Alternate Time Line Part 1

    So, I have had a lot of time on my hands....  I keep thinking.... why did this happen? What caused this? What would my life be like if this HADN'T happened? So I keep thinking of the alternate timeline. What if I had a delorean that could take me back to BEFORE the diagnosis. Maybe I could see what caused this and stop it!  But there are some flaws to all of this. 1) I don't have a delorean or any other kind of time machine. 2) No one knows what caused this. 3) There is no why to be answered. It just is. So I must accept all this and move forward but what if...?

The time line of my life to this point has been.......  (please note as we move to March on this timeline, some dates may be off. Memory not the best today)

January 22, 2016 - appointment with my family doc. Discussed with her my increasing depression and that there are days I am disappointed I wake up. I'm not suicidal, but just tired... don't feel like fighting. My antidepressants are changed, a mammogram is scheduled. 

January 29, 2016 - lump found in left breast. Mammogram already scheduled. 

February 1, 2016 - Mammogram and ultrasound of breast 

February 3, 2016 - biopsy on lumps performed (as ultrasound found TWO)

February 8, 2016 - met with family physician, she told me I have breast cancer. My faithful husband was with me. We went home to tell our kids.  A few weeks ago, I didn't care if I woke up. Now, I'm in a fight for my life. I want to fight now. Wow. 

February 9, 2016 - told my boss and all my co-workers. 

February 10, 2016 - met with surgeon to discuss stage of cancer (IIA at that point) and options. tests ordered

February 15, 2016 - met with oncologist. Discussed options. more tests ordered

February 17, 2016 - marathon of tests - chest xray, ct of abdomen and pelvis, echo-cardiogram, bone scan. All come back fine, no sign of mets. 

February 25, 2016 - bone density test done. Within normal limits. 

February 26, 2016 - met with geneticist and genetics counselor. Discussed risks of this being genetic. Blood test drawn to see if I carry BRACA gene. 

March 9, 2016 - results are in from BRACA testing. I'm negative... I can move forward with surgery. Surgery scheduled for lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy. 

March 12 and 13, 2016 - We are in Washington DC for an audition for Rebekah, got to go to the National Zoo and meet up with a friend from forever who is in the US Navy and works for JAG. 

March 14, 2016 - surgery. Lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy. Initial reports is that nodes are negative. Home that same day 

March 23, 2016 - post op appt. My surgeon tells me we need to talk. Not good words... While initial reports were that the nodes were negative, they were wrong. There were four nodes tested, 3 were breast nodes, one was not. The breast nodes had cancer, the other did not. There was cancer in my lymph vessels and there were not two lumps, there were four in the section that she removed. So, I now MUST have a mastectomy and lymph node removal and the second breast is up to me. I say take it. I have now changed to stage IIB or stage IIIA. 

March 29, 2016 - surgery again. Double mastectomy and lymph node removal. I wake up in post op and tears flow down my face. I'm sad. I have no breasts. It hurts. It really hurts, emotionally. 

April 3, 2016 - I go to Wright State for a bridal shower for my daughter. I am embarrassed and humbled. I have no chest. I have three drains hanging from me. I don't feel like me. I'm tired and drained. Then, these beautiful young women that are my daughters friends, ask about me. Talk to me. Ask how I am. Get me things so that I don't have to get up. Humbling. 

April 5, 2016 - one drain removed. 

April 7, 2016 - two remaining drains removed. 

April 22, 2016 - my birthday. Never thought I would be thankful to have one. 

April 25, 2016 - see my surgeon. She wants me to stay off work for a couple weeks more, then only return half days for a month, then back to full time. 

May 3, 2016 - First chemo treatment. It went ok. The next few days are eh.... but just keep plugging on..... 

What WOULD have happened if I didn't have cancer...... 

January 22, 2016 - appointment with my family doc. Discuss my increasing depression. My meds are changed, mammogram is ordered. 

January 29, 2016 - Brad and I go to sleep, no lump anywhere... life is cool..... 

February 1, 2016 - mammogram completed. all is well. 

All of February 2016 - cold.... some sun.... valentines day... fun! joking around with co-workers. going to a concert for Rebekah at Wright State. 

March 2016 - Go to Washington DC, see the pandas and otters at the National Zoo. Brad gets to see gorillas. Rebekah goes to dance audition. We come home. Life is good! I got to see pandas and otters! Co-workers laugh because they didn't see me on the zoo cam sneaking into the panda enclosure. 

April 3, 2016 - I go to bridal shower for Rebekah at Wright State, but I go early. I help her best friend set everything up. Her future mother in law and I laugh and help out. It was so much fun! I enjoy being the mother of the bride and watching and helping, like I should. I'm not sitting in a chair and am not embarrassed by my figure (or lack there-of). 

April 22, 2016 - My birthday! I am feeling so much better since my change of meds! I have a great birthday with my family! We go out to eat... laugh, joke about things. Talk about how things are changing with the wedding coming... Also laugh because our weight loss contest ends Monday... probably not gonna win, but it was fun! 

May 5, 2016 - laugh with coworkers about Cinco de Mayo and what everyone's plans are. Go home, eat tacos with avocado... mmmmm joke with the family.... 

So, there you are.... what I WISH it was, but what it really is. More to come.... I feel like everyone tells me how brave I am. I'm not brave. I don't feel like the warrior they say I am... I'm just me. But, I'm doing what I have to do. I have a husband that I want to harrass for years to come. I have a son and two grandsons that I love and want to watch mature and grow. I have a daughter getting married, I want to see that. I want to see the grandchildren I have never met... There is so much.... but how do I describe any of it? I thought of a song from 1984 by Twila Paris... The Warrior is a Child.... "They don't know, that I go running home when I fall down. They don't know who picks me up when no one is around. I drop my sword and cry for just awhile... cause deep inside this armor, the warrior is child." 
  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkQhGSBXsHI