How did I get to a new oncologist and what was the deal with the bad of Tamoxifen? I will attempt to address that here...
So, I went in September for my check up with my oncologist. Leading up to that time, I had sunken to an all time low. Lower than I had ever been in my life. So low. I didn't care if I lived or died. I felt completely dead inside. There was one thing I could trace it all to. Tamoxifen.
When I went on Tamoxifen, I had to stop Wellbutrin. An antidepressant (an SSRI to be exact). SSRI's reduce the efficacy of Tamoxifen. I followed blindly. Like a lemming. Now, keep in mind, what happened to me does NOT happen to all people. I'm just special. :)
My doctor that handles my antidepressants adjusted my medication to make up for the loss of the SSRI. That was fine. I was going to be ok. I just knew it.
Life went on. I went on vacation. I got a new job. I loved my new job. I lost some weight. Summer came. I auditioned for a musical and got in. Went to rehearsals. All the while I declined. My fatigue did not improve. My mental state did not improve. In fact, they got worse.
I never really talked about it to anyone. I was cancer free! Wasn't life great? My surgeon told me that PTSD was normal. So, I went to my doctor and was placed on anti-anxiety medication. This is normal. I just needed more help. I had PTSD. Life is going on.
While life went on, I continued to decline. I got to a point that I would come home from work and just sit and stare. Seriously. That's what I did. I would go to rehearsal or see my dad in the nursing home and sit and stare at the TV or whatever. In that time, my dad died. I declined further. My dog died. Further down.
Life was going to improve. We were going to go on vacation to Myrtle Beach. The BEACH! The ocean! I love the ocean. The Sun... my grandson was going to start kindergarten. Life was good! I still declined...
I started crying every day. But not like crying crying. Just having tears roll down my face. Brad told me he had serious concerns about me. I told him (finally) I would do whatever he wanted. I just didn't care. I would do it, but I didn't think it would matter.
The show we were in went on. We performed. I was miserable. I was dead inside.
I went to my oncology appointment. A Week prior, I had labs drawn. The labs showed I was post menopausal. Of course at the lab visit, the office staff told me I was wrong about the date of my visit. It seems they saw that there were two appointments scheduled and took it upon themselves to cancel one. I thought I had done that when I scheduled the second appointment. They screwed it up. Blamed me and I cried. and cried. and cried. I saw the oncologist. I had written out a ton of questions. Brad had to ask them because all I could do was cry. Just sat there with tears rolling down my face. I was told that I needed to go to therapy. I said I wanted to go off the tamoxifen so that I could get back on the wellbutrin. I was asked why I went off the wellbutrin. Well, because you told me to. I need to get back on it. I was told that there may be some new studies that show you can take SSRI's while on Tamoxifen. (since when? what?). I just needed therapy and a positive attitude. You're fine. So, my oncologist VERY reluctantly agreed to let me go off tamoxifen and start arimidex. (which i was previously told I could do if my labs showed i was post menopausal).
I left that day and cried and cried and cried. But I was STOPPING the Tamoxifen. End of story. and that weekend... my husband took me away. and that was when I started to breathe again.
Sunday, February 11, 2018
Cancerversary
Well... I hit my second Cancerversary. It's been two years since I heard the words "you have cancer". Oddly, it was two years ago today that I posted on Facebook that I had cancer. I told my family and close friends first. Then I told my co-workers... then after some dust settled and I had seen the surgeon, I told the world.
That's funny. A Funny statement. The dust settled. The dust hasn't settled. Not really. It's been two years and for two years I've been fighting. The fight hasn't ended. Two years in and I wonder if it ever will.
So, what has happened in this past year? So much!
I went on Tamoxifen after I finished chemotherapy. I had to because my cancer was estrogen and progesterone driven. Because of that, I am "required" to take antihormonal medications (a type of oral "chemo"). So, I took the Tamoxifen. It caused me a TON of fluid retention. I caused me to go into depression I hadn't known since my mom and grandma died and to go further into depression that even that. (partly because I couldn't take the one antidepressant that helped me because it reduced the effeciacy of the Tamoxifen). It caused me to want to die. It caused my heart to feel nothing but death. But, I was reducing the chance of recurrance. Not a fair exchange.....
I also got a new job. The job I had when I was diagnosed did not hold onto my position. They held my job for me MUCH longer than legally required by the federal government. They decided, AFTER, I was released to return to work (only part time) that they could no longer hold my position for me. So... I was jobless. So, I looked and waited upon the Lord. I listened to Him and waited... and waited... and waited... What seemed like an eternity to me, was not. I started my current (and I hope my LAST) job on March 20, 2017. I hope this is my last job for many many reasons. :)
I lost some weight. Not nearly enough, but some. I lost the steroid face! That was AWESOME!
I got new boobs! No, I didn't have reconstructive surgery. But, because I got a new job, I had new insurance. So, I was eligible to get new prosthetic breasts! These are so much better than the old ones and a bit bigger and even more realistic! I also got swim boobs! So, this week, Rebekah and I are going to look at a mastectomy shop for a swim suit top that will hold my swim boobs!
I also changed oncologists! Such a great thing for me. I now see Dr Williams at The James Comprehensive Cancer Center at The Ohio State University. Such a great decision. Wish I had done it so much sooner.
So... I went off the Tamoxifen. That in itself is a story. ( I will post a blog entry on that, hopefully later this week). Thought I was post menopausal. Found out I wasn't. Then I found out a month or so ago, that I finally truthfully am!
I am now on Arimidex. It blocks the hormones too, but doesn't shut down my ovaries since they shut down on their own.
I have survived another year. I wish I could say I have done more than survive, but that's not factual. I've not. I've survived. I know that is an accomplishment, but I wish I had more. But don't we all sometimes? This has been a year of learning. Not one I would wish on anyone... But It's been another year.
Another year of being with my husband. Another year of watching my kids. Another year of loving on my grandkids. Another year of learning. Another year of meeting new people. Meeting new friends. Another year of seeing where God will take me. Another year... That's a gift. Not everyone gets another year.
Thank you for another year.
That's funny. A Funny statement. The dust settled. The dust hasn't settled. Not really. It's been two years and for two years I've been fighting. The fight hasn't ended. Two years in and I wonder if it ever will.
So, what has happened in this past year? So much!
I went on Tamoxifen after I finished chemotherapy. I had to because my cancer was estrogen and progesterone driven. Because of that, I am "required" to take antihormonal medications (a type of oral "chemo"). So, I took the Tamoxifen. It caused me a TON of fluid retention. I caused me to go into depression I hadn't known since my mom and grandma died and to go further into depression that even that. (partly because I couldn't take the one antidepressant that helped me because it reduced the effeciacy of the Tamoxifen). It caused me to want to die. It caused my heart to feel nothing but death. But, I was reducing the chance of recurrance. Not a fair exchange.....
I also got a new job. The job I had when I was diagnosed did not hold onto my position. They held my job for me MUCH longer than legally required by the federal government. They decided, AFTER, I was released to return to work (only part time) that they could no longer hold my position for me. So... I was jobless. So, I looked and waited upon the Lord. I listened to Him and waited... and waited... and waited... What seemed like an eternity to me, was not. I started my current (and I hope my LAST) job on March 20, 2017. I hope this is my last job for many many reasons. :)
I lost some weight. Not nearly enough, but some. I lost the steroid face! That was AWESOME!
I got new boobs! No, I didn't have reconstructive surgery. But, because I got a new job, I had new insurance. So, I was eligible to get new prosthetic breasts! These are so much better than the old ones and a bit bigger and even more realistic! I also got swim boobs! So, this week, Rebekah and I are going to look at a mastectomy shop for a swim suit top that will hold my swim boobs!
I also changed oncologists! Such a great thing for me. I now see Dr Williams at The James Comprehensive Cancer Center at The Ohio State University. Such a great decision. Wish I had done it so much sooner.
So... I went off the Tamoxifen. That in itself is a story. ( I will post a blog entry on that, hopefully later this week). Thought I was post menopausal. Found out I wasn't. Then I found out a month or so ago, that I finally truthfully am!
I am now on Arimidex. It blocks the hormones too, but doesn't shut down my ovaries since they shut down on their own.
I have survived another year. I wish I could say I have done more than survive, but that's not factual. I've not. I've survived. I know that is an accomplishment, but I wish I had more. But don't we all sometimes? This has been a year of learning. Not one I would wish on anyone... But It's been another year.
Another year of being with my husband. Another year of watching my kids. Another year of loving on my grandkids. Another year of learning. Another year of meeting new people. Meeting new friends. Another year of seeing where God will take me. Another year... That's a gift. Not everyone gets another year.
Thank you for another year.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)