I had really hoped that my DNA results (the BRCA test) would be in since it is the results of THAT test that determine my treatment and surgery. Words cannot tell how upset and frustrated I am... Yesterday, Brad called the genetics people twice. I called once. They spoke to both of us.... no results, but they are going to keep bugging the lab. I called again today... no results but she's going to keep "bugging them"... Well, guess what? I'm going to keep bugging her until we get the results! I know that there are many cancer patients but there is only one me! If Brad or myself do not stand up for me, I will get lost in the cracks. I'm a Registered Nurse... I know that that's what happens to people. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.... honey.... I'm squeaky!
It all really started Sunday night... My left breast (where the tumors are), felt tender to touch and painful where the tumors are. I messaged my oncologist... They answered me (all through email/ my chart). They said the tenderness could be the cancer. Oh joy. Both breasts were tender, but the left worse and the tumors hurt even when not being touched. I don't have a uterus (hysterectomy in 2010) but I still have my ovaries.... so it's possible that this tenderness and pain is from "ovulation"... however, my cancer is also hormone driven so that would make it more sensitive. However, this is of little consolation to me. Especially when I was initially told they try to get all patients to surgery within 18 days of diagnosis. That would have been last Friday, February 26. So, we passed that date.... This all started on February 1.... So a month ago....
So.... Here we are.... a month ago told I have breast cancer and still no definite plan... I DID call my surgeon's office and said I wanted a referral to a plastic surgeon because if I have to have a double mastectomy, I want reconstruction. My surgeon told me that they will start this as soon as my breasts are removed, the surgeon will step out and the plastic surgeon will step in and start the process. So...; while I wait, I may as well see the plastic surgeon... My surgeon's office called this morning and told me they were referring me to a doc that primarily practices in Dayton, but also has a Springfield office. Never heard from him today... So, I am calling in the morning and playing dumb and asking if I am supposed to call or what and telling them I will go to any office for an appointment. I don't care.... I just want seen.... and I want this to move..... like now... I want this cancer out of my body now! Then I think about my daughter's wedding. I will need chemo after surgery, but can't start that until a month after.... The first round will be like 8 weeks long... We need to move.... time is a wasting! I don't want to feel like CRAP at my daughter's wedding.
I'm scared and anxious and frustrated and tired and emotional..... I'm just done today! I spent a lot of time crying today and time crying at my desk... Someone at work saw me a bit later and asked if I had been crying.... So, again... with all the crying and the breast tenderness, maybe it IS "period" time...
I am trying to formulate a plan..... I realize that there is very LITTLE that I can do to control any of this..... I can only control my responses and my attitude.... Today and yesterday I have failed.... my responses and my attitude have sucked! I am sad and tearful and scared. I know, okay, I know that my God is bigger than cancer and bigger than doctors and bigger than tests..... and He is bigger than anxiety and depression.... but there are days that I just want to cry on Him and be sad... I also want to eat chocolate and ice cream and pout and feel sorry for myself.... I know that none of that is healthy and such.... but..... Then, my scripture says....
My initial plan at this point, is to message my oncologist tonight and say.... what do you think? I'm not getting test results, I'm really concerned and anxious, my daughter's wedding is coming faster and faster.... do I just have a double mastectomy or what.... will I for sure need chemo no matter what? (I need to know because if I do, I want my port placed during surgery). Then, I will wait for a bit tomorrow, likely til 11 or so and then call the plastic surgeon's office and the genetics people and say "Hey, what's up?" I need results and an appointment... let's rock people! Ok, I won't say it like that. But you get the idea. ;)
Also, not to be forgotten.... My coworkers have TRULY been the best.... they surprise me with posters for my walls, gifts and general good things and happiness and love and support... They are so good to me.... Today, this is what I get...
These people are so good to me.... I cannot say enough about what they have done.... I love them so much and appreciate all that they have done.... they just don't stop.... <3
So, overall, my requests from this rant are few:
- Please keep praying, not just for me but for everyone going thru this nonsense. Pray for those not fighting. They need more prayer.
- Pray that we get answers NOW. I am going nutty nuts.
- Pray for calmness and peace. God's perfect peace.
- Pray for a plan and appointments to fall into place.
- Pray that I can feel well for Rebekah's wedding.
- Be kind to one another.... you don't know who needs what.....
This is your journey, sweets. Cry, kick, stomp, laugh, eat chocolate, cry some more, handle business...laugh, love, lots of hugs and smiles. Whatever it takes :) Many prayers...from a member of your million man army :)
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