so tired and sorry for not being there for you

Not everyone understands how cancer makes you feel. Or at least how it makes me feel. Everyone is different. God created each of us to be different and our bodies are unique and wonderfully made. 50 people could each have the same type of cancer and have the same type of treatment and they would each not feel exactly the same. They could each have different side effects, all types of different things.... 

The closer I have gotten to the end of this, I have felt worse. I am just exhausted. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I'm exhausted. I start to feel better and then it's time to go back for another treatment. Each week that passes, the exhaustion and everything is worse. I'm nauseous. Weak. Beat. I can't think clearly. 

I've put on weight. My blood sugar is out of whack. There are days when I feel like it's just too much. But I can't quit. I want to quit, but I can't. I have to keep going and keep fighting. The reason I have to fight and keep going is not for myself, but for my family. I think they need me. Not that I have that high of an opinion of myself, but I really do think they need me. So, for them, I fight and keep going. I don't want to keep going some days. I know what waits for me on the other side. Jesus waits for me. But I believe He has told me it's not my time right now. I'm to stay here. 

Jesus told us that we would have troubles, but to take heart, He had overcome the world. Multiple times in scripture we are told that we will have troubles. We will have all sorts of troubles, financial trouble, illness, family issues... the list goes on. But Jesus is still with us throughout it all. He overcame the world and if we have Him, we will make it through. 

I found out over the weekend, that my LTD provider is denying my LTD. Yes, I've said this before, but I appealed the denial. This time, it was in response to my appeal and it is the final decision. They will accept no further appeals. They did state that I could file a complaint with the Ohio Department of Insurance. Idiots. If they would have read all my appeal letter, they would see that I have indeed filed a complaint with the Ohio Department of Insurance. On that note, the Ohio Department of Insurance is still investigating. They have not provided and answer yet, but they email me periodically stating that they are still investigating. That was another blow. I really thought that my appeal would go thru and they would overturn their decision. Nope. That hit me hard. I don't know why. It just did. 

This journey has taken me down paths that I didn't know I would go. It is not just a physical journey. It is emotional and mental. And those things are just with the cancer diagnosis alone. Then throw in the other things that happen... 

I also have a tendency to feel sorry for myself. I fight it, but I am a selfish, self centered person. So, There are times when I feel bad for me. I fight it. It's hard. During those times, I think about what my life would have been like without cancer. What I would be doing. People that would be talking to me. What life would be like... When I was diagnosed, my life hit a dead end and took a dramatic turn into a new life. never to go back to the previous. 

I think about people who have contacted me throughout this journey. I think about people who did in the beginning, but drifted away. There are also those who not only drifted away, but it actually feels like they have attempted to put distance between us. I also think about the people who never have ever mentioned it to me or to Brad. People who we may have been very close to, if not recently, but at one time. They never have said anything. Maybe they don't know what to say... Maybe those who have drifted away have become caught up in their own lives (which is very easy to do). Maybe those who have attempted to put distance between us... well, not sure about that. Do they think I am dying and they don't want to be close? Do they see some of the things that have happened and don't want to associate themselves with that or with me or both? Then I think about people that I may have done that to. People who I was close to once, and when they had a crisis occur, was I there for them? Did I drift away? Did I push away? If you are reading this and I have not been there for you at a crisis point in your life, please accept my sincere apology. I am truly sorry. I have now been on the other side and know how this can feel. If I drifted away from you during a rough time, I am very sorry.  If I pushed away from you and put distance between us, I am so so sorry. I hope you can forgive me. 

I also think of those that have contacted me and kept up with me throughout this battle. WOW! What dedication you have! I cannot say thank you enough. This has been a battle and is not done yet. Thank you for all you have done. All the times you have messaged me on facebook. All the texts. All the times you prayed for me. Every time you see me and just say hey or touch my arm or back. Thank you. Thank you for taking me to lunch. Thank you for checking in. Thank you for taking me to chemo. Thank you for stopping by. Thank you for the financial gifts. Thank you for the other gifts. Thank you for the gift cards. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I cannot say thank you enough. God has used you. You love has been shown. Whether you love me, my husband or my family or you just love the Lord, Your love has been visible in all these things. Thank you. 


I think that is a good place to end today..... 

Thank you all.... Love and peace to all... make today count.