Waiting

     Well, here we are, waiting again.... HA! I think that we will have more waiting times to come... But, that's ok.... because what are the other options? 

     Last week, we saw 2 doctors... we were trying to make a decision. A lot of people have prayed... I feel like God has led me and I have decided that I am going to do a lumpectomy. I see my surgeon on Wednesday (3/9/16) and MY plan is that on that date I will at minimum sign consent forms and at BEST have a surgery date. My hope is that even if I leave her office withOUT a surgery date, that her office calls the next day with a surgery date. 

     So, a lot of ups and downs since last week. Can't say anything specific has had me up or down, just THIS... It has me back and forth. I know now what I want to do. However, I am scared at times about it. I think about the chemo, that makes me anxious. I am well aware that I need to let God run this journey... I am doing my best to let Him have control. I am doing my best to cast my cares upon Him.... it's not easy. I am trying. I have had a lot of "moments" when I have cried. Then moments when I am joking about this. 

 

     Rebekah had her hair done Saturday. My beauty salon has wig catalogs. I looked thru them and picked out a wig that will definitely be my "wedding wig" for Rebekah's wedding in June. It can be worn curly, straight or in an up do! This is the wig (to the left) and the color is the bottom color, butterscotch.  So.... I have that.... My hairstylist said I can drop the wig off early in the week the week of the wedding and then pick it up on the wedding day. So, that makes me happy... but sad at the same time. I don't want to lose my hair... but, I want to look good on my daughter's wedding day. So.... again, a lot of mixed emotions... 



     I had a migraine Friday night, then on Sunday went to Urgent Care because I felt strongly that I had a UTI. I was correct. Of course, the doctor at Urgent Care didn't take the time to update my "chart" there so she did not know that I had been diagnosed with cancer. Instead she chose to lecture me on my diabetes and that I need to control it better. There was a lot I wanted to say and chose not to. I really just wanted a script for antibiotics and to get out of there. I finally did. I went to Urgent Care because I felt horrible and didn't want to have to take MORE time away from work to go to MY family doctor... So, I guess you get what you get... Unbelievable.... So, thank you doctor for lecturing me.... I do think that maybe some stress in my life could also be causing some havoc with my diabetes.... Also, the fact that I had just eaten prior to coming to see you may also have had something to do with it (of course, when I tried to say that, you ignored me)... 

     We had some funny things happen over the weekend... My finger tips were shut in the bathroom door on accident, they are ok, it was funny, not at the moment, but funny... I screamed like a little girl.... scared the whole family.... Rebekah and I played Bunco Saturday with her future mother-in-laws (Dulce) Sorority. That was fun! The boys were here all weekend.... love those boogers... They go back tomorrow.... My latest class started up today (Monday).... 7 weeks long... It will be good.... 

     Today, some reality has tried to creep in... cried at lunch... scared.... anxious.... of course, not feeling well.... 

      But God is in control.... not me..... Good thing! 

There was so much I wanted to say.... now..... none of it seems important.... 

     So, we just wait until I go to the doctor again.... I'm hoping to have better answers mid week.... I'm hoping this time next week I'm preparing for surgery.... There are days when I wonder if this is really happening? I think the waiting makes it worse... because if this is real, again, why do I feel ok (except for the UTI)? Why is there no major rush? I feel like I have lived an eternity and it has truly only been a month....My life has taken a major turn and yet, I feel the same and nothing has changed yet....  I wonder what all will happen... and when....