The Beginning.

I wanted to start a blog about my personal breast cancer journey. The reason being, this is all new to me and I need a way to get my feelings and thoughts out. Plus, I want somewhere I can look back on this when I come thru the other side. 

So I am 46 years old. I am a Registered Nurse.  I was diagnosed officially with breast cancer on February 8, 2016. The journey leading to that day was FAST. On Friday January 29, my husband (Brad) and I were laying in bed. He reached over and felt my left breast and said immediately "Sara, what's that?" I said, "I don't know, a lump I guess." He was very upset. I said, "relax, my mammogram is scheduled for Monday... There's nothing we can do right now anyway, so I'll go Monday and get my money's worth, haha"
I deal with crisis a lot of times with humor and sarcasm. 

So Monday February 1 comes. I go to the imaging center and go back for my mammogram. They ask if I am having any problems with my breast. Casually, I say "Well, I found a lump this weekend." Whoa! That changes things, I'm told.... They need to call my doctor and see if they can get the order changed from a screening mammogram to a diagnostic. So, back to the waiting area, half naked with a cape over me and a robe around me. Waiting... Waiting... Finally they get the ok from my family doctor, which is actually a Physician's Assistant. She says ok.... So, I get a "diagnostic mammogram". This entails initially 2 pics of both breasts, then the left one gets like 4 or 5 other shots.... "and this one is the money shot, so we need your breast as compressed as possible". "Ok, Sara, I'm going to take these photos to the radiologist, she may want to do an ultrasound. Sit here in this room, you can move privacy." 
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The tech returns, "Sara, we are going to do an ultrasound. They will come get you in a minute when they are done with the person they are with." So, half naked me, waits... finally into the ultrasound room. There, the tech lubes me up and looks at my breast.... "Did you say you found one lump?" yes...... "There's a smaller, second one." (ugh)...... "let me look at your lymph nodes too"... "those look good, nothing is jumping out at me." I notice the entire time, she is measuring and then running blood flow through the lumps.... As a nurse, I know this isn't good.... "Ok, Sara, I'm gonna show these to the radiologist. Just stay there, I'll be right back."

The tech and the radiologist come in. "So, we would like to do a biopsy on your lumps. It's just standard and I would want this done to anyone, myself, my best friend." Ok, when.... well, not today, they are booked. So... I have to schedule.... 

Fast forward to Wednesday... I leave work early and meet my husband at home. He takes me to the biopsy. Wow... what an adventure.... My breast is cleansed and sterilized... sterile ky jelly on my breast... a small area cleaned off again... Then the radiologist starts injecting my breast with lidocaine. I watched on the ultrasound monitor. I could see the needle going down in my breast, the lidocaine flowing in my breast. Then she asks if I can "feel this".... Yes, I feel something... "Do you feel pressure or pain?" Well, just pressure, I guess... "Well, good... I'm cutting you"... So she makes an incision and through that she starts retrieving tissue... She used a core needle and retrieved 3 samples from the "small" lump.... then she went for the big one... She retrieved 2, was not happy with one.... went for a third... that one I felt... OUCH! It was a grabbing pulling snatching feeling. I said "That one kind of hurt a little"... "Like a pinch?" yes.... "Oh, well we got a really good sample." Oh joy.... "so one more, ok?" Like I have a choice! I'm on my back, half naked.... I'm gonna say no? Finally, she goes back down in the breast to place "clips" in the lumps... just in case they are benign, then on future mammograms, they will know that THESE sites have been biopsied before.  So she finished up and one of the techs had the joy of standing there applying pressure to my breast to stop the bleeding. That was a fun 20 minutes... not awkward at all! Then when I finally quit bleeding, had antibiotic ointment applied and steri strips to close me up... I am ushered off to get another mammogram.... We need record of where the clips are. 

I was sent home with a couple ice packs for my breast... I rested and had to tell my precious grandsons I couldn't pick them up. I was restricted to lifting 5 pounds or less for a couple days.... I had been told my results should be to my doctor by Friday and they would fax me the results too. 

Thursday of that week.... I had prayed and prayed... "God, please give me a sign.... I need to know, is it cancer or is it not?" Not all times when I have prayed for a sign has God given me one.... But sometimes he has.... I said to God... "I need to see one of these words and that will tell me what this is... I need to see benign, malignant or cancer. If I see one of these words, I will know what my diagnosis is." I'm a nurse, so coming across these words on a daily basis is not going to be hard.... Well, oddly, I pull up MSN... The first three things I see are articles on cancer, breast cancer and cancer. I tell my husband about this.... I just listened... Until the next day.... He got an email on his phone from Runner's World. It started out like this "Aerobic exercise beneficial for breast cancer". He came home "you and your stupid signs.... guess what happened today?" Not the story I wanted to hear.... I mean, it happened to me, but then to him? UGH! 

So, Friday... I waited til around 9, then I called my doctor's office. I told them I had a breast biopsy done and was told the results could be sent to them today... if the results come in, could they call me? Before noon, my cell phone rang... It was Danielle's office (my PA). Her nurse said "Hi we got your preliminary biopsy results, can you come in so we can review them with you?" Sure... when? I was transferred to the receptionist, she scheduled me for Monday afternoon (I thought it through and decided I didn't want this information before I went to work, I would rather have it at the end of the day so I could process it some.). Then they call back... could I come in a little sooner because Danielle wanted me in for more than a 15 minute appointment. At the time they called, my friend (who is also my daughter's future mother-in-law) was sitting at my desk. I told her it doesn't look good. 
I called Brad.... he was quiet.... I asked, do we tell the kids? Yes, but tell them we don't know, but it doesn't look good..... He told our son... I told our daughter.... both were very upset.... Our son, Cody, didn't say much.... Our daughter, was upset and wanted to know when I was going to the doctor, she wanted to come home from college and be here to hear the news in person.... 

The weekend was so long.... my future son-in-law texted me encouraging things... my daughter was silent for the most part... mostly, friends let me be.... which was good... I was really trying to process and prepare myself... On Sunday, my husband told our minister so that he could pray prior to results... it was long and anxious.... Monday would come and be so slow.......