So, we are making it through another week. My doctor had to fill out MORE FMLA paperwork because I didn't go back to work. Which was very upsetting to me. I really wanted to go back to work. He has written me off work until the end of August if I need it. Which is nice and very generous, however, also depressing. I need to work... for a couple reasons... My brain needs the activity. I need the social interaction that work provides. and of course the money. I am sadly down to 60% sick pay and that runs out on June 6th. Then .... boom... it hits... It's scary.
Brad keeps reminding me that God has always seen us through (and yes he has, more times than I can count)... but doesn't He get tired of it? Like, oh my gosh! Those Espich's AGAIN?! As a parent, I would get tired of it. I would probably help my child, but still be frustrated with them. However, I can't see as God sees and I don't think as God thinks... So, I'm going to go with He is going to see us through. He loves me. I know God loves me. I know He knows I love Him. I'm just scared. The unknown is out there and scary.
So, besides all the tears I have shed in the last week, we are moving along... I had chemo this week which my doctor changed. He dropped the Cytoxan (per my request). I had such a bad experience on day 6 after the last dose and have heard so many things about they Cytoxan, including the symptoms I was having and how it only gets worse, I said no more. Was it the right choice overall? I'm going to go with yes.... He also changed my Adriamycin (the red devil)
I now will be getting an overall 10% reduction of Adriamycin and will only get half of that dose at a time. So, this past Tuesday, I recieved 45% of what I previously had received and will go again this coming Wednesday to get the remaining 45%. It went well this past Tuesday. I came home feeling like poo.... and have been tired, but overall not like I felt the last time. The true test will be Monday... That's when it all fell apart before. So, if Monday is good, I have high hopes. Especially as, again, I go this Wednesday for a dose, then I get a week off. The week after that is the wedding and I go for a dose that week. a little anxious, but I am trusting in God that it will be ok... I have also been fighting a cold/ allergies this week. The pollen count has been high and you actually see if on the cars and sometimes in the air. So, my head is stuffed and my chemo cough has changed from the dry bark that it was (as it is seriously caused by the chemo) to a nice congested cough thanks to all the drainage. I cough all night, all day... I'm taking over the counter meds. No fever. If it were worse, I would call the doc. But I do not think this is bacterial, so no need for antibiotics. I think it is allergies and possibly viral at the worst.
The other thing that has hit me this week has been people.... it has been an interesting journey with people. People are stunned to learn I have no hair (chemo does that and yes that is a wig). I had someone ask me why they removed my right breast if there was no cancer in it (well, we didn't know how much cancer was in the left breast until the first surgery, so why take a chance on the right breast). Yes, those are prosthetic breasts, I haven't had reconstructive surgery, can't have it yet and not sure if I want it. Then there are the people who check on me every week and have offered to go to chemo with me and have taken me to doctors appointments. Those people I could not do without. Then there are the people that I rarely hear from. That has been interesting too. Brad has had that experience as well. Again, it's been interesting.
The other piece is the guilt I feel. I feel horrible because I can't do anything at home. Well, very little anyway... I can do some, but I'm so tired and sometimes so weak, I just sit and watch tv, read or embroider. I feel guilty because 90% of the day, my children and my husband are asking what they can do for me. What can they help me with. I'm not used to that. I'm the care taker. It's hard to switch places. Then my income has dropped and is about to drop completely. That has made me feel absolutely horrible and guilty. We have a wedding in about 3 weeks, car payment, house payment, braces payment, home taxes due in July and other normal bills. I am not contributing to our finances. That makes me feel awful. Brad keeps saying to me, "Did you choose this?" No, no I didn't. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Thru it all, no matter what.... Jesus is King. He has everything in control. He knew this would happen and He knows what the outcome is going to be and He knows how we are going to get there. I have had the opportunity to spend time with my daughter before she gets married and moves out of our home. I have had the opportunity to spend time with my beautiful, rotten grandsons. I have seen more daytime TV than anyone ever should! I have seen beautiful days. I have also seen my family's faith increase and their love and support for me has been incredible. I cannot believe how much they love me. My husband has been so loving and supportive. A lot of men would leave or walk away. Women too... when faced with a serious illness of their loved one. He has been by my side every step of the way..... I wouldn't trade him for anything...
So.... as I wait to see what the next few days bring and what chemo does on Wednesday, I will just keep the faith.... even if it is as small as mustard seed on some days. Keep praying and keep looking up!
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