still having swelling, still resting

     Well, here I am.... still resting and still having swelling.... but apparently, my impatience is not so good..... I feel like I should be back to normal (whatever that is) and am frustrated that I am not. I have learned it takes anywhere from 4 - 8 weeks for the swelling to go away.... I'm still tender at the incision sites and around there and especially around the lymph node removal area. UGH! I just want to feel normal, but I now have to find a new normal. 

     The swelling is nutty.... Where my breasts were, the little pockets, are fluid filled and the area above my incisions is very puffy and swollen. I am even swollen in my abdomen. The fluid has to go where it can. I've lost weight since surgery but have no idea how much because I have no idea how much fluid I'm holding. I AM glad about the weight loss. No matter what anyone says. I have a wedding in June! I need to get thin! ;) 

     I'm still nauseous. I'm not sure what that's about. Not sure if it's because I had 2 surgeries in 2 weeks or because of the emotional upset that all this has caused or because of the physical trauma my body has been through or a combination of all of this. But I'm nauseous. Eh.... ginger cookies and chai tea are so good for nausea.... At least for me. 

     I'm still tired. It's amazing at what makes me tired too. Going out to Wal Mart for a bit (like an hour) and I"m done... BOO! I used to RUN! Really run! I've done 2 half marathons! Not that I was fast, by any means, but I used to RUN! Now, my big activities are homework, working on decorations for the wedding and reading. 

     I've been discouraged the past week. Not sure why unless it's because I am so tired and still swollen and nauseous. My daughter, Rebekah gets discouraged because she searches the internet repeatedly looking for stories of women who have had a bilateral mastectomy and did not do reconstructive surgery. Everyone you talk to that has had this has IMMEDIATELY had reconstructive surgery. That was not an option for me because of the treatment plan. In actuality, if the additional tumors had been spotted PRIOR to the first surgery OR if we had known that there WAS lymph node involvement prior to the first surgery, I likely would NOT have had the first surgery, but would have had chemo and radiation FIRST.... THEN have had surgery after all that. So I am thankful that I had surgery first. It works out for the best. I would have been worried that the chemo was doing it's job while waiting to have surgery. 

     I also get down because I get scared about the chemo. I have asked a couple people about it. I have also been to "chemo education" at my oncologists. How I am going to react, no one knows. I have been trying to maintain a positive attitude. I just want to be able to work and to go to my daughter's wedding. I don't want to throw up. I have vomiting. 

     The sun has been out and warm the past few days. I have been outside enjoying the sunshine... just sitting and reading my books. After I start chemo, that is a no no. I start chemo on Tuesday May 3. I really sort of wanted to do Thursdays or Fridays.... but, the nurse said Tuesday is good because if I really start to feel bad, they can bring me back in there and give me IV fluids or other things during the week. The weekend, not so much. So, I placed it in God's hands and Tuesday afternoons it is. 

     I also get tired of not seeing and talking to adults. As much as I don't want to work, I need to see people! But it's all good..... God is leading me and walking me thru this. I am not alone. I have a wonderful husband who is with me. From the time he wakes up, he kisses me goodbye and texts me throughout the day to check on me. The moment he gets home, He is by my side. I have had people bring us meals and treats. That is always fun and unexpected and nice. It's just been odd. 

     I have said this before... If you would have told me last year, last November, or in early January that I would be going thru this journey, I would have laughed at you. Laughed hard. My life has turned upside down and inside out. God is faithful. He loves me. I know He does. I will share a story soon about how I know he loves me. 

Enjoy the day.... enjoy the sun... enjoy the warmth and enjoy each other....