So... I went back on Arimidex... I was on it for a few months and then BOOM! I put on 12 pounds. Then a week or two later I started holding a lot of water in my ankles and legs. Well, crap. So, I called my oncologists office. After a lot of nonsense I went in to see her. We talked about it and talked about it. What was going on? Well...
I had been having so much joint pain that it was difficult to get to a standing position from sitting. Especially at home where my furniture is lower to the ground. Brad had to help me up a LOT! Walking was difficult. It hurt every day to walk.
I felt lousy. Every day. I had not felt good since I started chemotherapy and bluntly I was tired of it.
I was fatigued. Beyond fatigued. It was all I could do to go to work. I would go to work and then come home and I was done. I had to push myself to do anything else.
I started noticing my mood slipping. It was starting to go downhill again. I do NOT want to go back to where I was last fall.
Then the weight gain and edema.
But maybe my diet was not right and that's why the weight gain and possibly the edema. Well... during the time I was taking this medication, I first went on a 1500 cal/ day diet. Plus I increased my time in the gym. yet I gained weight. Not muscle. Fat. I know my body and know the difference. So, as I gained weight, I changed my diet to low carb. Still the weight gain. When the edema started, that was the last straw.
So, I met with my doctor. We talked about all my options, but prior to meeting with her, Brad and I talked about it. What was the right answer. We decided no more medication. It was too much. I even said I would go thru chemo again instead of doing this. It was too much. And if I thought about taking that pill anymore, my mind couldn't handle it. I would cry.
It felt like the right decision. I knew that if I stopped it would increase my risk of recurrence. But I didn't care.
Well, when we got to the doctor, it wasn't as easy as I had in my head it was going to be. She was very nice about everything. She did, however, explain to me very clearly that if I chose to stop the medicine, not only does my risk of recurrence increase, but if the cancer DOES return, chances of them being able to cure it is very slim. Her words were "we probably won't be able to cure it next time". I admit. I balked a little. Its really hard to hear those words. To hear that if you make the choice that you feel is best for you overall, you may die. But... I'm ready to die. Not that I'm trying to, but I know where I'm going and I'm comfortable with that. However, the human selfish part of me doesn't want to. I want to stay here and harass my husband. I want to see my daughter become a mother. I want to watch my two grandsons grow up. So, selfishly, I'm not ready because I have things I want to do. Spirituall, I AM ready.
In the end... I stopped the medication.
That was about a month and half ago. How am I now? Well... I do not have NEARLY the pain I had. I feel better and much less pain. I'm still tired, but not nearly as fatigued as I was before. I come home from work and some days I take a nap. Some days I work outside or around the house. I've lost almost 10 pounds. Its been a slow gradual loss. I don't have the edema I had. (that went away almost immediately!) My mood is coming back. It's slow, but it's returning.
I am glad I stopped the medication. Life is meant to be lived. It's not meant to just exist in. I feel as though I have a long way to go still. But I also feel I am going to get there. A couple months ago I'm not sure I could have said that. I am still having days where I wonder. There are still a lot of days that I wonder what my new normal is going to be. But I've wondered that for a couple years now. I still am not sure I will ever run again. But I feel as though I may be able to try now.
This is all for right now. I will write more later.
Love, peace and blessings to you.
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