Here I am on a Monday. Trying to focus, but my brain can't.... Why? Not sure... Is it chemo overload? Is it just general overload? Is it school burnout? I'm not sure. Could be a combination. So what is going on?
Well, I have three more chemo treatments to go. I'm glad. But also anxious. It is kind-a a let down because I have become so accustomed to having this as a part of my life and see the nurses there. It has been a bit of a social life for me. That's sort of sad, isn't it? But, it is what it is. My social life was never much anyway. Each treatment depends on what my blood count is on the days of treatment. My white blood cells have been low still, but not low enough to not have chemo! My hemoglobin has been low or on the low end of normal as well. But again, not low enough to need a blood transfusion. My brain is so fuzzy. It seems more fuzzy the first 3 or 4 days after chemo, starts to clear a bit, then more chemo. I've started having nausea again after chemo. I get nauseous when the steroids wear off. Not enough to throw up (which is good I guess because I hate to vomit) but you know how you sometimes think if I could just throw up, I would feel better? Yeah... It's like that, but no vomiting. I also have the chemo taste in my mouth. I taste the chemo as it is going in and then I taste it for three or four more days.... then it goes away and I have a day or two and then I go back for chemo. On those days, jolly ranchers are a great help because the sourness helps cut the taste and if I eat something spicy or tomato based, the acid helps cut the taste. The taste is just ECK... it's like metal and medicine and medical alcohol all in one taste in my mouth.
School is progressing. I really do not like my TA. She is so flippin nit picky. The thing is, she doesn't criticize my actual work, she picks apart my references and the format of my typing. All papers must be written in APA format. I have been doing this for 2 years. I have never had a TA nit pick like this. The date wrongly formatted. This word was capitalized, this word wasn't. Just stupid crap. I change something that she tells me is wrong. Then she tells me what I changed is wrong as well, when I changed it the way she told me to! UGH!
When I say Dr Filix the last time, he told me to live my life. To enjoy every day and just live my life. Don't focus on the cancer. Don't think about recurrance. He explained that I could still have some cancer cells in my body, but they are likely dormant cancer cells. The chemo is killing all the active cancer cells. But the chemo cannot kill the dormant cells. It can't kill them because they are dormant. He said those dormant cells could remain dormant the rest of my life. Those dormant cells could also choose to become active again at some point in my life. If they become active, then the cancer has returned. Of course, if the cancer returns, I have no breasts, so it could come back as bone cancer, lung cancer, liver cancer or worst case, brain cancer. So, live my life. Enjoy my life. Only God knows if my cancer will return. If it does, we will deal with it then. So, I will keep doing what I'm doing now (finishing chemo) and then will live my life!
Of course, after my chemo is over, I will go on oral meds. I will start out on Tamoxifen. I will take that for about 3 - 4 years. Only 3 - 4 years because I am presently not in "real" menopause. I AM however in chemopause. I have the effects of menopause, but it's all induced from the chemo. After 3 - 4 years, I will switch from Tamoxifen to Arimidex because by then I should have definitely reached menopause. Overall, I will stay on these meds for 10 years. Then what? I don't know... Just live my life. Life my life and trust that God has it under control.
Because of the chemo and the steroids, I have put on about 20 pounds. My clothes don't fit like they used to. The nurses and everyone tells me it will come off when the chemo ends. I hope so. I feel like my belly is huge. Of course, it doesn't help that I have no breasts. So, I just see the belly.
My hair is still trying to come back. It's grey. It's very very short. Not even long enough for a barrette or anything, but it does interfere with my wigs. It makes my wigs not want to stay on my head as much. So, I have to wear a wig cap when I wear my wigs now. What a hoot. While I'm comfortable at home not having a cap or scarf or wig on, I'm not comfortable doing that in public. However, I am ok not wearing my breasts all the time in public. But I always wear them to church.
The other thing after chemo for a few days is my face, hands and feet feel tight and full. Like I'm holding water in my feet, hands and face... it goes away a day or two before chemo... then it comes back... UGH! My face just feels fat...
I was blessed to be able to speak at the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer event here in Springfield! The blogger says the video of me speaking is too big for me to upload here, but here's a photo of me afterwards. :) And of course, one by my ribbon. My daughter also shared in the event by singing the National Anthem. I was very proud of her.
That week was a busy week. Rebekah and I also went to the Ladies Night Out for Breast Health. It was held at the Hollenbeck Center. They had speakers and dinner and gifts for survivors as well as raffle prizes. It was a great night and good time. Of course, I wore one of my wigs (Raquel) and my breasts. I received a glow stick wand. That made me happy. I got to use some of my magical powers that night. 
Some other blessings have come in the form of financial blessings. Brad and I are still trying to live on his income (which is 2/3 less than mine). Then something will hit that we aren't planning for. Let's be honest. We are not planning for ANYTHING to hit us financially. We are planning on just surviving until I can go back to work. The starter went out in my car. Usually an easy fix and as car parts go, not HORRIBLE. Well, when we sold Brad's truck to have money to live, we used some of that money to buy a vehicle to get around in. We got a 2005 VW Beetle. We purchased it from an auto repair shop where the original owner had taken it and then could not afford the repairs due to several unfortunate circumstances in his life. We purchased the car for the price of the repairs, so really great deal. Well, the starter went out. We checked all the auto parts stores here in town. The price was comparable to other starters on other cars we have had. However, after Brad purchased the starter, it was not correct. It did not match the one he pulled out. Grrrr. He went to several auto parts stores in town. None of them matched. He had to call a VW dealer here in town and have them order one for him. Well, with VW, parts are not always in town. Also, parts are not always in the United States. Most times, parts for VW's are actually in Germany and you have to wait for it to come from there. Fortunately for us, there were THREE starters in the United States. So, we only had to wait a few days for it to make it here to Springfield. The original cost of the starter was $500. $500!!!!!!!!!!! (do you hear my panic and feel the sick feeling in my stomach? But because of where Brad works, they ran it through his company. (We paid). That dropped the price to $400 (still sick and freaked out). But... The price drops down to $300 when we give them the old starter (the core). ok... better still... Then at the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer event, I won the 50/50 raffle... I got $94 !!! That drops it down close to $200. That is better still. Then because of my friend Debra Heckler, someone donated money to our gofundme account. https://www.gofundme.com/27jv7dgb and then I ran into a coworker last week and she gave us a financial gift. There have been many who have given us financial gifts. I cannot thank you enough. I feel awkward having a gofundme account. I feel awkward receiving financial gifts. Some have given us so much. Some have given smaller amounts. Let me tell you, $5, $50, WHATEVER! It has been such a huge blessing to us. God has provided and I believe God provided thru Debra starting the gofundme account. There have been people who have donated anonymously. Thank you Anonymous! There have also been people who have sent us gift cards. Thank you! Seriously, there are no words. I have seen God work in others lives and our lives throughout this ordeal. It has been great. Without these financial gifts, Brad and I would not make it through this. Seriously. Without people's generosity, we could not have survived this long. I am grateful for everything that has been given to us and I continue to pray that the generosity of others will continue. I know that God will continue to see us thru. :)
I had a new panic last night. I asked Brad if he has life insurance on me. He is not sure. Oh my gosh! I'm panicked. What if I die? Like, what if I go out and get hit by a bus or am in a car accident? He does not have life insurance on me. I used to have life insurance on myself, but when my long term disability was denied and then I was out of work for 6 months, my company dropped my insurance. I lost my vision, dental, life insurance... Thank the Lord that Brad carries the medical. So..... now we have to pray that I don't get hit by a bus!
For those of you wondering, yes, I appealed the denial of my Long Term Disability. I have heard nothing at this point. I keep praying and have been praying extra hard these last few days about it. Please pray for me as well. I feel my appeal letter was very great and had excellent points. I also filed a complaint with the Ohio Department of Insurance. They feel I have a very good case as well. I had a friend who is a paralegal assist me in my appeal letter. But, no word yet. Brad does not feel that I will win the appeal. I feel there is a chance. There is no chance if you don't try. If I think about that situation too long, I get really really angry and hurt. I feel betrayed. I put trust (and money) in something that did not matter. Of course, isn't that what Jesus tries to tell us all through the New Testament? Don't put your trust in man, put your trust in Me. Men will always fail you. Jesus will not. I just feel embarrassed that I trusted a system and man. My hope should not have been in them, but in the Lord alone.
I guess that is a lesson I have learned. My hope is in Christ. I have always loved the Lord but as with anyone, I sometimes also think that things of this world will also be there for me. That's wrong.
Something else that hit me over the weekend were a couple of scriptures from Proverbs 16. Proverbs 16:1 - We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer. Proverbs 16:9 - We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps. Proverbs 16:33 - We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall.
I had plans. I had made plans. But just because I made these plans, God determined how they were going to go and what steps I would take. I had plans before I found a lump on January 29. The Lord determined new steps. I threw the dice on March 14 when I had a lumpectomy. The Lord had those dice fall a different way than I thought... that's why on March 29 I had a double mastectomy. I had plans for May 9, to return to work... The Lord gave me HIS right answer and showed me new steps and did not allow me to return to work due to my reactions to chemo and the weakness and low blood counts I would have to endure. I had plans to finish my bachelor's degree. So far, the Lord has said, Sara you are going to keep taking those steps towards your bachelor's degree. You are going to feel rough doing it. You are going to struggle. But after all that your bachelor's degree will be more sweet.
What other plans have I had that maybe will not be achieved in the steps that I thought?
Something to think about this week....
thanks for listening!
Love and Peace... Sara
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