No LTD for me

So, I last left off stating I was more than likely not going to get Long Term Disability Payments... 

I feel about 99% sure that I will not get it. Why? I recieved a long letter and a packet from my company's long term disability provider. The letter detailed that my claim was being reviewed by their medical team. That my first day of being insured with them for Long Term Disability was March 1, 2016. That any illness I have or had for 3 months PRIOR to that date would be considered a pre-existing condition. Well, slap me sideways sally. I was diagnosed with cancer on February 8, 2016. At least that's the day they told me... Does my diagnosis go back to the date they did the biposy? Whatever, it doesn't matter. Both dates are before March 1, 2016. So, the fact that I am off work because of breast cancer and have been off work since March 2016 (the first day of work I missed was March 14, 2016), but was actually diagnosed with the illness (ha! Illness, its flipping CANCER!) prior to March 1, I'm screwed. 

I read my company's policy or whatever the agreement that my company has with the long term disability people. If, even though I was diagnosed prior to my insured date, I worked with that illness for one year and one day and THEN went out, they would pay it. But because I did not work for one year and one day after being diagnosed, I'm screwed. I will not get disability pay. 

So, if you know me, you know how well I took it. I called the LTD people. Brad said, when they get on, give me the phone. He talked to them. He said to them, so you're telling me that three weeks makes the difference and this woman who has had two major surgeries including a double mastectomy and is going thru chemo will be punished because of three weeks? He said the woman said nothing. 

I had told Brad that I was going to go out to my employer's office the next day and talk to them face to face. He told me this was not a good idea. That I am still employed there and I was very emotional. He was probably right. He did offer to call one of my supervisors and discuss with him this issue and see if he could provide any insight. 

I was crying and crying hard. Finally, I really lost it. I cried and screamed and threw a royal temper tantrum. To be honest, I think I strained a vocal cord because the left side of my throat has been sore since then. I screamed and yelled and cried. I told Brad none of this is fair. I said although 90% of the time I handle not having breasts or hair pretty darn well. But there are times I'm still sad and still get mad. I see commercials for hair products and women with all this long hair or pretty hair color or things you can do to hair and I'm like, yeah I want to do that and then it hits me... I can't do that. I have no hair. When it comes back, it will take a long long time for it to be any length again... I yelled that I get tired of being tired. I hate chemotherapy. I hate cancer. and I really hate that I make no contribution to anything anymore. I can't go to work because I feel so crappy. Our family has to suffer because I can't financially help us anymore. I said multiple times this isn't fair. I want to know why. Why did this happen? I have tried to be a faithful servant to the Lord. I know I don't do all I should do. I don't read my bible like should. I don't do enough faithful deeds. Maybe this is punishment? Brad says no. I said you know, I started taking care of my mom when I was 14. Then when she got really sick I took care of her even more! I helped take care of her when I was pregnant with Rebekah. Then when her health took an even larger down turn I took care of her. I took care of her when she was staying at my grandmas, when she went back to her house and when she came out of the hospital after being there more than a month, we moved her into our house! Our two bedroom home, we gave up our bedroom and moved her there. I took care of her while raising a 5 year old and 2 year old and my husband changing shifts at work a lot (not his choice). I took care of her! Wasn't that something? I took care of my brother the best I could while he was ill and couldn't care for himself until he got too bad and I insisted he go to a nursing home. Is this my penance for that? Brad says no. It's not my fault that Ethan had to go to a nursing home. He was too ill and I had a full time job. I couldn't do it. Is it my penance because I couldn't visit him as often as I should in the nursing home before he died? Brad says no. He says he will not let me take blame for that. (Brad is a good man). 

I just cried more and said why? I don't understand. I said to Brad, I tell people all the time that I believe God is pulling me thru this. I truly believe he is, because if he weren't, I wouldn't be here today. But people don't know the moments like this. and then when I do get down, I hear just trust God more. Hang in there. God has this. This is temporary. I know it's temporary. I know God has this. But there are days and moments when I just can't take much more... Monday night was one of those moments. I couldn't take much more. I couldn't take anymore. I was done. Just done. More done than I had been in a while. Fed up. Tired. 

So... Tuesday brought a new dawn. Tired. Eyes terribly swollen. but a new day. Brad did speak to the HR supervisor at my work. He pretty much confirmed what we thought. Short of a miracle, I will not be getting paid long term disability. So... my money has gone... We have to survive on Brad's income which is 1/3 of of mine. So, our income is down. Significantly. Brad says, Sara, It's going to be ok. God has given him a peace. We are going to be ok. 

I am still crushed. I really thought we were going to be out of income for a month or so, and then be ok. I was wrong. VERY wrong. On the up side... because I truly do try to look for an upside. My car gets paid off this week. That is one payment gone. That will help. 
Brad is going to sell his truck. Not my favorite thing, but it's going to happen. We are trying to look for a cheap vehicle to purchase to replace it. One with good gas mileage. Cost very low to be able to save the money he gets from selling his truck. And of course, my friend Deb Heckler is trying to help by spreading the gofundme page she started for me. 

I also know that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and those crushed in spirit. The bible says we are pressed but not crushed. So maybe I'm not crushed, just really really pressed. I am struck down, but I am not yet destroyed. 

There are days I don't want to do any of this anymore. But my breast cancer support group says that's normal. They also say throwing the temper tantrums sometimes is normal... But sadly, I have to get back up and keep going.... 

So.... I'm going... I may have to crawl thru some of this fire, but I will crawl, walk, whatever I have to do... I'm gonna do it. 

I still love Jesus. I still follow Him. I still believe He is with me and will pull me thru. This week I've just been tired... He's carrying me... I believe that...