughout this battle. WOW! What dedication you have! I cannot say thank you enough. This has been a battle and is not done yet. Thank you for all you have done. All the times you have messaged me on facebook. All the texts. All the times you prayed for me. Every time you see me and just say hey or touch my arm or back. Thank you. Thank you for taking me to lunch. Thank you for checking in. Thank you for taking me to chemo. Thank you for stopping by. Thank you for the financial gifts. Thank you for the other gifts. Thank you for the gift cards. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I cannot say thank you enough. God has used you. You love has been shown. Whether you love me, my husband or my family or you just love the Lord, Your love has been visible in all these things. Thank you. 


I think that is a good place to end today..... 

Thank you all.... Love and peace to all... make today count. 





Saturday, October 29, 2016

one more week


Well, here we are.... one week left of chemo. Oh how I can't wait. My body has been saying the last couple weeks that it is done... Each week has gotten just a little worse. I have had nausea that has gotten worse each week, the taste of chemo in my mouth is just awful! My appetite is not sure what it wants to do. and the weakness of my body.... UGH! I am just wiped out.... 

Yesterday at chemo I took a nap. Rebekah said I was sleeping so good I even snored a little bit! I panicked! She said it was very quiet snoring... 

I can not believe I only have last IV chemo treatment. I am so glad. And scared. I'll be glad to not have the side effects, especially the weakness, but UGH! After this is done, I will start oral chemo... Hormone blockers. My cancer is fed by estrogen and progesterone so I need to take medication to keep them down and away. I will do this for the next 10 years. 

I saw my surgeon, Dr Daniels last week. She was very pleased with me. Examined me and said nothing out of the ordinary was there. I go back to her in 6 months. She said I will continue to follow up with her for the next 2 years. WOW! But, that's good. Between her and Dr Filix, they will be keeping an eye on me closely. That is good. I want to make sure that this never comes back! 

I started yoga with Rebekah on Wednesday nights. I have only gone 2 weeks, but I feel like it helps. It centers me and I can feel the stretching. Especially in my left arm where the lymph nodes were removed. 

Tonight is trick or treat here. We have candy ready to pass out and the boys are going out as Marshall and Rubble from Paw Patrol. I'm excited for them. 

I don't feel absolutely AWFUL like I did on the Red Devil, but I don't feel good. I am exhuasted and weak. I'm nauseous and have the awful chemo taste in my mouth. But, I will sit at the end of the driveway and hand out candy to the little ones that come by. 

I have a lot more deep thoughts and introspections, but today, I'm done... I'm tired and we need to get ready for the trick or treaters. 

I also and frustrated waiting on my grade from my most recent class! UGH! Post it already! I start my final class towards my Bachelors Monday... :) Praise the Lord!!!! 

Will write more later.... 

Love and Peace to all. 


Monday, October 17, 2016

just some overall thoughts...


Here I am on a Monday. Trying to focus, but my brain can't.... Why? Not sure... Is it chemo overload? Is it just general overload? Is it school burnout? I'm not sure. Could be a combination. So what is going on? 

Well, I have three more chemo treatments to go. I'm glad. But also anxious. It is kind-a a let down because I have become so accustomed to having this as a part of my life and see the nurses there. It has been a bit of a social life for me. That's sort of sad, isn't it? But, it is what it is. My social life was never much anyway. Each treatment depends on what my blood count is on the days of treatment. My white blood cells have been low still, but not low enough to not have chemo! My hemoglobin has been low or on the low end of normal as well. But again, not low enough to need a blood transfusion. My brain is so fuzzy. It seems more fuzzy the first 3 or 4 days after chemo, starts to clear a bit, then more chemo. I've started having nausea again after chemo. I get nauseous when the steroids wear off. Not enough to throw up (which is good I guess because I hate to vomit) but you know how you sometimes think if I could just throw up, I would feel better? Yeah... It's like that, but no vomiting. I also have the chemo taste in my mouth. I taste the chemo as it is going in and then I taste it for three or four more days.... then it goes away and I have a day or two and then I go back for chemo. On those days, jolly ranchers are a great help because the sourness helps cut the taste and if I eat something spicy or tomato based, the acid helps cut the taste. The taste is just ECK... it's like metal and medicine and medical alcohol all in one taste in my mouth. 

School is progressing. I really do not like my TA. She is so flippin nit picky. The thing is, she doesn't criticize my actual work, she picks apart my references and the format of my typing. All papers must be written in APA format. I have been doing this for 2 years. I have never had a TA nit pick like this. The date wrongly formatted. This word was capitalized, this word wasn't. Just stupid crap. I change something that she tells me is wrong. Then she tells me what I changed is wrong as well, when I changed it the way she told me to! UGH! 

When I say Dr Filix the last time, he told me to live my life. To enjoy every day and just live my life. Don't focus on the cancer. Don't think about recurrance. He explained that I could still have some cancer cells in my body, but they are likely dormant cancer cells. The chemo is killing all the active cancer cells. But the chemo cannot kill the dormant cells. It can't kill them because they are dormant. He said those dormant cells could remain dormant the rest of my life. Those dormant cells could also choose to become active again at some point in my life. If they become active, then the cancer has returned. Of course, if the cancer returns, I have no breasts, so it could come back as bone cancer, lung cancer, liver cancer or worst case, brain cancer. So, live my life. Enjoy my life. Only God knows if my cancer will return. If it does, we will deal with it then. So, I will keep doing what I'm doing now (finishing chemo) and then will live my life! 

Of course, after my chemo is over, I will go on oral meds. I will start out on Tamoxifen. I will take that for about 3 - 4 years. Only 3 - 4 years because I am presently not in "real" menopause. I AM however in chemopause. I have the effects of menopause, but it's all induced from the chemo. After 3 - 4 years, I will switch from Tamoxifen to Arimidex because by then I should have definitely reached menopause. Overall, I will stay on these meds for 10 years. Then what? I don't know... Just live my life. Life my life and trust that God has it under control. 

Because of the chemo and the steroids, I have put on about 20 pounds. My clothes don't fit like they used to. The nurses and everyone tells me it will come off when the chemo ends. I hope so. I feel like my belly is huge. Of course, it doesn't help that I have no breasts. So, I just see the belly. 

My hair is still trying to come back. It's grey. It's very very short. Not even long enough for a barrette or anything, but it does interfere with my wigs. It makes my wigs not want to stay on my head as much. So, I have to wear a wig cap when I wear my wigs now. What a hoot. While I'm comfortable at home not having a cap or scarf or wig on, I'm not comfortable doing that in public. However, I am ok not wearing my breasts all the time in public. But I always wear them to church. 

The other thing after chemo for a few days is my face, hands and feet feel tight and full. Like I'm holding water in my feet, hands and face... it goes away a day or two before chemo... then it comes back... UGH! My face just feels fat... 

I was blessed to be able to speak at the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer event here in Springfield! The blogger says the video of me speaking is too big for me to upload here, but here's a photo of me afterwards. :) And of course, one by my ribbon. My daughter also shared in the event by singing the National Anthem. I was very proud of her. 
 That week was a busy week. Rebekah and I also went to the Ladies Night Out for Breast Health. It was held at the Hollenbeck Center. They had speakers and dinner and gifts for survivors as well as raffle prizes. It was a great night and good time. Of course, I wore one of my wigs (Raquel) and my breasts. I received a glow stick wand. That made me happy. I got to use some of my magical powers that night. 

  Some other blessings have come in the form of financial blessings. Brad and I are still trying to live on his income (which is 2/3 less than mine). Then something will hit that we aren't planning for. Let's be honest. We are not planning for ANYTHING to hit us financially. We are planning on just surviving until I can go back to work. The starter went out in my car. Usually an easy fix and as car parts go, not HORRIBLE. Well, when we sold Brad's truck to have money to live, we used some of that money to buy a vehicle to get around in. We got a 2005 VW Beetle. We purchased it from an auto repair shop where the original owner had taken it and then could not afford the repairs due to several unfortunate circumstances in his life. We purchased the car for the price of the repairs, so really great deal. Well, the starter went out. We checked all the auto parts stores here in town. The price was comparable to other starters on other cars we have had. However, after Brad purchased the starter, it was not correct. It did not match the one he pulled out. Grrrr. He went to several auto parts stores in town. None of them matched. He had to call a VW dealer here in town and have them order one for him. Well, with VW, parts are not always in town. Also, parts are not always in the United States. Most times, parts for VW's are actually in Germany and you have to wait for it to come from there. Fortunately for us, there were THREE starters in the United States. So, we only had to wait a few days for it to make it here to Springfield. The original cost of the starter was $500. $500!!!!!!!!!!! (do you hear my panic and feel the sick feeling in my stomach? But because of where Brad works, they ran it through his company. (We paid). That dropped the price to $400 (still sick and freaked out). But... The price drops down to $300 when we give them the old starter (the core). ok... better still... Then at the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer event, I won the 50/50 raffle... I got $94 !!! That drops it down close to $200. That is better still. Then because of my friend Debra Heckler, someone donated money to our gofundme account. https://www.gofundme.com/27jv7dgb   and then I ran into a coworker last week and she gave us a financial gift. There have been many who have given us financial gifts. I cannot thank you enough. I feel awkward having a gofundme account. I feel awkward receiving financial gifts. Some have given us so much. Some have given smaller amounts. Let me tell you, $5, $50, WHATEVER! It has been such a huge blessing to us. God has provided and I believe God provided thru Debra starting the gofundme account. There have been people who have donated anonymously. Thank you Anonymous! There have also been people who have sent us gift cards. Thank you! Seriously, there are no words. I have seen God work in others lives and our lives throughout this ordeal. It has been great. Without these financial gifts, Brad and I would not make it through this. Seriously. Without people's generosity, we could not have survived this long. I am grateful for everything that has been given to us and I continue to pray that the generosity of others will continue. I know that God will continue to see us thru. :) 

I had a new panic last night. I asked Brad if he has life insurance on me. He is not sure. Oh my gosh! I'm panicked. What if I die? Like, what if I go out and get hit by a bus or am in a car accident? He does not have life insurance on me. I used to have life insurance on myself, but when my long term disability was denied and then I was out of work for 6 months, my company dropped my insurance. I lost my vision, dental, life insurance... Thank the Lord that Brad carries the medical. So..... now we have to pray that I don't get hit by a bus! 

For those of you wondering, yes, I appealed the denial of my Long Term Disability. I have heard nothing at this point. I keep praying and have been praying extra hard these last few days about it. Please pray for me as well. I feel my appeal letter was very great and had excellent points. I also filed a complaint with the Ohio Department of Insurance. They feel I have a very good case as well. I had a friend who is a paralegal assist me in my appeal letter. But, no word yet. Brad does not feel that I will win the appeal. I feel there is a chance. There is no chance if you don't try. If I think about that situation too long, I get really really angry and hurt. I feel betrayed. I put trust (and money) in something that did not matter. Of course, isn't that what Jesus tries to tell us all through the New Testament? Don't put your trust in man, put your trust in Me. Men will always fail you. Jesus will not. I just feel embarrassed that I trusted a system and man. My hope should not have been in them, but in the Lord alone. 

I guess that is a lesson I have learned. My hope is in Christ. I have always loved the Lord but as with anyone, I sometimes also think that things of this world will also be there for me. That's wrong. 

Something else that hit me over the weekend were a couple of scriptures from Proverbs 16. Proverbs 16:1 - We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer. Proverbs 16:9 - We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps. Proverbs 16:33 - We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall. 

I had plans. I had made plans. But just because I made these plans, God determined how they were going to go and what steps I would take. I had plans before I found a lump on January 29. The Lord determined new steps. I threw the dice on March 14 when I had a lumpectomy. The Lord had those dice fall a different way than I thought... that's why on March 29 I had a double mastectomy. I had plans for May 9, to return to work... The Lord gave me HIS right answer and showed me new steps and did not allow me to return to work due to my reactions to chemo and the weakness and low blood counts I would have to endure. I had plans to finish my bachelor's degree. So far, the Lord has said, Sara you are going to keep taking those steps towards your bachelor's degree. You are going to feel rough doing it. You are going to struggle. But after all that your bachelor's degree will be more sweet. 

What other plans have I had that maybe will not be achieved in the steps that I thought? 

Something to think about this week.... 

thanks for listening! 

Love and Peace... Sara 


Friday, October 7, 2016

chemo number 8 in the books


Well, today I did chemo number 8. 4 more to go! My white blood cells were higher, 3.8. That was good... 

I also met with the radiation oncologist this afternoon. We discussed my surgeries and results. She did a very thorough exam. She stated that the risks of me doing radiation outweigh the benefits of me doing radiation. So, she said she does not recommend radiation in my case. So even with having 3 positive lymph nodes, it's not recommended because the cancer in those lymph nodes was MICROmetastisis, if the cancer had been MACROmetastisis, then yes... but because it was microscopic, we assume it was all taken in the surgery and that any left overs have been killed by the chemotherapy. 
So, no radiation for me! 

I have 4 more chemo treatments to do. They make me so tired. I saw Dr Filix on Monday. He said things seem to be going well. I see him again in a month. 

This whole thing has been such a roller coaster. My emotions just go everywhere. I'm in school and that makes me frustrated as well. I have had a couple mini breakdowns this week. But, it's ok. I think that is to be expected. I just feel like poo after chemo, then sometimes with the boys here, it just becomes too much. I have so much going on, or at least I feel like it... it's hard. Plus the money side of it. It just wears me down. 

This whole cancer thing is not just a physical battle, but a mental and emotional one as well! 

Monday, my car wouldn't start. Thankfully I was near Rebekah's job and it was close to her time to get off work. She picked me up. She and I tried to jump it, but no go. When Brad came home from work, he went out there and tried to jump it. nope. So, the next day it was towed home. Cody and Brad had determined it was the starter. Well, in a VW Beetle, the engine is pretty compressed. So, Cody said he would work on it while Brad was at work. Well, Cody had to take the tire off, I think part of the brakes, the inner lining of the fender, another liner, the battery had to come out, then he could start to loosen the starter. Oh my gosh... So, starter came out around 7 at night. Brad went in town to get one, they had to order it. Cody took me to the auto store the next day, I picked up the starter and paid for it. Brad came home that night (last night) and was going to install it. He looked at the new starter, then at the old one (because we had not turned it in yet) and they did not match. So, he went to a different auto parts store, they sold him one for a manual transmission because it looked like it. Brad realized that there was one part that did not look as long as the original. So, he came home and measured everything on the car. It was not the same size. So... he went to the auto parts place and talked to them (and returned the starter). They said he should call a dealership and see if they had one or could order him one. He did that today. It is costing twice a much for the starter. But, I told him, we're still better off because if we had to take it the dealership or other auto repair, it would cost even more! There are only 3 VW Beetle starters in the country. In the country! They are ordering it and it will be here on Monday. ugh! 

Earlier this week, there was so much I wanted to blog about, today I don't remember. Chemo brain is real people! 

Last night, Rebekah and I went to Ladies Night Out for Women's Health. Had dinner and a nice program. It was fun. Tomorrow we are going to Making Strides for Breast Cancer. I'm not walking in it. I just don't have the energy or strength to do a 5K right now. However, I will go and sit in the survivor area. Rebekah is going to sing the National Anthem and I am going to speak. 

After Making Strides, we are going to a wedding. Then after the wedding, Brad and Cody are going to a church event. The event is called Steak and Shoot. It's held at a gun range here, the guys go and shoot guns and then have a steak dinner. As our minister said, what's better than eating meat and shootin stuff? I plan on going to bed... LOL 

Ok... if I think of more things I will update... 

Until then Love and Peace!