Good Morning! 

It's Tuesday and I'm here. I'm so tired. Let me explain what tired means when I say it. It is more than just "I'm tired so I'm going to bed." or "I didn't sleep well last night, I'm so tired." Its more than that. I feel like I am in a nowhere land. I'm just floating there. I'm not sleepy, I'm tired. Like I just completed a half marathon tired. Every day I run a half marathon tired. I'm in this nowhere land that I'm floating along.... My body feels that way, my mind feels that way, my emotions feel that way. I'm just exhausted and it never goes away. There are times it just builds. So, if you ask how I am and I say I'm tired.... that's what it is. It's part of the side effects of this chemo. 

Well, I messed up last week and missed my chemo appointment. They called and sadly they could not get me in until the end of the week. This is because there are so many people getting chemotherapy right now!!! That's sad. So many people fighting this battle. All different, different diagnosis's, different chemos... but we are fighting. 

So, I went on Friday to get chemo... I didn't get to have it. My White Blood Cell count and my ANC (the little baby white blood cells just being created) were too low. So, they sent me on my way. When I go for chemo, the first thing they do is check my blood count. They get the results fairly quickly. Then they share the results with me and that tells if I get chemo. They shared the results with me and then went and spoke to Dr Filix. He said No.... So, my daughter and son-in-law took me to get lunch. I go back this Thursday to try again. Then on Friday I see Dr Filix. 

On Friday afternoon, I went to see my family doc. I said we have to do something about these blood sugars. She stopped the pill she put me on and placed me on a long acting insulin. sigh. I was relieved to be honest. Already since that has happened, my blood sugars are coming more under control. I called with an update yesterday and she increased my dose by 2 units. I'm to call in a few days with an update. My plan is to call after I get chemo this week and see what my blood sugar is the day after. I feel encouraged. 

I had a visit last week from a co-worker. It was so good to see her. Angie brought me a "sunshine basket". It was full of all kinds of goodies. And, she brought me a card from all my coworkers that had a monetary gift in it! Oh my gosh! I was so surprised and am extremely thankful. I truly am. It was also great to see Angie. 

My grandsons, in the meantime, both got fevers, runny noses and vomiting. Not good for me to be around with a low white cell count. I have no immunities to fight that crap off! So, I have had to quarantine myself and such. I hate that. I love those babies and want to be around them and they want to be around me. So that has been hard, but they are better and I think I can unquarantine myself today. There are times I feel like the "Bubble Boy" (not the "Boy in the Plastic Bubble" with John Travolta, "Bubble Boy" it's a comedy, a stupid comedy).

My college courses started back last week. I am THREE classes away from obtaining my bachelors degree in nursing. I will graduate (God willing) December 10. 

As most people know, I feel discouraged a lot. There are times that I feel forgotten. Forgotten by people and by God.  I have been reading a book by Dr David Jeremiah titled "When you world falls apart". I have been reminded as I have read this book that it's ok to be discouraged. It's ok to think that God has forgotten you, as long as you REMEMBER that God has NOT forgotten you. God Loves YOU! David felt discouraged and forgotten a LOT. He went thru so much turmoil. He was in hiding for years. He asked God frequently "How long will you forget me?" "How long must I endure this?" (Read the Pslams, you will see it). When Jesus died on the cross, he said "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" "Why did you forget me God?" For both of these men, God did not answer right away. God was quiet. He waited to answer. And when He DID answer, it was loud and proud. For David, he finally ascended to the throne. For Jesus, He ascended from the grave! WOW! They went thru absolute torture on this earth and then they were rewarded largely! Thankfully, the reward that Jesus received benefited all of us. But as I look thru the bible, there are many heroes of faith that went thru trials. Perhaps mental, physical, grief, financial, some combined trials... so many trials. But what happened? God did NOT leave them (even if they felt like it). God rewarded them when the trial was over. He was there all along. He didn't forget them, even if they thought He did. Look again at Job. He even calls out to God and asks why. He gets angry with God. He confronts God. Then of course, if you read on, God answers him. God tells him "listen up bud, I'm God and you're not. You weren't there when I created the world. You don't tell the moon when to shine or the sun where to hang. So, if I allow it, buckle up buttercup, it's happening and I'm gonna be there and take care of it." (actually, those aren't the words used, but it is my interpretation. So, right now, for me God is silent a lot. But He's still there. He hasn't left me. He is with me thru all of this. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to be discouraged and it's ok to ask God why and how long? But in the end, He has the final say and He will not leave me. As a matter of fact, at night, He watches over me and sings over me. You all know how much I love to sing! So, the fact that my Lord is singing over ME! WOW!!!! What a joy and encouragement. 

Thank you all for your prayers. Please keep praying. I'm here... I'm in nowhere land, floating along.... but I'm here... 

Love and Peace 

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17