another week of chemo

Each week is different... You never know what it's going to hold. But that is true for life in general. 

This past week, I came home from chemo on Friday and slept... then slept all night (after 2 ativan and a sleeping pill). I got up Saturday and had Cody push me in the wheelchair at the farmer's market. We got corn and spaghetti squash and some cheese. Then he pushed me over to the Culture Fest and pushed me around there. The boys loved it. Plus it wore them out. Brad had to work. We came home and, again, I took a nap. When Sunday hit... YIKES! I woke up feeling eh.... went to church. Left church and then lunch. I was nauseous most of the morning and Brad offered to take me home instead of to lunch with the family. I went with the family. Ate a grilled cheese... then home and to bed. Slept most of the day, got up for dinner and basically back to bed. I woke up nauseous this morning, but not as bad as yesterday. Some may say, maybe you had a virus... I don't think so, I think it was the chemo. 

Yesterday I was very emotional too. Very emotional. I spoke with someone at church that had a double mastectomy a week or two ago. She is doing ok. I'm glad. She and I talked again about radiation. She has already had her chemo, she had chemo first and THEN surgery. I had surgery and then chemo. Anyway.... none of her lymph nodes had cancer in them at the time of surgery. Prior to chemo, they felt 100% that at least one of her lymph nodes had cancer it in. The chemo and the Lord apparently removed it. However, when she went to the oncologist this past week, she had thought that because no cancer in the lymph nodes, no radiation. He told her there is a new study out that shows it may be beneficial to do radiation anyway. So she is going to an appointment with the radiation oncologist. I told her my concerns and that I see the oncologist on October 3 and am going to discuss them with him. 

At first my oncologist looked at my chart and said you will need radiation because you had a lumpectomy. Then looked further and said oh wait, you had double mastectomy, you do not need radiation. Well, no one has brought up that 2 of my lymph nodes had small cancerous tumors and 1 had greater than 200 cells of cancer in it and that a lymph vessel in my breast had a cancerous tumor in it. So, I am bringing it up. Brad asks why bring it up? Do you WANT radiation? No, I don't want it. I am afraid of it. But - what if I should have and I don't speak up so I don't get it and that could be the difference in me having a recurrence or not? Brad says I just don't think you need it. I don't like that they go back and forth. And now there's a new study? I think I get where Brad is coming from. My gut says he is saying all this because he doesn't want me to go through all this. He tells me all the time that he is sorry I have to go thru this. He wishes he could take it from me. So, I think that is where he is coming from, he doesn't want me to have to endure more. I really don't want to either, but I also don't want the fear hanging over me that I didn't do everything I possibly could! I'm scared. Point blank. I'm scared. I don't want this to ever come back. So, while radiation does not look appealing to me, if they think it's a good idea, I want it. So, October 3, I'm asking... I want more definitive answers. 

At this point, my chemo won't be over until November. Ugh... but it's ok.... Rebekah and my cousin Barbara are my usual companions for chemo. I took myself once and Brad came as soon as I got my numbers. He didn't want me there alone and really has concern on how I will be afterwards due to the benedryl. Sometimes I am still sleepy. 

I was thinking the other day. Sometimes this whole thing just seems surreal to me. Like, do I really have cancer? Is this really happening to me? It should seem real... I mean, I've had my breasts taken off. I've lost all my hair (and it's coming back). I go to the cancer center so stinkin much, I mean once a week or more! I'm not working, I'm not getting paid. But, do I feel like I have cancer? No... But what does it feel like to have cancer? I have no idea. 

Here's what I know... for over a year, I have felt like crap. I now know it was because I had cancer and didn't know it. However, is that what cancer feels like? I don't know. I just know I have felt tired and exhausted for over a year. Of course, that has gotten worse since I started chemo. I seriously still can't believe that this is real. I really have cancer. My grandmother had cancer. Breast cancer. She had a recurrence and it went to her bones. (another reason, I want to make sure it is gone!). This all seems like a very surreal experience and I still can't believe it is happening. 

I am scared. I shouldn't be, because I have the Lord. But I'm also human. I'm scared. I'm scared that I get to the end of my treatment and then what? It's not like I can have a mammogram to see if it has come back. I have no boobs! How do I know? Let me say, I am NOT afraid to die. I look forward to death as it means a release from my earthly troubles and will live with Jesus. However, I am afraid of going thru all this again. I want it done and over with in one shot. However, I do understand that if God allows me to go thru it again, I must accept it and do the best I can. This whole thing just overwhelms me. Its been so much to digest and accept. I mean, I was living my life and then it was turned upside down and inside out. I had to make life altering decisions in moments and that still continues. I have to hope and pray that even though they have reduced my dosage due to my low white blood cell counts, that it's still good enough to kill off any stray cancer cells. Saturday starts Breast Cancer Awareness month. I'm a part of that now because I have breast cancer and am considered a survivor. It's bizarre. It's a place I never thought I would be and still can't believe I'm there. I'm trying to get used to wearing my prosthetic breasts out places. Sometimes I feel ok with nothing, other times, I want my breasts. I still miss my real breasts, even though they were trying to kill me. I don't know... So much... 

In other news, finished my first class this semester. Two more til my bachelor's degree! WOOO! I have applied to graduate. Ordered my cap and gown. The thought makes me nauseous. I have to make it through this course (which I think I'll be ok) and then my senior project/ preceptorship. I have a great preceptor, Jennifer Bloom-Long, RN MSN ANP. I think my project is good. I just pray to do well so I don't have to repeat and I graduate on time. 

Also hoping that my bedroom gets switched around this week. I asked for it to be done by the end of the month... They are trying. God love them. They try. Brad works so hard, all week at work and then here at home. I see the tiredness and exhaustion in his face and eyes. I also see worry there. I love him. I pray for him and that he holds up thru this. 

My friend Debbie is going thru a tough time right now. Her husband has been admitted to hospice for his lymphoma. It has progressed severely now and they have said it is a matter of time. She has fought this battle with him for a few years now. I can't imagine what she is going thru. It has got to be incredibly difficult. Please pray for her. 

Thanks, as always, for listening. My love and peace to you. 

<3