Rambling ......

More randomness..... 

It's Saturday.... Brad is out working in the yard.... Jaxson is helping him. Cody worked last night.... Tucker is out for a nap.... I'm in the house.... 

This week has been odd.... I've been more nauseous this week than I have been in awhile... I HATE the cough I have. I realize that it is primarily from chemo... It is also from my Arthur heritage... and my allergies.... plus, it could always be worse... I could be vomiting. So, all in all... not bad.... I'm just tired.... and nauseous... ;) 

It's been odd not having Rebekah here. It's like getting used to her going to college all over again. Except this time, there is no coming home for breaks or weekends. It's a new learning sensation. 

I have done a lot of thinking about a lot of things. One, I am concerned about college this fall. I have one semester left and I will have my bachelors degree. I'm concerned. Why? Because I have to do a preceptor-ship AND I will be going thru chemo thru mid-October. Of course, this is a different kind of chemo than I have been going thru currently. So, I do not know how my body will react. I'm anxious about it. Self doubt has been a companion of mine since I was very young. 

I've been trying not to post my concerns on Facebook as much. People don't want to hear the same old song over and over. It's boring and whiny and yuk! 

I love my grand kids, I really do. But sometimes I wish Brad and I could just have some alone time. Like more than one or two nights. I miss that. I really miss that since I was diagnosed with cancer. 

Things never stop here. I mean they never stop. It is like a train going and you either catch the train or get drug behind it. Seriously... you are on this ride whether you like it or not... you can be on the ride or dragging behind it getting tossed and turned and beat up.... Sometimes I'm on the ride.... lately, a lot, I'm getting drug behind..... 

This next week is my week off from chemo... that's scary. The last couple times I've had a week off, I've not been so nice to get along with. I'm watching the signs this time and trying to stay on top of it. 

I've been off work for 4 months now. FOUR MONTHS!! I wonder a lot what it will be like when I finally get to go back. I wonder how many emails I have. I also wonder how many voicemails I have. Yes, I set my out of office.... I set it on my email and my voicemail, but people don't read those and people don't listen. I'm sure my voicemail is full and I'm sure I have thousands of emails. And I'm sure a lof of those want immediate answers. Probably some from April or May... I've been out since March.... People will be mad... Why didn't you answer me? I left you 5 voice mails? Well, probably because I've been fighting cancer! 

Some days this doesn't feel like a fight. Some days it definitively does. Most days it just feels like.... well, how do I describe it? I'm tired almost every day. Some days more tired than others. Some days I don't want to move. I just want to sit. But my mind.... My mind goes 100 mph... It thinks of things... 

It thinks of my job and my desk. Do I remember how to do my job? I'm sure my passwords have long expired. Do people from work think about me? They have gotten along for 4 months without me.... do they really need me? I'm not getting paid anymore. I used all my sick time. Brad says God will provide. I have seen Him provide in some awesome ways... but will He get tired of providing for me? Some women work thru chemo. Why can't I? I mean, I can't.... but why? Why does it affect me like it does? Why does it make me so tired and weak? Why is performing my normal daily activities (ADL's to us nurses) wear me out? Why does doing a load of laundry take me down? School would be good for me mentally, but will I physically be able to? I want to graduate, believe me! I want to graduate very badly. I see things around the house that need done, but I can't do them. So I think of those... My poor husband... I have tried to stop talking about it because he only works 60 - 70 hours a week then comes home to me. He doesn't need that crap. 

I've been thinking about my hair a lot lately... when it comes back, what will it be like? Everyone has an opinion about it. It may be curly. It may be gray. It may be poker straight. It may be coarse. Part of me really wants to see.... part of me does not at all. Part of me wonders why I don't wear a wig more often. I thought when I started this I would wear a wig all the time. Of course, I also thought I would be working. So.... I thought I would be going places........doing things.... 

Right now when I go places, its short drives or walks.... I'm not going to the grocery.... I basically don't go anywhere... When I do go, if it's going to be any kind of distance.... we take the wheelchair. I don't have the energy or strength to walk most places. If we go to Wal-Mart I'm in the chair. Any store.... We went to the park a week or so ago to a concert.... In the wheelchair.... It's embarrassing to a point. I'm 47 years old and have to go in a wheelchair to most places because I am so weak.... But you have cancer.... blah blah blah.... There are other people that have cancer that don't do this... But you're not them.... blah blah blah.... 

I keep thinking that I'm gonna feel better..... I will.... I know I will..... 

I look at the calendar and maybe that's bad.... It's not my friend.... I see that I have chemo until mid-October...  Then after that, radiation... that will last until sometime in December.... 

Oh, she's depressed, you're thinking. Yes. Yes I am.... I've been on antidepressants since 1996. I went to my doctor a couple weeks ago and she tweaked my meds.... It's cool.... It's expected, right? 

Well..... I'm off to see what all is going on...  :) I'm glad to be able to...