working again!

Well, it had to happen. I went back to work! I have not worked in a year! A YEAR! But, the time had come and God provided a job. 

I started work at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center, James Cancer Hospital. THE JAMES!!! God not only provided this job, but it is a job that is only 32 hours a week. For someone who wasn't sure if she could work full time or not, this is a blessing. But let me throw in that at Ohio State, this is considered FULL TIME even though I am working part time hours! What a blessing! I will be an outpatient case manager. I will be working with patients that have leukemia and lymphoma that come in to see their doctor or come in for chemotherapy. I will be helping with home health care referrals, medications, nursing home placements and hospice referrals as well as transportation and other needs that come up. 

I started this past Monday (March 20). Oh my gosh! You would never believe how hard it was to go back to work. I came home every day and either rested until 8 o'clock or went straight to bed. It was EXHAUSTING! Then there are my babies. I have been home for one year and spent time with my precious grandsons. They have missed me and I have missed them this week. We will adjust. However, this morning, they came and crawled in bed with their Oma. We watched Sponge Bob together before breakfast. 

My Grace (my 13 year old basset hound) has missed me too. She whines and cries every day when I come home like "Mom! Where have you been?" I would like to think our cat, Nymphadora, misses me, but she won't say. 

This week has been a challenge. I sit here at 7:45 at night and am ready for bed. I worry because Brad and I are greeters at church tomorrow, so we have to be there early. Will I make it? 

What you don't hear about and don't know about cancer is how hard it is to try to get your life back. It's hard as hell! I put on 20- 25 pounds in the last round of chemo. Mostly due to steroids. I'm struggling to get that weight off. My diabetes took a hit because of the chemo. I am now taking Tamoxifen, which is causing me to retain fluid, so now I'm on lasix. AAAHHHHH 
So, it's hard. It's so hard to try to live your life again. I was so sick for so long. And I'm not sure if I was sick from the cancer or from the chemo! But I felt awful for forever. So it weakened me dramatically. Trying to get back strength that was taken from you for almost a year is so hard! But it's coming back. It will keep coming because I'm not quitting. 

This blog entry is small... but from someone who is trying to get her strength back, it's HUGE! 

Love and Peace Always my friends <3

One year anniversary "you have cancer"

Today is the one year mark of hearing the words no one wants to hear "You have cancer." I remember it very well. Brad went with me to my family physicians office. She didn't play around (which I appreciate). She came in the room and said "We got your biopsy results back and I'm sorry, you have breast cancer." Brad and I just sort of took in what she had said. Before we left that day, she prayed with us after telling us that I had an appointment with a surgeon in 2 days. 

So, what followed was craziness! Multiple appointments, getting two new doctors, tests, tests and more tests. Finally getting a surgery date. Then having a SECOND surgery because the first surgery revealed more than we knew going in. Then of course the chemo. Oh the chemo. 

I will share a brief bit of what cancer has stolen from us in this past year. Then I will share what cancer (unintentionally) has GIVEN us. 

Cancer stole my figure. Brad always told me I had an hour glass figure and even when I was heavy, I was always proud of my breasts because, quite frankly, it took me long enough to get them! (Like age 16 1/2). I loved having a curvy figure! Cancer stole that. 

Cancer stole my self identity and self worth. I identified as a curvy woman. I have told Brad, I no longer have any girl parts! I've had a hysterectomy and now I have no boobs! Plus, I have always had a low self esteem and ALWAYS feel self conscious when I go out. I want to look good. Cancer caused me to feel embarrassed of my looks and more self conscious and more down and scared. Cancer stole that. 

Cancer stole my hair. I was bald as a cucumber all summer. I was embarrassed of my bald head. I was embarrassed when I had no eyelashes or eyebrows. I always loved my hair and enjoyed dying it bright colors like magenta, pink, purple or red with blonde highlights! I loved putting it in a ponytail or french braiding it. Cancer stole that. 

Cancer stole my waist. What? Yeah... Thanks to steroids, I gained the average 20 pounds during chemo. Women either drop weight (and usually too much!) or the gain. Of course, I would gain. My waist is not like it was! Cancer stole that. 

Cancer stole my income. I used all my sick pay and then was denied for long term disability. I have not worked since last March and not been paid since late June. My company was not able to hold my position, so I have no job to return to. Cancer stole that. 

Cancer stole possessions. There were possessions (mainly Brad's truck) that we lost because we had to survive. That hurt. I hated Brad selling his truck. Rebekah's car completely died. Not fair! Cancer stole that. 

But, guess what? Cancer was not in charge of this journey! GOD WAS! 

Cancer stole my figure.... Well, guess what? The first words my husband spoke to me the day that cancer took my figure were "Hello beautiful". The words my husband spoke when I could take the bandage/ wrapping off when I said "What do you think?" (he looked at my flat chest and said "I think you're beautiful". So, cancer you lost that one! You lost because the man I love didn't care! He thinks I'm still beautiful and tells me so and tells me I'm sexy and he loves me! God gave me a great man. 

Cancer stole my self worth and identity... I had my identity wrongly placed on my body. My self worth does not matter on my looks. My identity is being the daughter of the King of Kings! My self worth is that Jesus died for me! So, guess what cancer, you lost that one too! Jesus loves me no matter what I look like and as long as I realize that I am worth so much that someone DIED for me and He counts me among His people... I am worth so much more than flesh. I am a daughter of the King. 

Cancer stole me hair... My family told me multiple times that I have a cute little head. I came to a point that I felt comfortable being bald. I got to wear cute hats. I learned how to accent my eyes when I had no eyelashes and how to draw on eyebrows! I watched hair start to grow and am continuing to watch it come in! I finally have the curly curly hair I always wanted! Plus, my hair is grey and blonde! So, I finally can prove to everyone I am truly a natural blonde! So ha ha cancer, you lost that one too! 

Cancer stole my waist... Well, that's a work in progress! I'm eating healthier (thanks to cancer!) and working out again! It will take time, but I will get it back! Plus, I have found out I am so much more than flesh! So nana nana boo boo cancer! You lost again! 

Cancer stole my income... While I am still hunting for a the job that God wants me to have, it's ok. Know why? So many people have felt God tug on their hearts and they have given us financial gifts. God has provided for us in ways I never would have dreamed of! We have been able to survive on so much less! What cancer thought would do us in, absolutely has not! 

Cancer stole possessions... Brad sold his truck. Rebekah's car died. But God provided for us by getting us a Volkswagen Beetle and by us still having my brother's Chevy Blazer. We were able to use the money from Brad selling his truck to help us survive. God came thru in mighty ways! 

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good." Genesis 50:20. 

"Job stood up and tore his robe in grief. Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground to worship. He said, 'I came naked from my mother's womb, and I will be naked when I leave. The Lord gave me what I had and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord." Job 1:20 - 21

You never know how you will react when this happens. My family gathered around me and loved me thru it. My husband took his marriage vows seriously when he said he would take me in sickness and in health. He loved me thru it and quite frankly, they are STILL loving me thru it as I am not done fighting yet! 

One year ago today, I was told something life altering and devastating. However, one year ago today, God stood with me. God stood beside me all the way. God pushed me and pulled me and held me and loved me. 

Cancer loses. God wins. 

end of a season

Season's come and season's go. The Bible tells us that "to everything there is a season, a time and purpose..." Specifically, it says :
 "For everything there is a season,

a time for every activity under heaven.

2A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.

3A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

4A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

5A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

6A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

7A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

8A time to love and a time to hate.

A time for war and a time for peace."

 So, a time to search... Well, I'm searching. A time to to cry and a time to grieve. Sort of doing that too!  I'm in an odd place.... let me back up 

I was able to return to work in early December, however, I was only released to work part time. My company was unable to bring me back part time. Not only were they unable to bring me back part time, but they advised me that they were posting my position. So, I couldn't come back and they were going to look for someone to replace me. Ouch! That hurt. So... what now? 

Well, here's what now.... I officially resigned from my company. While there was the option to return to them, I am a Registered Nurse. There were only 2 RN positions in the company I worked for. One was my boss, the other was me. So, what position would I go back to? Accounting? So, after much prayer I resigned. I have my bachelor's degree now. I also know that God has plans for me. I don't know what they are, but I believe it is a plan that includes serving people more face to face. Not serving people over the phone or not doing nursing work. So, with God's leading, I followed through and stepped out on faith and resigned. Because seriously, I need to be a nurse. 

So, I'm looking for a job. I would prefer to do part time work. Why part time? Well, in the coming year and for a few years, I will be going to doctors appointments every 3 months or so, not to forget lab work! It would be easier to just work part time and then not have to explain why I need yet another morning off work,etc. I had one job interview for a full time position. I was not selected. That really hit me hard. I really thought it went well and apparently I was wrong. I have applied for other positions, but it is not proceeding very quickly. That is rough. 

So, throw in that I'm not working along with how things are at the end of treatment, I have not been a very happy girl. I've been sad and motivation is not coming easy! 

During chemo, I actually GAINED weight! Not everyone does, but a LOT of breast cancer patient's I have spoken to gained weight. My cancer was hormone induced. So, that does not help! I put on at least 20 pounds. I hear that I will lose it. I expected it to go starting a month or so after chemo. Nope, not the case. I have a friend that has had breast cancer three times. She told me the first time that she had cancer, she put on weight. She said it took her about a year to get rid of that weight! A year? Oh. My. Gosh. A YEAR? So, I'm calorie counting. Using the Lose It! App. Exercising more. I am going to the gym 2 times a week and walking every day. The weight loss is going to come! The weight will come off! Until then, it's hard. I'm down and what have I previously done when I'm down? Eat. But the unhealthy foods are gone from the house, so it's a bigger challenge to eat unhealthy now!  

Why am I down? Well, there are days that the reality of the last year hits me! I have fought and survived breast cancer! That is something! I lost my breasts. I lost my hair. My husband sold his truck. We suffered a lot of loss. I was able to be at my daughter's wedding, but when I look back at her wedding day, while it was perfect for her, I get sad. I didn't feel well and didn't get to participate like I wanted to. It was hard. My hair is growing back, but it is so short! I miss it. I wear prosthetic breasts, but I am still missing mine. 

Then, my job. I am not contributing to my family.  I understand that I need to be thankful that I am HERE with my family. However, I would like to be able to financially contribute to my family. I worked hard to get my bachelor's degree. I have worked to help support my family for 15 years. It has been a long time that we have had to worry about what bills can be paid each month. But we are back there again! Some bills have to miss out each month. But it's ok, God has been providing for us and I know He is going to continue to do so! 

I'm just a bit discouraged. I know that God has a plan. I just wish I knew what those plans were! King David went through this. He suffered discouragement and didn't know exactly what God's plans were for him. But, King David stuck it out and finally God's plans were revealed and King David was rewarded. So, I know that by sticking it out and waiting on God, I will be rewarded. It's just hard. 

Well, that's all I have for today. Just know that if you are discouraged and waiting on God, to hold on. God has a plan. I promise. He has one for me and He has one for you. It will be revealed and when it is, you will have such a great big smile! 

Love and Peace. 💜

Thankfulness

I had some hurtful things happen. Then I paused to remember what was taught in church this past week. When jealous/ mean people throw spears at you, like Saul did to David, do NOT throw spears back. David didn't. Just trust in the Lord. Have faith. So, instead of writing a blog or something about the hurt. I want to write about thankfulness. 

I am thankful to my friends. In the last year, I have had some friends show me true friendship. It has meant the world to me. Maybe we went to lunch. Maybe you took me to a doctor's appointment or to chemotherapy. Maybe you just stopped by. I had one dear friend take me to pick out a wig. I had one sweet friend go with me for my first post op after my double mastectomy. She saw my chest as it is now when I saw it for the first time. We saw my flatness together. She saw it before Brad did! Another dear one, started a go fund me account when money was no longer coming in for me. Friends provided us with direct financial gifts and gift cards and meals and treats! A sweet loving friend that would call or send little hedgehogs. Friends that provided books and other gifts. Another friend, Faryn Kelly came with my daughter and I to get fitted for my prosthetic breasts. I point Faryn out because she is 22. My daughter (age 22) and her friend came and watched me get fitted for fake boobs. This is not a laugh a minute joyful event for anyone, let alone young women who should not have to think about this stuff. But these young women supported me as I picked out boobs and bras! They were awesome! My dear friend Jennifer, came to the hospital to see me, came to the house and was my preceptor for my final class as I obtained my Bachelors of Nursing degree!!!! I had friends pray and pray and pray! 

I am thankful for my family. I had one family member, Barbara Duncan, my cousin and love. She drove 2 hours one way nearly every week in late August, September and October (and a couple times during the every 3 week treatment prior) to take me to chemotherapy. She would drive me to chemo and sit with me so that my husband didn't have to miss work. We would talk and laugh and discuss things that only good friends discuss! It was great! (if chemotherapy can be great!) I had family members give us financial gifts, gift cards and meals. I had family members pray and pray and pray. I had family members text and check in. My sister-in-law, Gena Schultz, checked on me at least once a week! I say at least because it was usually more. Gena lives in Indiana AND had to deal with a severely injured shoulder this summer and then preparing for the school year to start and moving from their home into an apartment while building a new house. Other family members checked in on Facebook and sent encouraging notes! I love my family! 

I am thankful for my church. When I first had my double mastectomy (2nd surgery) they supported me and provided meals for me and my family! They also organized a womens prayer circle to pray out breast cancer in our church since it seemed to pop up in epidemic proportions! Because of my church, I was able to connect with other breast cancer fighters!! That was a great blessing! It was wonderful to not have to fight alone! 

I am thankful for the Springfield Cancer Center. For many reasons... I am thankful for my doctor, Dr Filix. He was great and knowledgeable. All the caregivers there, medical assistants, nurses, receptionists... so caring and loving and helpful!! Then, there IS the breast cancer support group. I go there once a month. I am able to connect with other survivors and fighters! 

I am thankful for framily. What is framily? Friends that are family. Specifically, my daughter's new in-laws. I have other friends that are framily, but her in-laws are not just her family, but our family too. Their friendship and love and family has been more than I could write here. The friendship and family love extends from just Rebekah's mother, father and brother in-law. It includes her new grandparents, new Tios and Tias. The blending of her family and his family has been incredible and all that they have done is impossible to describe! 

I am so thankful for my children. They watched their mother go thru so much. No one should go thru what cancer patients have to. Even more, no family member should have to watch their loved one go thru it. My fight, although it was AWFUL and chemotherapy SUCKS was nothing compared to some. But my children loved me through it all and laughed when appropriate and cried with me too. They are good kids. Even my little grandsons (4 and 2) gave me love. Even when I wasn't lovable. 

I am INCREDIBLY thankful for my husband, Braden Espich. He is one of a kind. When I was sad, he held me. When I was in recovery from my double mastectomy, the first words out of his mouth were "Hi beautiful". I never felt less beautiful in my life. He loved me. When I was mean (and I was mean at times), he called me out on it. THAT is love. When you love someone so much that you call them out on being mean and tell them to stop! But even though he called me out, he loved me. He helped me with my chemotherapy. He held my hand when things hurt physically and emotionally. There are no words to tell all that he has done and continues to do. I am so thankful that in 1987, the Lord saw that we should be together. I thank the Lord for him every day. 

Most importantly, I am thankful for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Without Him, there is no way I could have made it through this last year. He stood by me. He held me. He pushed me and pulled me when I couldn't go on my own. He brought people into my life that I needed. He removed people I didn't need. He prompted people to provide us gifts. He prompted people to check on us and show love. God has been there with us through all of this. I cannot say enough. I can say that without the Lord, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be here physically and we would not have survived financially. I love Jesus and am so thankful that He loves me. I'm also thankful that people heard and felt his promptings and followed thru. :) 

Ok..... there is my current list of thankfulness. 

Thank YOU for reading this long blog! 

Love and Peace. 

2 months out :)

Well, Here I am... two months out from chemo. 
How am I doing? 

I am finally starting to feel like me again. It's been over a year since I actually felt like me. I realize this because facebook gives me memories to look at. One memory from a year ago was that my daughter told me I had lost the light in my eyes and that I had lost my crow (Peter Pan reference). I think I am FINALLY getting my light back and getting my crow back. I notice little things about myself, that have been gone for so long. I am trying to do more around the house. I am trying to do more than just exist! 

My hair... oh my... a month ago, I was getting my hair back on my head, but had NO eyebrows and NO eyelashes! My hair on my head is getting thick! Look at that thickness! And the start of eyebrows and the eyelashes! My hair is actually a hot 
mess, but it's growing!!!

 

I am feeling more energy, but still wear down really easy. REALLY easy! I'm trying to get my strength built back up. It's a slow slow process. Brad and I are trying to go to the gym at least once a week. The woman who ran half marathons is now not even on the treadmill. However, I do get on the recumbent bike and ride for maybe 10 minutes. I used to do the bike for half an hour and then do the treadmill! I have tried to lift some weights too to get strength back and regain the muscle I have lost. I am sad to say I can only do the 2-3 pound weights at this time. But, I'm trying and as Brad says, I'm not sitting on the couch! 

An example of my energy level: If we do anything that would be considered "normal", it takes me a day or two to recover. After graduation, I was wiped out for several days. Christmas really took it out of me.... but again, it will all come back! 

Work... well, I was released to return to work part time the first part of December. They were not able to allow that. They also apparently are in need of assistance and have posted my job. So, not sure that I will have the job to return to. But I do know that God will provide! He has provided so far, why would He stop now? 

School is done! Which is such an awesome thing! I still can't believe it! I actually graduated!!! Of course, it would be more real if my degree would get here! I'm anxiously awaiting that piece of paper! 

Things in my life are good. God is even better! There is so much I want to say, but at the moment, it's not the time. But when the time comes, I will share! 

I will try to post again soon... because posting is good therapy for me and even though my chemotherapy has ended, my breast cancer journey has not! I will be on this journey forever, because it has changed my life. 

Love and peace to all 

💜

The last day of 2016

Today is the last day of 2016. What a year! I wanted to share a few thoughts I have at the end of the year. In this last year, as you know, I have had a lot of opportunities to reflect.

Life is short. Very short. It goes by so quick. Make sure you do what is important and make sure you know who is important. 

Tell those you love that you love them. Make sure you do it! 

Keep up on annual tests that are needed... Prostate exams and the corresponding PSA test. Mammograms. Hemoglobin A1C. You feel like something is wrong, tell you doctor about it and don't stop until you are satisfied. I have a friend who is in her early 40's. Her husbandT was having some odd feelings and shortness of breath. They pushed and pushed for answers and such. Their doctor agreed with them, did a heart cath and this YOUNG MAN had to have stents placed in his heart! Listen to your body! I personally was trying to figure out what was wrong with me from last August and on. I didn't feel good. Couldn't pin point it. Exausted all the time. Finally, the answer came on February 8th. I had cancer. But I knew something was wrong. Listen to your body! 

Friends and family are valuable. When you go thru trials, you will find out who really loves you and who will be there for you. Whether they are with you physically or with you in spirit from a distance, you will know who is there. You also need to be there for THEM! Remember that when THEY go thru hard times, that you should be there for them. If you haven't been in the past, ask for forgiveness and move forward. Today is a new day. Tomorrow is too. 

Possessions are just material things that don't matter. You don't always get to keep them. Sometimes you just hold them for a little while, then release them. And that is ok. If you hold onto those things too long, they start to take control of you. Let them go. They don't matter. 


This last year, I learned that people can really be there when you need them. That I need to be there more for others  and that we are all connected. God connects us. We really are just 6 people away from knowing everyone in the world. People will give of themselves to you and if you reject their offerings, you may be robbing them of a blessing. Don't rob someone of a blessing. If someone wants to give to you, accept their gift as a blessing. Remember to give back. 

Love and Peace . 

blessings - Trust God

As I sit at home and get ready to go to Athens today, I thought I would reflect on some blessings that have occurred since I have had breast cancer, 

I worked up until I had my surgeries. That was a blessing. I was able to keep going and keep an income coming in. 

I had 12 weeks of sick time. Part of that sick time paid me 100% of my pay, part of it only 60%, but that was still income for the first 12 weeks I was off work! Then I had 2 weeks vacation time. I used that too, but again, I got paid for 14 weeks! That was a huge blessing! I have been off work 39 weeks. That's a long time.... of course, this has been a long journey! 

We were set back mentally and emotionally... I was denied for Long Term Disability. The company that handles that for my employer said in our policy it stated that my breast cancer was a pre-existing condition. This was because I was diagnosed within the 3 months prior to the date that they determined as my insurability date. I panicked. I prayed. Brad told me to trust God. So I did. 

After I no longer had an income... we were panicked. What would we do? How would we survive? We weren't sure. However, Brad told me repeatedly to trust God. I said I do, but... There was to be no buts! We were to trust God. and God showed us. 

Since I have been off, we have had friends and acquaintances bring us meals. We have had friends and family give us gift cards to Kroger, Wal Mart and restaurants! We have had friends and family donate to us financially, either through the go fund me account or directly to us! God has truly provided. 

I am reminded that I have a home to come home to with an affordable house payment. My car was paid off in August. What a huge blessing that was. 

Brad, had the foresight and the selflessness to sell his truck. He got such a great deal on his truck last year, purchased it from work for much less than it was worth. Well, in turn, he recognized that I was not going to be able to return to work. He sold his truck. We were down one vehicle. But, God, being God, knew this would happen. Nothing is a surprise to Him. Because Brad works in the wholesale tire business, there was a repair shop they had sold tires to that had a vehicle. A VW Beetle! (I love Volkswagen's. I really do! and a beetle? AAAHHHH). The person that owned the Beetle, had brought it in for repairs, the man hit a lot of financial turmoil and could not pay for the repairs. The shop got the title off of him and just wanted paid for the repairs. So, we took some of the money he sold his truck for and bought the beetle! Rebekah's car broke down and the cost to repair it was too much. We gave her my car and I was going to drive the Beetle. Brad would drive my brother's old car. When my brother died, we took his Chevy Blazer. Fixed it and have had it since. That car has helped out Cody and now is helping us out! So... in all the vehicle issues... God had a plan. 

The remaining money from the sale of Brad's truck has helped us survive. That is almost gone now. But that's ok. Friends have still helped out. 

It's Christmas time. I was upset because I wasn't going to be able to get my grandson's Christmas presents. A friend came thru and gave us a financial gift. Another friend provided us with meals this past week! Another money saver! Then, my daughter took me shopping at Kohl's... She works there. It was friends and family week... So, I only purchased items that were on sale. Then, she had 2 separate friends and family discounts I could use. Then we were able to use her employee discount. On top of that, she gave me the Kohl's cash that she and her husband had! My total came to $31. Then... my daughter paid the $31!!! That was AWESOME! 

We are tight for money now.... More tight that we have been all along this journey. My employer is no longer holding my position for me. I was released to return to work part time, but they were unable to bring me back part time. They need someone to work full time and they need someone now. They need help. So, I was not able to return to work as we thought I would be able to. But, you know what? It's ok. It's gonna be ok. I don't know how. But it will. 

We have presented God with our tithes the entire time I have been off work. We tithe when we go to church on Sundays. God's word has told us "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it" Malachi 3:10

We have seen this blessing for 9 months now. Cancer has not stopped us from praising God. Cancer has not stopped us from surviving financially. Cancer has not won. Satan has not won. God has blessed us. Far more than we deserve. God has blessed us. 

Please know He can bless you too. In this season of giving, He wants to give to you also. 

As I head to Athens today to prepare to graduate with honors, I am blessed. God has a plan for me and for my life. He has one for you too. Accept it. Accept His Son. You will be blessed! 

Love and Peace.....