thoughts on cancer

So, I've been thinking... well, not just that past few days, but like since February 8th... 

I think about what cancer means to me... what has cancer done to me... what do I think about my life now... what does life mean to me now.... what does my family mean to me.... what do friends mean to me.... what does Jesus mean to me.... what does work mean to me.... so much.... 

So.... not sure if everyone is like this, but my mind doesn't stop... it just goes and goes and goes.... it runs all the time. My husband, Brad says my mind is a dangerous place because it doesn't stop and it thinks ALL THE TIME... I hate to say I agree, but I agree... my mind just goes and goes and goes... 

So.... when I was diagnosed with breast cancer (February 8, 2016), we were at my primary physician's office. She didn't mince words. Didn't fiddle fart around. She came in to my little room, sat down, opened my chart up and said "So, we got your biopsy results back and you have breast cancer." Those are words you don't forget. It's a day you don't forget. A lot of people will say that after their doctor said the words "you have cancer" they didn't hear anything else. I remember everything. At least I feel like I do. My husband may have a different story. I asked her how bad. How much information she had. She said they complete biopsy report wasn't back, but she would double check. She also told me she had set me up an appointment with a surgeon for 2 days from then. She left the room to check for a more detailed biopsy report. Brad paced the room. He cried. He was so devastated. I just calmly told him, it would be ok. It's going to be ok. Before we left that day, my physician prayed with us. I smiled and we left. It was funny when we checked out because the receptionist was ready to help us, but looked down and saw Breast Cancer as the reason for my visit and sort of rushed us out. She was uncomfortable. We came home and both are kids were there waiting to hear... I told them I have cancer. Brad said repeatedly, I think we caught it early. They were both devastated. I was freakishly calm. 

A million and one things have happened since then... I had a ton of tests completed. Including finding out that my breast cancer was positive for being a genetic tendency or issue. It simply happened. My paternal grandmother had breast cancer. I don't know what kind though. I am going to discuss it with my oncologist at my next appointment. My breast cancer is positive for estrogen and progesterone. Meaning it is hormonaly driven. 

Then on March 14, 2016 I had a lumpectomy. It was thought, at that time, it would take care of my cancer. On March 23, 2016 I went for my first post op appointment. My surgeon's first words were "We need to talk". During my first surgery, she performed a sentinel node biopsy (meaning she took out the breast lymph nodes and had them examined by a pathologist for cancer). They do a very quick look because the patient is under anesthetic. They initially did not see any cancer in my lymph nodes. They also saw on my mammogram and ultrasound of my breast, 2 cancerous tumors. By the time I had this surgery, there were FOUR cancerous tumors. Well, we had to talk because upon further review, all three of the breast lymph nodes had cancer cells (2 had tumors) and there was a cancerous tumor in the lymph vessel in my breast. Also, the lump that was removed had FOUR tumors in it, not TWO (as I just mentioned). She told me she HAD to take my left breast and all the lymph nodes on that side. It was now my decision, do I want her to take the right breast too? I had 5 minutes to decide. I had to decide right now because she wanted me in surgery ASAP. As a matter of fact, if an OR was open the next day, I was going to surgery. I decided bilateral mastectomy. Take them both. It just made sense to me. We left and I was mad and hurt and scared. I cried and I cussed. I was just so upset! I thought things were handled... I was ok and was going to go back to work in a couple weeks... now, here I was preparing for a second surgery in 2 weeks time! My cancer was worse than expected and dang! I'm going to lose my breasts! 

May 3, 2016 I started chemotherapy. We thought it went ok, despite that during my chemo, the right side of my face went numb. I was going to return to work on May 9, 2016. Half time, but return none the less. On May 9, 2016 the bottom fell out. I couldn't hardly walk, hold my head up. I was puking, short of breath, so terribly weak. Brad came flying home from work and took me to the ER. They found nothing except breast cancer. My white cells were 1.5. After seeing my doctor the next day, he wrote me off work. 

So, here I am... in my second round of chemotherapy. My hair fell out during the first round. It is trying to return. It's somewhat there... about an 1/8 of an inch long. fuzzy like a peach. and gray... my hair is gray.... gray gray gray (or maybe grey!). 

I think about things all the time... what would I be doing if I didn't have cancer? I would be working every day. I would be getting paid. I would likely also be complaining that I was working every day. Ha! But, I would feel like I had a purpose. Right now I don't feel like I have a purpose. Sometimes I feel like I do, but mostly, I don't feel like I have one. I just exist. My grandsons love me and like to play with me. I made it thru my daughters wedding, which was a purpose I had. I am also 2 classes away from my Bachelors in Nursing. But is that much of a purpose? I don't know. I don't contribute to anything. The cat and dog think I have a purpose... that would be to feed them and love on them when they want it. The dog used to want love all the time, but she's almost 13. She would rather nap and be loved on when she wants it. The cat, well, cats are their own beings. So..... a lot of days, I feel like I don't have a purpose. I think of things to do and things that I could do, but with no energy level most of the time, the things I think of that I could do, I usually can't do because no energy. Oddly, it extends to funny things, like reading. If I have not read the book before, the energy required to read something new is amazing. My brain cannot focus on what I'm ready for very long and it becomes difficult to do. So.... I question my purpose.... my purpose now and my future purpose. 

When you hear the words you have cancer, most people think they have been given a death sentence. I didn't feel that way... but it is a death sentence. It's a death sentence to your previous way of life. Your entire thought process dies because it is a life altering event and you rethink everything! 

I really don't think this breast cancer is going to kill me. At least not now. But there are times when I have wished it would. I get sad and think about the state of the world and what is going on and I see sadness and death everywhere. It makes me sad. I also hate going thru chemotherapy. I don't recommend it to anyone! The first round was awful. Brad said I had a look in my eyes like I wanted to die. He has said it is gone now. But this round is hard in a whole new way! I never know if I will have energy when I wake up. I have weak weak legs most of the time. I have myalgias (pain) everywhere! Mostly in my legs, but also my arm. I feel like I am living in a limbo... alternate existance. I'm just .... here.... I also know that if I did die, I would go live with Jesus. However, I don't think I'm dying.... at least not now.... I'm just existing... 

What does life mean now? I'm not sure.... Life is precious. Life is fragile. But those are very trite, common things to say. I believe that, but it's still trite. However, I now think that life should be enjoyed and savored. I'm not sure if I have done that before. I really would like to do that now. Well, after all my treatment, I want to try to enjoy life more. I want to live it, not exist it.  

My family.... man... there are family members that have done some things for me that have been so unexpected and appreciated. I've had family give us money to help us along during this time, gift cards, take me to chemo, bring us meals, pray for me, pray for us. They have shown me love in word and deed. I have have had a great gift from my family. My family has shown me they love me and not everyone gets that. Most importantly during this time, my husband has sacrificed so much. He has given up time away from his job. He sold his truck to help our financial situation. He has sat with me at chemotherapy. Held my hand the many many times I have cried or had breakdowns. He took care of wedding issues (prior to our daughter's wedding). He takes care of the grand kids when I don't feel good. He loves me in so many ways. In word and in deed, he loves me. More than I truly deserve. But he loves me. 

Friends. I have had friends tell me and show me they love me. They have taken me to doctor's appointments, taken me to chemo, brought meals, gift cards, money, pray for me, pray for us. They have also shown me love in word and in deed. 

There have been people in my life that I have (I confess) been disappointed in. People whom I thought were closer to me, closer to us but have backed away when I was diagnosed with cancer. Of course, that happens. I'm sure I have done that as well. Now, well, now I feel guilty. 

I now feel guilty for so many things. Things that have happened in my life. I feel guilty for my brother. I feel guilty for things I have said and done.... Things from my entire life. I am an easily guilted person. I hate that my brother had to go to a nursing home. I hate that I became overloaded with a job I had. I hate that I didn't like a job I had but kept it up because I didn't know where else to go. I feel guilty for all those things. I feel guilty for not working. I feel guilty for having cancer. I feel guilty that because of cancer, I cannot do a lot. My mind thinks I can do so much more than I can and I feel guilty about that. I hate that I have pain in my limbs and that it slows me down. I feel guilty about that. I also hate that there are days when I have to put on a front for people or as Brad says, I have to be "on". It's like, when I go out or someone comes to see me or calls, I have to be "on". I have to be up and act like things are ok and going well. Even when things are not so great. Things may be crappy, but I have to say I'm doing ok. I'm alright. Life is good.... 

What does Jesus mean to me? Well, thru all of this, if I didn't have Jesus, I don't know how I would make it. He has pulled me thru, pushed me thru, walked hand in hand with me. It all depends on what is going on at the moment for me to say what He is doing on what is going on. Without Him, I would not be able to make it thru one day of this. He maintains me. 

I also hope that Jesus does this for everyone. If you don't know Him, I would like to introduce you. 

Ok.... that is all for now.... rambling for the moment completed.... 

Love and peace to all.... <3